Guess What?!

I have a girlfriend!!! I've waited so long for this moment!!

I feel... So relieved, and happy, and... I can't wait to see her! Her parents aren't horribly happy, but they're okay with it and they accept it. Mostly.

She just... Makes me happy. So very happy. And I love her so very much. You all know who she is... :) And I cannot believe it, but she is finally mine, and I am hers... And to me... I am content. :)

English Papers

I have to say this. I am not too bad at English. I was a really good editor for my school newspaper, and the lowest grade I ever received in my AP High School English class on any paper, was a 90. My papers were rather good, and I often even edited the other people's papers in my classes. I am a more than competent person when it comes to writing and editing papers, and what I do is generally actually fairly good.

So, what to my wandering eyes should appear but the love of my life, telling me that she didn't do so well on her paper for class. She told me why, and I figured that while she could fix that on her own, in the future, I could give her assistance so she wouldn't ever have this happen again. I told her that I would ask her a favor, and I told her that if she would like, I could help her.

And, what does she do...? She tells me that she doesn't want me to look at her paper. She says it's awful, and that she doesn't want me to look at it so that I don't laugh at it. At her.

Now, this is a normal reaction from every human being. Nobody, after getting a bad grade on their paper, ever wants to have someone else look at it and be even more humiliated. But... I always thought.. That because of what we have, that maybe she would think at least a little better of me.. That I wouldn't ever laugh at her paper. At her. If she needed me, I would help, and there would be no laughing... No derision. Just me, helping the person that I cherish more than anything on the face of the earth. I felt like... Like she didn't trust me. As if I would hurt her feelings, when she is already feeling down. I don't kick people while they are down, and I definitely don't ever want to hurt her by deriding her paper. It kinda hurt to see that... Even though the two of us are so close, that... she still doesn't seem to completely trust me. And can't recognize that all I could ever do to convince her of how I feel doesn't seem to be enough...

I love her. So very much. She is the world to me. And I don't just want to help her. I don't just want her trust. I want her to understand that I love and appreciate her, and will continually help as much as I can, so that she can be happy. Because that's all I want. Is for her to be happy, and not have any reason to be unhappy.

Homecoming!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing! :)

So. Prepare for a long post, 'cause I have a lot to say... Cause I spent 12 HOURS with her...

So, yesterday, I went to Homecoming with the girl I love. And it made me SO very happy. I got to her house, and I did what I usually do when I don't have anything else to do: Clean.  I did dishes and such and got to spend some time with her before people started to arrive.

After everyone got there, we went to a place in Rigby that we could enjoy ourselves at, and we played some pool. It was boys versus girls, and despite her assurance she could win, we ended up taking them down handily. And then, we went back to her house to get ready. She took her time, but she had to get her hair done, and that took longer than even she expected. But she got back... And I thought I was going to pass out. She looked... Absolutely gorgeous. Totally and completely stunning. I don't mean to brag... But I had the most beautiful girl in the entire world as my date last night. (Oh, who am I kidding...? I will totally brag. All the time. It's my pleasure. Cause she truly was positively amazing looking. And whenever I stood next to her, it took all I had not to kiss her and about pass out.)

And then the real night began. So, we went to get pictures done, but we were much later than we had previously intended. And pictures were.. interesting. I don't think I've ever been quite like that before. I spent all my time right next to her. And my hand was always in the small of her back, constantly providing some comfort for her if possible. And if I wasn't doing that, then we were sitting together, holding hands, fingers intertwined. It was nice to do that relaxing thing.

After pictures, we went to dinner at Applebee's. Which, was good. We both share similar tastes in food, and both of us like mozzarella sticks. But, while we were waiting before and after eating, we were holding hands, and stroking the other's hand. And we would just look at each other, and say nothing, and just... smile. Lots of smiling. (Oh, and she likes to play footsie. Which I also kinda like. Another thing to add to the list of things I love.) I think it was pretty obvious to everyone that we were totally into each other. (They just didn't know HOW into each other we were.) 

Then we went to the dance. Which was both good and bad. I'll go with the bad part first. So... our friend who shall remain unnamed, he did the extreme disservice of asking me if he could dance with my date. I wasn't able to quite understand what he said, and misunderstood his question... And accidently gave him permission. (I of course, in my right mind, would never do that. I didn't want to share.) But he went and asked. And she said yes, because that's what she does. Totally innocent, totally normal. But. That was not my idea. I didn't like that. And I asked her why she agreed. So... She got mad at me. And I wasn't all that happy. Because it hurt. And she walked away... three times. The first time, it was like she'd slapped me in the face. And the two other times, especially the last one where she walked all the way to the bathroom... And told me to stop following her... It was like some one had reached into my chest and was pulling my heart right out. It ached so much... because I knew I'd hurt her really badly. But I had no idea why... Cause I hurt too. But I hurt more for the fact that I'd hurt her. I know that... Some things you do, they leave an impression upon people. And they will never ever look at you the same way. And... I couldn't have that. It hurt far too much. She later came back in, and she looked at me... And her eyes were all teary, and she apologized, and I apologized too, and we danced real close, as I whispered in her ear... Told her how sorry I was. And how much I loved her. We got out to the car, and she was still miffed at me, because I got mad at her. It was all a misunderstanding, of course, and I wasn't mad at her after she walked away. After she walked away... I just nearly died. I spent the car ride to our next destination, just holding her and making sure she knew... all that I had to say.

Now for the good part. Dancing. I love dancing with her... She has a very attractive dancing style. And we danced in a more relaxed position than I am used to. Her arms around the back of my neck... My hands on her waist, barely a foot between us. And all we did was look into each others eyes. Though, I couldn't help but sing to her... And tell her all about how much I love her. And when we weren't slow dancing, we were swing dancing, or doing something so totally different. Not like any other dancing I had ever done before. But... I liked it. Because it was with her. We had our fingers intertwined, and all the while I just looked at her. And I smiled. All the time... Sometimes, she would grab my hand and pull me across the dance floor. And then she'd stop, and turn around... and she'd look at me with this radiant look on her face, as if she knew... That she was amazing. (And she better. Because she is.)

For the last part of our evening, we went and we had some waffles with strawberries and ice cream at a friend's house. And we shared a waffle. Then she took me home.

I can't tell you how many times we held hands yesterday. Far too many to count. And sometimes... She would take my arm, put it around her waist, and have it touch her leg. Or, close to the end, she leaned right up against me, and she put both my hands on her stomach, and just leaned against me. Like that's all she ever wanted. (She said it was because she was cold. But I have a feeling that is the ulterior motive.) I happened to like that the most. Just the car rides... Where it was me and her, and she grabbed my hand, and wound it in hers, and/or put it around her. And leaned against me... I felt truly content. I would whisper to her, or kiss her hair and her cheek. I truly had a good time... And I wish that I could have some more time with her... Really soon. Cause... No matter what happens... I love her. With all of my heart. Everything I am.

Time

Is conspiring against me.

I have a little less than 36 hours until I get to see you again... And they are the most torturous hours so far of my life. Nothing works to occupy me. Not the TV. Not school. Not my novels. Not my roommates. Not my video game. Nothing. It's absolutely ridiculous. These thirty-six hours cannot pass quickly enough. I'm pretty much giddy, and suffering from a lot of anticipation. I feel like I could explode. Tomorrow will be really hard. And Saturday before I see you... I desperately want to be with you. Right now. And it's driving me crazy. A good crazy. But still.

I'll be getting things ready. Making sure I have all my effects. I'll put them together Saturday though. But I have a corsage to get, (which may not be the right color. I may have to get a hot pink rose one instead of a red rose one, and I hope this is acceptable.) I also have to put a water bottle in the fridge in advance for Saturday. And then, I shall gather the food, the clothes, and the other necessities Saturday morning. That way all is prepared, neatly.

And all the while I will be nearly dying from anticipation. Saturday will be wonderful, so long as everything goes well. I just hope you feel the same way too.

Desire...

I want to see you. Don't want to wait. Don't want to play games. Just want to see you. Hold you. Hug you. Tell you I love you over and over. And never let you forget it. I want to give you my full attention. Hang on your every word, and relish the chance to be in your presence. To laugh with you, and make you laugh, and see that beautiful smile. Look into those ridiculously beautiful blue eyes... And nearly drown in the emotion I see in them. I want to use all of my senses and take in the stunning woman that you are. Everything about you. I wish I could tell you about how you occupy all of my thoughts... And my dreams.

I want to hear you tell me you love me. Over and over and over. And that you never want to let me go... I want you to tell me that you miss me as much as I do you. I want to know if you dream about me.. Or think about me all the time, like I do you. I want you to convince me... That my feelings aren't so one sided in their intensity. I want you to look into my green eyes, and be able to see all the love I have for you. I want you to hold me and never let me go. Look at the never ending smile I have on my face, and know that you're the reason I have it.

 I want so much just to have you here. Right now...

Special...

My dearest friend and I had a conversation last night. It was late, and she was really tired... But I was feeling pretty down in the dumps, because of a few things. And she was up, telling me all about how much she loved me.

She said a lot of things. Things that made me feel special... And loved, and wanted, and needed. She told me so many things... I was overcome with happiness. I felt like I belonged to her, and she to me, and nothing could keep us apart. She told me all sorts of things about what she wanted to do with me, how she wanted me in her life, and many times she told me she loved me. More than any other person on the earth.

This morning though... She messaged me and told me that she had no memory of what she said last night. This, of course, came as a shock to me. Because many of the things she said... Not only did they sound like she meant them, but they were things I had been waiting to hear... Things I'd wanted to hear her say and witness as being entirely truthful and meaning every word.

Now... I have doubt. She doesn't remember anything she said. And the only thing that she can vouch for herself saying that is true, is that she loves me. I'm kinda sad... Because I wanted so badly for that all to be true, and heartfelt, and honest. But, instead, I'm left with this one big truth, and slightly less large group of things that... I don't know if she really meant. I want to say yes. That she did mean it. That she meant all of it, and that I truly was the one person for her, and all the many other things she said. But, I can no more hold her to it than I can call her by a different name and hope she answers.

So I'll have to be content with just the fact that she loves me. So very much. Just like I love her. Immensely. And very nearly, without end.

Cold...

My third day since my surgery. They said it would be the worst day. I'm attempting to eat more solid food... And eating things other than pudding. But my mouth really hurts. And my ear. And I have a splitting headache.

And, to top it all off... I'm cold. Which is indicative of two things. One of which is bad. The other is not.

I want to go visit someone tomorrow too... Preferably, in the morning area. That may help too... Just need some company, you know? Just for a little bit. I saw a friend of mine today while I was out with my parents... And that really made me want to hang out with someone...

Surgery...

So... I had to have Oral Surgery done recently. It's ruined my life presently. I can't eat any meat, and I'm confined to potatoes, pudding, and Jello. And pills for antibiotics and pain. Lots of pain. I spent all of Friday in a half awake state, because I had what may have been just a bit too much pain medicine for me...

The girl in my life... She said she would come and take care of me. Babysit me, and make sure everything was okay. Now, I know she's busy. So I knew it wasn't going to happen. But I did find her offer to be extremely appreciated. And ridiculously cute. I loved it. I was glad she would volunteer to do that for me... Even though she didn't need to.

It didn't happen, though. No one came to visit me. I felt kind of lonely that day... Which I suppose is okay. I was pretty much drugged up enough that I wouldn't have been much fun, anyway. I would have probably fallen asleep on whomever it was that was unfortunate enough to come and deal with me. Which would have been embarrassing... So, part of me is glad. But the bigger part of me wished I didn't have to feel so alone. (Not that much can be done... It's kind of a personal thing anyway, you know?)

In other news, my time at my house is quite short. I have a little less than two weeks before I have to move out and up on campus. My parents have already made me pack everything up and away. So, my bedroom is ridiculously bare, now. Everything besides my clothes has been packed into tubs, and have been put in my corner. If a man is measured by his belongings... Then I am not much of a man, it seems. I don't have much to my name...

I'm sad... Because it feels like they don't really want me to be here. They seem eager to kick me out, and all I ever hear about is, "When you're gone..." Or "When Darik is gone..." Like they're all waiting for the day when I just leave and they don't have to deal with me anymore.

I guess... That the feeling of the time is lonely. I just feel lonely. My friends are few. Most of the people I love are planning, albeit not unforeseenly, my absence. Some of the people who I call my friends are attempting to boycott me, and not have anything to do with me. I just... I wish I had someone who I could just spend time with. Without people to interfere, or to tell me that I have something to do, or that I've got to do this so that I can be ready. I just kinda feel like everyone is waiting for me to move out, and that I feel alone and have no one telling me they really want me around...

It's why I always want out of the house. To spend some time, one on one, with someone who actually understands. Doesn't ask anything from me other than just to talk with me. And I realize that's a lot to ask. So I don't. It's simple. But complicated at the same time.

Postcard From Paris...

Ho there, Whiteout Fans.

I have just returned from a trip to Oregon for a week to see my family. (Quite possibly for the last time for a while.)

And a great many things have happened. I got a few things that belonged to my grandfather, such as a ring and a watch; I found the heaven of all taffy shops! (170 flavors. I probably tried half of them, and put half of those in my bag. A pound and a half of all sorts of taffy. It was great. :) ) I got some stuff, visited people and places, was lectured by my grandmother. I even watched my parents reception video. (Which brought up a great many feelings and thoughts in my mind.) I played my video game and saw my favorite scene twice, which was awesome. :) (I even have a video of it. And it brought more feelings.) And I brought back some more novels. :) Suffice it to say that the trip was well worth it.

But... It brought up a lot of feelings... I walked around the place I was born, and I drove, and I saw people. Couples holding hands. I watched movies, with the same thing. I saw kissing, and the love that they share. And all I could think of was... Her. (No matter how right or wrong that is.) It drives me up the wall, how much I think about her. I watched my parents video, and all I could think of... Was a fantasy of what would happen, in my mind, if we got married... And all the things attached to it. I constantly imagined that period of time. And all sorts of things. I saw what I saw during my time there, and... Oh, I wished she was there. So I could do all the things I wanted to. I wished she was there so we could talk and be together. I wanted her there so badly. Have her meet my family. Let her know about everything... I wanted her to be there so very badly. And no matter what I could do, I didn't ever have any rest from thoughts of her. And I don't really find something wrong with that. Even if it's complicated. Even if other people don't think that it's correct. Or that it will work out. I know... That this feeling is unlike anything I could ever have imagined. I wanted to know what it felt like to have someone love me this much like I love her... And it's... Simply amazing.

Question On Myself...

I find myself wondering sometimes...

Am I a good man?

Is it wrong of me to do some of the things I do, say what I say, feel what I feel? Is it wrong that I do so many things but feel like the end justifies the means? Does getting to spend time with the person I love mean that I can be clandestine about things?

Am I a good man...?

Am I okay to give my love and appreciation and all of me to someone else, knowing full well that what happens may not be what I want? To the exclusion of many of my other wants and needs? Am I wrong to put feeling before other things?

I've done a lot... Doubted much. Loved much. Have felt much. Sorrow. Joy. Anxiety. Spent my time and talents in areas where other people thought I was wasting my time. And when I think on all of it... I wonder to myself...

Am I a good man? And why or why not?

Nobody Said...

It would be easy.

So what? So we made some choices they didn't like? So they took it out on me, made it impossible to see you, sometimes even to talk with you. What does it matter?! That doesn't mean they hate you. They don't like what we've done, and what decisions I've made, but it doesn't mean they hate you. Or that they think you're a slut. They believe that you shouldn't have spent time with guys alone when you have a boyfriend. Or that I shouldn't spend so much time with you alone because I'm an adult and you're a minor. Don't ask me why. I don't know. It's not clicking with them, because it's not logical. It doesn't make sense. And I curse logic, because this is what happens.

But you have to understand... You have to. Because if you don't, you will forever feel bad. And I will too. They do these things to protect me, and you to an extent. That doesn't mean they hate you! If there's one thing I wish I could get across to you, it's that they don't hate you!! They like you as a person. My mother really likes you. My family does. They want me to get married to you. They think it would actually be a good idea. You realize that this is a large indicator of the fact that they truly do like you, right? They've been pushing for it, and waiting for it, and wanting it. They know that for whatever reason, you and I are meant to be together. And they WANT it!

I don't know what will convince you. I wish you could spend time with my family. Let me show you. So that you no longer have to feel that way. I love you.... So much. I don't like to argue with you over this. I know what you're feeling. What you're thinking. But you don't know what goes on. You can only think... And feel, but you only have half the message. You don't know what I know. And I have run out of ways to convince you... And it hurts that you hurt so. I can't stop... I want you to not feel bad... Not feel like you're hated. Or disliked. I want to make it all go away, so that you can truly understand. And I'm sorry that I lack the means to do so. Because you mean so much... I love you so much, you cannot imagine... And I'm sorry... :'(

Family...

So... The girl I always talk about... Has invited me to go to church at her ward on Sunday. This in and of itself isn't much of a problem. But... Her family is going to be there too. And not her nuclear family. I know them very well. :) But her more extended family. And, her family is quite... Unique. Mine is crazy. No doubt about it. But... Hers... Is unlike anything I've ever heard or known about.

And I don't have any reason, want, or permission to tell any of the stories I've heard. But they are quite... Unorthodox. I had one of her uncles very seriously interrogate me over her phone, which, when he found out she was talking with me, he immediately appropriated as his own, this beginning my thorough investigation. His wife, found out that I write on this blog, and actually read it aloud to any family members within earshot. So... They have a bit of an advantage. I have no idea if she's kept up with my blog, but what they read was bad enough... It was quite impressive. And I was rather embarrassed. They know much about me... But I know very little about them, besides the fact that thu are totally crazy, and may run me down for my interest in her.

I'm... Not sure how to deal with this idea. I asked her if she thought her family would like me, but she didn't give me any... Solid answers. Only what they might do to me.( I really need to find some protective gear to wear. Maybe some sort of force field generator....) But, they seem like nice people. If a bit crazy. ;) And I will give them all of the attention and good manners I have. Family is important.

Course, it's not the same on my side. She is absolutely afraid of my family. For whatever reason, I'm the only one who she feels comfortable around. To be fair, all of my family members are crazy. Dad is intense one second, and then totally chill at next moment. Mom is... Mom. She's fairly normal. Good natured. My older sister is plain crazy, in a totally good way. My younger brother is filterless, and his humor has no bounds. My younger sister talks nonstop and also has just a few filters, but not many. And Brisco is actually a six year old troll and generator of immense energy that never seems to run out. He's so strange and he has no bounds in any way shape or form. I'm... The odd duck. Fairly normal. But I am odd because of that. I'm quiet. And look completely different.

And even though she's good with me, it doesn't transfer over to the rest of my family. She feels like they scare her. Like they don't like her. Which isn't true. Because my family is actually very happy with her. (Besides a few bumps in the road that aren't her fault.) They honestly like her. I don't blame them. There's not much not to like. She's pretty awesome. I have no problem saying that. And many other things. :)

So there you go. Thought for the day.
ZW

Mission

So...

I have found that in order to have what I want most in life... The one person, I should clarify, that I could ever want in life. And the one person in this life who wants me back. And loves me immensely... I have to go and serve a mission.

I am a bit disgruntled at the fact. I don't want any accolades. No recognition. I don't want people to say "I told you so." Or pretty much anything that signifies I'm going because I have no choice. I don't really follow other people. I don't do things because I want people to notice. Or anything like that. I'm going so that the people who need me, can have me. For God. And, I think, second to most important, for her. I really was hoping to avoid it. But, I'm not able to, because if I am to get what I love, for eternity no less, I have to go. So it's kind of like blackmail, but not. It's really not, but more of an ultimatum. Either I leave for two years, and when I come back, I get married to the love of my life... Or I don't, and I lose her forever. It's not looking like I'm gonna have to make much of a choice here... Pretty straight forward.

She said she'd wait for me. (Even said that when I got back, she'd be waiting in a white dress nonetheless.) And, that took a lot of worry off my shoulders. I wanted some sort of security... To know that when I came back, that she'd be there. It'll be hard to leave anyways, because I just want to stay... With the people who love me. But I have to go, and in return I can have someone who wants me too.

She wants a life with me. Broken, quirky, lazy, weird, and strange as I am. She wants a life with me. Desperately. And I want a life with her, just as much. It would make me truly happy. I wish I knew how much she really wanted to spend eternity with me. And why...  And, How she'll be when I'm gone. I don't really worry if she's going to stay true. Because I hope she does. But that doesn't mean much so early before it has to be tested. I have only very few doubts. Lots of questions, but few doubts. And not because of her. But, I mean... What if some other guy decides he wants her to be his, while I'm away? And he woos her in my place? What do I do? How do I know? What if she goes on her mission while I'm away...? And isn't waiting at the airport for me, but I'm left waiting instead..? What happens if, after a while, she finds that she doesn't love me anymore...?

Now. I know that many of those are trivial, and when she finds out, she's gonna lecture me, or feel like I doubt her. I don't want that. I truly feel like she'll be able to avoid all those things. But... I still feel like I just... Need some solidity. Assurance. That, even though I'm gone.. She'll be there when I get back. Waiting for me to give her a huge hug, and the biggest, warmest, longest kiss and embrace of her entire life. And I'll be waiting for two years just to give those to her.

I love her... So much. If it means that we get what we want, I will go. Despite my doubts, and my thoughts, and my intense wants and needs... I'll do it. Maybe even happily.

Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night.... Though, you'd have strange dreams too, if yours were as vivid as mine can be.

I was at my best friend's house. And... We were just... There.We switched off cleaning the house and teasing each other. She kept telling me she could squish me. And refusing to move so I could sit next to her. I helped her do the dishes, and helped her mop the floor. Even got a few cuts somewhere along the way. She's so stubborn. She was sick to her stomach, and still made lunch and cleaned up after it. And, when I got cut... She bandaged me up.

After the house was all cleaned up, we sat down on her couch. And we started to talk. She and I made a little bet, and she even challenged me... Told me I wouldn't kiss her. (Told you I had strange dreams.) And we got real close... And then... I leaned in. She leaned in. And then... I kissed her.

I don't know. But it felt nice. Like I belonged there. We just sat there, reveling in the other person. And then someone knocked at the door. And we broke it up really quickly to answer the door. After that, we made some jello. And just... Stood there with each other. I don't know what happened. Things changed. She was a little flighty. And she sounded pretty shook up. She stuttered a bit. And acted really giddy. I did too.

I'll tell you this. I had no idea... That it would feel like that. I woke up and felt a sense of... Longing. And contentment. I felt like I didn't know if it was real or not, cause it was so surreal. It made me happy. I can remember how it felt. I wish it could happen again. And it occupies my mind, even now. I was shaking so badly... I could barely stand. I'm here, wishing it could happen...

I'm floored. Truly. Starstruck.

Poem?

Father, Help Her

Father, help her.

She needs you, and though
I would stand ready
I cannot do it
For my power alone is-
Not enough.

Insufficient is my ability
Unable am I to
Give her comfort like...
You are capable of.
She hurts.

And though I do try
With words, wishes, gestures
My efforts are feeble
And utterly, completely genuine
They pale.

Father help her.
Your strength, your efforts-
More successful than mine
Are the only things that-
Can heal.

Her wanting heart, mind, soul.
Bring her heart happiness
Give mind and soul peace.
Give answer to her prayers.
Give healing.

Father... Help her.

Sadness...

Story time, my readers.

So, my best friend had to bury her dog yesterday. Her own best friend. Her little puppy who was not puppy aged, sadly. He was a well lived and well loved dog. And she called me yesterday, crying. Three whole times. And each time I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest because of the compassion. And I felt like my heart was going to break from the sadness I felt for her. I just sat in my car and I listened to my sad music, and wished that I could have been there for her. Instead I just drove. Did my stuff and drove. And thought.

I wish I could have held her. Made her feel loved. And that she had someone in her corner. So that she could have someone to cry on. To comfort her. And that is a wish I have every time something happens that makes her feel so... Downright sad...

Today, she watched Frankenweenie to commemorate the occasion. And I attended. But... I did so clandestine. And without permission, breaking my rule my parents gave me. She didn't know, of course. And I attended cause I knew how much importance it held to her. I got there partway through the movie. And she was sitting with the other guy. (Which, has it's own small importance. But is mostly just a detail.) And we watched the movie. And then messed around until I had to go. Then, her boyfriend came over. Which I have a feeling she enjoyed most thoroughly as is her right and privilege. Then I saw something I didn't need to see, and I asked her to change something so that I didn't have to flirt with trouble. But... I knew very well... The consequences of this if and when she found out why.

I'm pretty sure she can't trust me anymore. I've made her doubt me. I spent so long... And now, because I wanted to follow my heart and be there for her, things... Special things.. Have been put into shadow and debate and... Well. Other such things. She'll not see me in the same light anymore. She's got her boyfriend. And the other guy left but came back with cake. And what did I do? Something tantamount to a lie. I wish that it didn't have to be this way. That I didn't have to move around my rules to do what I feel is correct. I feel... Like I've done something stupid. So irrevocably dumb... And that, even if she didn't say it aloud, I know it hurt her. Because she cares about me.

I don't know why. I guess my mother was right.... I am... Well, I won't dwell on that. It does not do to dwell on such a thing, true or not.  Suffice it to say that... The end justified the means in my book. But those means were not perfect. I do not regret what I did... Only that I hurt her when my intention was the opposite.

I'm sorry. I hope you know that...

Gratitude

I have reason to be grateful today. I have been given a large and undeniable reason to be grateful. One I cannot refute nor trivialize.

And that is my best friend and her family. I've already expounded to you my thoughts and feelings about my best friend. And the myriad many good and amazing things she is. But, she and her family have surprised me once more.

Due to an event that recently occurred, my parents have told me I needed to move out. Nicely, for the most part. When I leave, I will hold no ill will against them. But it seems like everything I do sets them off. My Mom told me I was awful with my responsibilities. And pretty much everything else. Which... Well, it hurt. And I felt like I was worthless. But, my best friend, bless her soul, was there to tell me.... Well, all the good things about me. And, even though I don't completely agree with her, I think that she's right. So, that's the first thing I have gratitude for. I have an immense amount of gratitude for her. I'm happy and grateful for her presence in my life, and I am privileged to have someone so wonderful so close to me. :)

But it didn't stop there. Out of what seems to be her feelings for me and my closeness to her and her family... They even went so far as to invite me to live with them. This, of course, was truly surprising. I was taken aback at this offer. She says, of course, that her family wouldn't mind at all. And that I wouldn't be a burden, even though I know well what happens when another person is added to a group of people. I'm a young man. I eat a lot, take long showers, etc. I'm quite a list of things that are problematic. But they offered to house me for as long as I needed, even an entire semester! I just... I cannot fathom why... Even if it's explained to me. I am somewhat thick when incredulous. And I'm grateful for that as well. It amazes me that they would do that for one person such as I. But I am grateful. So much. Even if I don't take them up on their offer.

I just... I thank God in Heaven that I have the privilege of having someone so close to me, and an entire family who is willing to take me in when I need a place to go. So thank you. Those who I talk about, I thank you, from the deepest part of my tiny heart. And I wish that I could make it up to you somehow. In any way I could. You have my deepest love and greatest appreciation.

Thought For The Day

I hate goodbyes... :(

That is all.

Relationships...

I can't say I have much relationship experience. At least, not in the category of boyfriend/girlfriend. I have lots of experience being the person people go to. (I'm that one friend who gives great relationship advice, but is always single.) I have lots of experience in being awkward and being single. And I'll get to that in a bit. But... I have the most experience, interpersonally, it seems, with being people's closest friends.

I have only few people who I could consider part of this category, but with those few people, I can say I've gotten about as much experience as one can from being so close. I've been on the Recieving end of many bombshells. I've had people tell me so many secrets and things they'd not tell any other human being.  There's a... Element of... Love that associated with what I do. Every time someone tells me something in confidence. Something personal, or like what I've described, it... It makes me feel so close to them. It makes me feel like they trust me. And I hope that they feel like they can trust me too. And then, they get so close... I can tell anything and everything. I can tell their emotional states, every little thing. I know what sets them off, what makes them happy, what they desire and want out of life.  I know all their disappointments. Flaws. Edges.

And, in the end. It never changes my perception. It find this to be truly stunning. No matter what horrible things I hear.. In the end, I still don't hold it against them. All I feel... Is this overwhelming sense of compassion. I am invariably prejudiced in their favor. And I cannot really explain it to the people. I don't have the words to tell them... To make them understand. So I just leave it alone. Because... I hope they truly know. Even though my words cannot convince them.

I just... The emotions are what really matter. Doesn't matter what you do. The action is so not a problem for me. It's the fact that you and I both feel something. And that I can actually feel what it is you feel. So much so... That I can't help but feel it rather... Poignantly.

And now... The even MORE personal part. I am awkward and single. The few relationships I have or have had... Have all ended in sadness. Mostly because I am awkward and I say things I don't mean. I take great care to keep myself from insulting someone, or insinuating anything. Not that it does me any good. Cause I'm awkward. I end up saying things that... Even if they don't make them feel bad, they make me feel bad. I feel... Like even though I do so much good for people... I still end up hurting them unintentionally. I had a dream last night... Where my best friend and I were talking, and she told me... That I had made her cry because I'd said something. And I woke up, and I just... I couldn't stop...

That's how it is. I take so much care of other people... That I can't help but lose a bit of myself in doing just that. People I make so happy... I also make so sad...

I don't know. I can't truly pinpoint what it is I really mean. Like, I'm scratching the surface, but it's not enough. But that's occupied my thoughts recently.

An Apology.

So... I recently got into a situation where a bit of a problem was made manifest, and though it wasn't required, I wrote this apology to the member of the third party who was indirectly involved.

Let me tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago... I love her. I love her more than life itself. I would move the world for her. I would give up my life for her. I love her so much. And I have for a very long time. You know... How some people you wouldn't think you'd get close to, but after a short period of time, you start to see that they've become part of your life? I would never have imagined that she and I would be so close. But, we got close. So close. And then, while we were both focused on the past, she suddenly moved on. She chose you, because she didn't know... How I felt. And that was my fault. Just call me Gatsby...

I'll tell you this. I never ever would attempt to take her away from you. You make her happy. And my feelings for her make me want only one thing for her. I want her to be happy. So happy. And that means... That I let her be with you. Heck, I pushed her to be with you. My opinion might not have mattered too much, but I told her to go for it. Because with you, she gets to be so happy. And that's all I ever wanted.

Now. I do not excuse myself. What happened between her and I was not correct. Not something I was searching for openly, but not something I was adverse to either. I wanted to kiss her because that's a desire that I'd had for some time. But I KNOW that despite my feelings, I would not have done so. Because it's not my place. What happened, even though nothing really did, is not right. And for that, I am very truly sorry. It was not my intention.  

I am to blame here. I misread a few things, and started to act on a feeling. One I'd tried to bury. To change, even. I've been moving on, and finding someone else, and we've been working on what goes on between us. This incident is the first and last time anything like that has or will happen.  She did nothing wrong. It was me, and only me. And for that... You cannot imagine how sorry I am.  I realize asking for forgiveness is hard, but I ask that you forgive me and not hold it against her.  

Now. I don't know I'd he'll ever read this. And I hope he doesn't have to unless he needs one. But this is important. And that's why it's here. 

An Evening To Remember.

I'm sure, anyways.

So, my semester is nearly over. And for my dance class, we have two more things we have to do even though we've done all our dances. We have a formal and a competition.

I'm okay with the formal idea. I like it. I just have to dance at least five times and stay for an hour and a half. It'll be great. Apparently I dance a good Rumba and quite an attractive looking Waltz too. :)

But I worry about the competition... I have to dance both Waltz and Chacha. And I'm being judged on each. I don't know if I'll be called back, or if I'll flop miserably and get kicked out on the first round. I have two different partners, one of which asked me instead of me asking her, which is not normal. I have no idea why it happened, but it did. Anywho, so yeah.

Both of those will be most interesting, I think. I got a new suit and got it altered so that it fits me wonderfully. So it'll be nice to see how it turns out. :)


Anywho. Short, sweet, and to the point tonight. ;) No problems. :)

On Fairy Tales...

At the request of a reader:

I think that everyone, even some guys, have wanted some sort of... "Fairy Tale". Though we prefer them to be called... "Perfection." Or something of the like.

Fairy tales are special things. They've always been interesting. They have this... Very relatable and almost ethereal feel to them. :) It's just kind of... Awkward to write about if you're a guy.

But let me tell you something. There's something to them after all. The thought of spending time with someone you love, even if you feel it was love at first sight, is... Unfathomable. True love's kiss is only as far away as a dream. (And you know that, cause you walked with them once upon one.)

Seriously though. Without the Disney/Dreamworks puns. Everyone has their fairy tale. For some, it's the admittance of love from a person who they dream of. For others, it's being held by the one that they currently have. For me... Well, I'll save that for another time. :) Suffice it to say... We all have our vision of perfection. Our significant other, regardless of social standing. (Though it would be nice if they were royal.)

It's just... Immensely fulfilling to have such a dream. To wish for something with all your heart, and hope, that maybe it can come true. They give us something to hope for. Something to strive towards. (It's a wish your heart makes.) A prince/Princess is only an action away, once you find that person, and you realize what they could be.  I know someone... Who wishes for a fairy tale all the time. She has a significant other who, sadly, isn't as available to be with her as he once was. Her fairy tale is simply to be held by him. (You know what they say. If not, I have a picture for you.)

I don't know for certain, but everyone has those moments where they want something so bad... They wish, and they dream. Well, I'll tell you this, while mine hasn't come true yet, I'll leave it like that if it means the rest of you get yours, eh? :) You deserve a happily ever after, so go out and chase it! And don't stop until you've got it. :)

Truthfully yours,
ZW

Night

I've decided I love sleep. It's one of my favorite things. Nothing to do, no one to bother you. Just me and good old fashioned resting. No worries, no problems. Would be best if I fell asleep with a significant other around, perhaps both of us falling asleep on each other, but you know. Beggars can't be choosers.

But... Lately, I've found that my rest has been... Interrupted. Or otherwise.... Different. Sometimes I've cried myself to sleep, on account of something that has happened. Things that have affected me so much, or things I've thought of. Or even things that I wish I could have but never really can. Then I wake up, and I can't remember why. Just that... I had cried myself to sleep. I guess that's one way to go to bed at night.

Another is I read/talk myself to sleep. If my best friend is busy or she's already passed out, I read a novel or two and I go to sleep quite nicely. They give me good dreams and I always wake up feeling refreshed. Or, I talk with her until she falls asleep and then I go to bed. Sometimes I just pass out and she's left wondering why I haven't responded. I like this way. Less sad. More enjoyable. (Plus. It never fails to be interesting late at night when we talk. ;) )

At night, most often though... I'm alone with my thoughts. Just me myself and I. And those get pretty varied at night. Mostly, I think of what makes me happy. Scenarios run through my mind, and I'm left wishing that perhaps, just once, I could fulfill those. In order to fall asleep, I think of a scenario with a certain someone who could, in my opinion, make me feel... Content. And, as I become content, I fall asleep. This method works really well on long car rides. Or places that are uncomfortable to sleep in. But I always go to one of a few things when I sleep. (No, I'm not gonna mention them here, silly readers.) It's a patented method. ;) If you gotta sleep, think. :)

And when I do sleep... I never remember what I dream about. Or rather, very rarely. Only certain parts. Very vivid parts. But, my dreams are always very... Realistic. Never horribly fantastic or out of some sort of crazy ville. But very... Normal. I tend to see... Possibilities. And things that could actually be part of the future. Closely related to déjà vu. In the morning, I wake up, and it's like nothing ever happened, and I wish I could go back to sleep to continue living what was a wonderful dream.

Today is a, just get it over with and sleep day, I think. Hence the subject. I can't wait until I have to go to bed and I can just relax without problems to worry me.

Novels

It may surprise you readers, but I am actually an ameture novelist in my spare time, amongst my many other occupations. (Yes, I know. A man of many talents.) But, not to toot my own horn or anything, I seem to have a bit of a knack for the written word. Speaking is not one of my strong suits, what with my awkwardness and stuttering. But writing things shows my true ability. Strength. Knowledge. Whatever you may call it. When writing, I feel powerful. More confident, sometimes, because I can put down whatever I feel. Feeling is a very powerful thing. And only I have to see it, only I get to read it. Or, in the case of a novel, I create what I feel like is another entire world for people. For people to see what the world is like through my eyes, as vivid or as dull as that might seem. A place for people to go and then experience something totally new, perhaps, or even redefine that which is old.

Writing is like martial arts. There's this guideline that we follow. And the rest... Well, it lies up to the interpretation of the practitioner. Some people write horror stories. Some people, fictions of post-Apocalyptic places. Some, or far away lands or experiences back in the olden times, or even just of their own. I am none of those things. Simply put, I write... Well, romance-like novels. All the things I can feel, or even think of feeling. Those things can be transformed into something written. I can finally express the deepest most potent feelings I have, in a form where people can see. Even if they have no idea. Writing isn't always clear. I'm horrible with clarity sometimes, as I like things kept as  vague as possible on occasion. Something about writing things like that gives the reader a freedom. One that captivates them, but also makes them feel... Empowered.

That's what writing is. It's feeling! Once you understand what writing is, you open yourself up to a whole new place in yourself. A place you never thought you had inside of you. I... Was not an emotional person. I relied upon my own mind and body to tell me what to do. Empirical evidence to tell me what to think. What to know. Then... Something changed. Someone changed me. I started to realize what actual feeling was. And then... I started to think. And feel. I started to understand what exactly was going on. I started, essentially, to see what it was like.

And I have changed immeasurably since then. Feeling is a strange thing. More malleable than logic. More firey or passionate than any debate. It burns inside, and everything starts to make it grow. And with that growth... I started to write that which I was most comfortable with. The story... Of a boy who likes a girl. Set in a very realistic setting, it tells the tale of a teenage black belt. Who, basically, is in love with his best friend. (It has few parallels to myself. I don't like to talk about myself, even by proxy.) And, his journey to convince her of his feelings, and maybe, just maybe, find out if she likes him back.

Yes... I know. It's cliche. Typical. Boring. But it's not. It's like.. My life's work, so to speak. I put heart and soul into it, because it contains many of my feelings. By proxy, of course. It is a piece of me, like a prized possession, or a good friend. I know, it sounds strange, and you probably think I'm weird. But hey, we can't all be normal. Then life would be boring. ;)

Am I..?

Too nice? Do I let people walk all over me? I'd lay my life down for another human being. Certain of them more than others. Do I just do things to make other people happy? I'd rather err on the side of mercy than justice, but still.

Is there such a thing as too nice? Perhaps... Perhaps I should be less nice. Less accommodating. More... Standoffish. Perhaps girls really do like jerks. And I thought I was a jerk. But it seems that I'm quite the opposite. So much so, that people take advantage of me. I am more like... This cuddly little teddy bear that people use when they need me and then they put it aside... Like I'm just to be used and then put away in cold storage until the next time I'm needed.  Do I need to... Be less nice? I have few redeemable qualities, and my unconditional kindness is one of the best things I have going for me. But... Perhaps I take it too far. 

Now, to be fair... The few people I truly associate with very rarely ever do this to me. But, it's a pattern that I have found. One that I can't seem to shake. It... It kinda hurts. Because I  only have the best interests of other people at heart. In the end, other people deserve happiness. Not always myself. But, I get happiness from making other people happy. I'm dependent on that, sadly. But it happens often. I do so much to keep other people happy. It's my goal in life. I should never be the reason someone is unhappy, and if I am not, my job is to keep them or make them that way. 

But... I feel like I'm just kind of used sometimes. Not that I mind most times. But when I'm broken down and I need someone to perform that same function, I get people who have sympathy. Lots of sympathy. But, it's not the same... I often get people who just... Well, instead of asking me how I feel, and really listening, I get people who tell me what to do. And, as much as I appreciate it, it's like... "You don't really understand, do you? I really just want a hug and someone to tell me they love me and that they are sorry." Is that so wrong? 

Again, certain people in my life don't do that. They understand. They know how I work, what I want. Even if they don't think they do. And that's good. For the most part. 

The Mess I Made

My world is shattered. My parents aren't happy with me. My best friend... To save me from harm, she's basically planning on letting me go. I love her so much for that. But I also can't handle that. I'm crying over here. My eyes are flooding my face and bed with tears as I can do nothing but let them flow. Tears for what I may well never have again. We'll see each other sure, but, every time I see her... I'll just be filled with the same pain of losing her. It's wrong. So wrong. I've never ached like this before. I want her to stay. We can't be alone, but we can still talk..! I mean, let me have my little bit with you. Don't leave me... Please... Don't leave me... I couldn't handle it if you did... I cannot tell you what I would do....

I Feel...

Cold. Normally, I feel cold when I'm sick. But this is different. I'm not really ill. I'm not eating as much as usual. I just feel... Kind of alone. I'm home watching a movie, and all I feel is cold and alone. I wish I had someone here with me that wasn't related to me. Someone to give me their full attention, even if they aren't really here. (Though, that would be ideal.)

I don't know where it's coming from. Truly. I just know it's there, and I wish that I could solve it.

Have You Ever...?

Woken up from a dream and wished it was reality? It's very interesting. Interesting to try and remember and want something you can't have, but see it so vividly in your mind that you wish it was real. I had this dream once, and yesterday... It became as close to reality as I could make it.

You see, my best friend came home yesterday after being away for a week. And she wanted company, so I worked really hard, injured myself slightly, and then made my way to her house for some good old quality time with her. Four whole hours... :)  But anywho, after baking, and bandying words with her father, we went downstairs to watch a movie. After some debate, we picked Get Smart, and proceeded to fight with the DVD player and watch the movie.

Though I didn't see much of it. You see, my best friend, in her infinite playfulness, did many things while we sat next to each other on that couch. She gave me a wet willie, which incited an all out war. We wet willie'd each other on and off, between actually watching the movie. And she told me that she would lick my head and face. Which, of course, she did do. And she licked her hand and used it as a medium to once again, lick me by proxy. This, I returned, so we spent most of the movie trying to one-up each other. Eventually, I just let her win. And, to top it off, when we weren't in our war, she attempted to "suffocate" me with a pillow. Which was interesting.

But the interesting didn't stop there. After she'd settled down, she got really close to me. And then, she looped her arm under mine, and laid her head on my chest. (She told me I had a really loud heartbeat.) She shifted a few times throught the rest of the movie, sometimes her head was on my shoulder. Sometimes she would shift just so much that she would get even closer to me. I was waiting for her to fall asleep on me, actually, but she didn't as tired as she was. And eventually I had to leave, so we walked out to my car, and we hugged. And then played a little game, cause she told me I couldn't move her. So I pulled her into me, and then gently moved her back out against the car, and then pulled her in again. Then we hugged again, and pulled back a bit so that I could look at her adorable little face again, and then she told me I needed to leave so I could get my sister. I left with a heavy heart.

You see, I really enjoyed that. The hugs, the one-on-one attention, the snuggling. I was... Content. We had fun with each other, poking, teasing, playing around. I liked that. A lot. She's really fun, and I love that. I wouldn't have needed the snuggling to have a good time, but I really enjoyed that. It was physical, just like she likes. But for me, it was nice having her close to me. I liked feeling her closeness. I like how we looked into each other's eyes, and smiling at her. Even if she didn't know what I was doing when I closed my eyes and smiled. At that moment, I was entirely and totally content. The happiest man on earth. Even if it was only fleeting, words cannot truly describe my feeling. Simply that, we were enjoying each other's company, and that I could show her how much I love her was enough. :)

And that was enough for me. I had gotten what I wanted. Which was quality time with my friend who I so dearly missed. And she got the company she wanted. All in all, I had a wonderful time. :) As, I hope, she did too. :)

ZW

Poem? Sorta kinda?

I'm not gifted in prose. But I do try. Here you go.

For you know who. (You know who you are.) Fondest wishes. May you forever shine brightly and be an example to everyone you meet and uplift them as you have me.


Effervescence

You are radiant.
My knees knock.
My heart races.
I can't stand to look.

You make me
Nervous. Shake. Stutter.
My normal calm
Is but a pitiful facade.

For in truth,
You're effervescent.

You shine brightly.
All I see
Is your radiance
You're so full of energy.

You're so beautiful.
Stars can't touch
Nor any human
Ever come to such perfection.

Who can equal you?
Your effervescence.

Your true compassion
Overwhelms my senses
Your newfound confidence
Can only make me worse

In your presence
I only feel
Happy and safe
But, also a bit insignificant.

I pale next to
Your effervescence.

For, when faced
With such perfection
What to do?
The answer is quite simple

Revel in it.
Enjoy it fully.
Love it completely.
After all, truly you are

Effervescent.

ZW

Homesick...

I haven't left, of course. And no, she isn't homesick, or not that that know of. But...

I was thinking.

About where home was. I live here, where I reside. But, I don't consider it my real home in terms of where I came from. Where I go back to in my mind. Where I feel most comfortable.

In my case, it's St. Helens. That's the place where I was born. A place where I have only good memories. My mother's family lives there. It's a lovely place, where it rains almost all the time. The smell is like none other. It always smells like the rain. Cool, crisp, and clean. I'm fond of it. It's very small for a town. And really local based. (It's also the place where they filmed the Halloween Town movies. Which is pretty sweet. :) )

My memories of that place are simple. Just... Family and food and fun. Good times spent with my Grandmother, who is forever and always the most wonderful person who is related to me. I love her. And the rest of the family over there. They make me happy. They're simple people, not like the other side of the family. They're just very... Laid back. Very funny people though. Where I get my sense of humor.

But, there's more than just nostalgia. There's... Something else. You see, I think that with all those memories... There comes a time when some memories must be made. And not just remembered. And so... That also crosses my mind.

In my mind, I see me and someone very special to me. I envision myself and my significant other... There. I can imagine it so vividly. I can smell the rain. Feel her hand slip into mine as we walk down Main Street and on the river line. Getting ice cream at the local place. Going to Powells in Portland. All the places I enjoy, just with her. Reveling in her presence, and holding her close to me. And, of course, taking her to meet my family. I don't know why, but that idea just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I think sometimes on that subject. Of taking this person to meet my family. Even if she gets nervous around everyone but me. I think of holding her while we go and do the things that I want to do with her. All those things I know, but want to show her.

I want to show her what... What makes me tick. What makes me... Well, me. All the things that are important to me, I want her to see. Give her a vision. And I want to do the same thing with her. I've seen much of her life. I know a lot of things. But I've never had her take me somewhere and point things out like I want to do.

I don't know. Maybe that's just me. I'm not the only person who feels this, sure. But, it's like.... I wish I could. It would fulfill so much of a hope and dream.

So yeah. There you go fans.
ZW

Mi Manchi Come L'aria Che Respiro...

Mi mancharai...

If you only knew...
What am I gonna do when you leave..? I didn't think that I would be this attached. And you probably are going to want nothing to do with me.  Because I'm so... Attached. Most people just think I'm ridiculously clingy. And they get annoyed so easily at me. I just.... I wish I could be with you. Wherever you go. Whenever. I want to be the person that you talk to all the time. The person who you say "I love you" to. And mean it. I wish I could be close to you. All the time. I wish that, for once in my life, perhaps I could have the one thing that I want.

When you go, you'll be busy, and you won't have much time for me. I'll be alone, wishing you were here. I'll feel like an Owl City song... I'll have to go to someone else to tell them my problems. To express to them the apparently undying feeling in my heart. It's either that or I keep it in. And by doin that, I will explode. I cannot hold in all of what crosses my mind every minute I spend thinking of you.

I wish that I was able to keep you as close to me as I wanted to. When you and I embrace... I wish that I could stay there in your arms forever.  You make me so happy. When you're around, I just... I cannot explain how suffused with joy I am in your presence. When you lean on me, or lay your head on me, and you complain, I nearly burst with joy. When I see you, my knees start to buckle. I look at you, and my face makes this big smile, and I even get a little nervous... Nobody else makes me do that. I like how we can talk about almost any subject and it's not awkward. It's just normal.

And when you walk away, a piece of me goes with you. And I don't know why. It never fails. I just go back to my house in silence, waiting for the next time I can see your wonderful, sunny, bubbly visage in my life again. Waiting for the next time I can talk with you, so I can hear your voice again.

You do this to me again. And again. Every time. And I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. Because you matter so much to me.

ZW

The Subject of Dancing!

So, I'm taking this dance class this semester in school. And I've found a rather interesting hobby in this class of mine.

Seriously. I don't know how I missed this for 18 years. I got into martial arts, and that takes up a lot of time. And it's the exact opposite of dance. It's quite strange. But, I never though I'd enjoy it as much as I do.

And there's several reasons for that. First and foremost, women really are fond of guys who dance. Don't let them fool you with words or excuses, every girl loves a guy who can dance, especially when they want to. And there's so many things one can do with that skill! I mean, girls love a nice penguin shuffle and it's easy to do. But, if you want class, the best slow dance to do is a waltz. Waltzes are wonderful things. They have a pretty slow count, but they're so graceful! And romantic. They're nice and closed, so you're very close to your partner. But, it's so very interesting because it's just so... Graceful to watch. And to perform too. :)

And on the opposite end of the spectrum is the Tango. Tango is the other most romantic dance, but for a different reason. Where Waltz is slow and graceful, the Tango is passionate and fast. Very full of close contact and just rather exhilarating to perform. It's awesome. Now, I'm not too familiar with the Tango, but I do know a good amount of a chacha. Which is also pretty quick and close. I like chacha because it is fairly basic and easy to deal with. Most of the moves are pretty basic. Similar to each other. Basically like one giant chain move, all looking awesome, of course. :)

It's hard sometimes though. The timing, the movements, having to work with another person. Communicating with them without actually saying a word. It's an active process. Definitely not passive. It takes a lot of work sometimes. But it's worth every bit of work you put in it. And I'll tell you why.

Here's another reason. I like dancing with pretty women. Just like girls like dancing with good looking guys. There's nothing like dancing, I think. People, I think, like being close to other people. There's just something with being hand in hand with another person. And looking into their beautiful eyes, and seeing the joy contained within. The feeling of moving together, as basically one person, across a dance floor, in a sea of other people... But really only seeing that one person that you're with. The feeling of tension and non-verbally communicating a movement... That is a feeling like none other.

It's almost indescribable. Dancing is amazing. And I look forward to continuing it next semester.
ZW

Tell Me Something....

What does the phrase, "friend" mean to you? Seriously. I mean, what does it even mean to people anymore? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned or something, but being friends used to mean something. Best friends meant even more.

But really? I forgot someone's birthday. Until about the last hour of the day. So I wished her happy birthday! But it wasn't the same. She said it was, quote, "fine" cause her family forgot too. But it isn't. I take things seriously. Forgetting things like that is not preferably my cup of tea. It's all bitter. And, when I say it's not okay, it's not okay. Certain things shouldn't be done. You shouldn't have to be alone on your birthday. And I certainly shouldn't be allowed to do that because no one deserves that.

Oh! It makes me angry. Mostly at myself. Because I forgot something important. And yet, my honor is insulted by this excuse. It's not right. Not fair.

Is it wrong? Am I wrong? Should I be acting like this over such a trivial matter? It's not trivial to me. But it seems to be like that for her. For whatever reason. I'm a stickler for things. When you're close to me, I won't forget things like that. Your problems are my problems. If you're scared, I'll be there for you. If you're sad, I'll be there to listen and comfort you. If you ache, I'd take care of you. You are not an obligation. You are a privilege. And, oft times, I'm not totally perfect. But I try to take care of whatever must needs be done... Is that wrong?

I won't be stopping. I will continue to do what I do. And that means that I will take responsibility for my actions, and also my lack of action. Despite what you may think should be the case. It's not up for debate. It simply is.

ZW

My Favorite Subject! :)

Romance!

Girls like to read about it! (And love to be the recipient of it.) Guys like to initiate it! And everyone loves the benefits of it. :) Holding hands, a light kiss or two, and on a cold winter's night, there's nothing like curling up and laying in the arms of your significant other. (Or, in most guy's cases, having the girl in his arms. Oooh la la! ;) )

Though I've never had a significant other of my own, I have learned a lot about what and what not to do when chasing a member of the opposite gender. And I've gotten close enough to that to have knowledge of what to do in a romantic relationship. This has been added to by the many opinions of my female friends, who always change the way I view things every time they give me advice. :)

They say that nice guys finish last. That gentleman can't compete with bad boys. I beg to differ. My friends, gentleman is the new bad boy. :) Ladies love a guy in leather, or in a nice tuxedo, sure. But they also love a guy who's not a jerk. It's been my experience that when a guy or girl thinks of a gentleman, they get a rather interesting and incorrect view of what we actually are. We're a dying breed, you know. Lots of jerks out there who take women for granted. And, strangely enough, the women fall for them! Like, they like being harassed and abused, just because they don't care, or because they may not know what it's like, romance.

Let me assure you, guys and gals, this is not how it goes. Hence, why gentleman is the new bad boy. In this world of jerks and buttheads, we gentleman stand out. Now to the real work. There is a difference between being a gentleman and being a yesman. Gentleman are firm and have autonomy. We can say no, and sometimes, we have to. If you just automatically agree, then you're not really being a gentleman, you're just being a suck up. If you have an idea, don't hesitate to mention it. If you have something to say, or advice to give, or a no to say, say it. But, say it in such a way that shows respect to the woman in front of you.

It is a complicated thing, romance. Different for every person and in a state of flux between so many different states. It can be cool and causal, and or "hot and steamy". Soft, passionate, intense; the list goes on and on. And thus, it is so very hard to analyze. But, I digress. There are very basic guidelines one follows in order to make something like this work. I have found a minute part of this out, as a result of my study of people and myself. This type of thing, romance, makes me so very happy. I like trying to understand how people work. And I try out my ideas when I can.

Firstly, you don't have to be a sap for women to like you. But you don't have to be a jerk either. I suggest studying romance novels. While they may not be horribly realistic, they give good ideas, if you pay attention. Somewhere in the middle of passionate, funny and firm does the trick.

Girls do honestly like hearing compliments. I give as many of those out as I can, and you wouldn't believe how happy it makes them, even if their reactions aren't as energetic as you may think. They may tell you to stop, or tell you that they don't deserve it in one of many ways. This is an opportunity to show them how you feel. :) Tell them that they deserve compliments. Tell them that you'll stop saying them, but you'll continue to think them. This may drive them crazy, but they do appreciate being told they look nice, or that they're adorable. They like it when you laugh at their jokes, or play along when they are messing around. It shows you care.

Which leads to my next point. Let them know you care. Actively listen to what they have to say. Even if they're ranting, or telling you what you're doing wrong, or just plain having a horrible day and needing someone to talk to. They need you in that instant, and if you're there, their feelings for you will grow positively. If you miss them, text them randomly. They may well be on the opposite side wanting you to text them, but don't know if they should do it themselves or not. Fancy words and nice gifts are nice, but the feeling of being appreciated and listen to is much more lasting a gift.

Another thing I've noticed. But on the more physical sense. Girls... Work in such a way that their emotional sense often is tied to physical stimuli. Hence the reason they like holding hands, hugs, and lots of other friendly touching like pats on the shoulder, a hand in the center of the back. These things and more... These things work like so: in any type of relationship, whether it is between friends, spouses, significant others, each of those touches means something important. Corresponds to an emotional feeling that is very prevalent in girls' perception of people. Holding hands is a safety thing, and it implies a very non-platonic relationship. It's a definite sign of interest and love. Hugs are signs of affection, from familial level to interest to intense feeling. Depends on the frequency and the duration. Pats on the shoulder are friendly. Hands in the center of the back... Something very special. It's mainly a form of safety. Women like it because in situations where they are uncomfortable, it gives them a physical manifestation of connection. Between them and someone they trust. Usually only used between the girl and someone she is very close to.

Another point, for kicks. The quirkier the better. :) Eccentricities are great. If you have quirks, strange little habits or likes or dislikes, they like that. If they have feelings for you, they will remember them and try to cater to those whims. This works in your direction too. Pay attention! You may find a few things you will want to know, so that you can better find what truly makes her tick. Once you know
her quirks, you can easily understand. :) But it doesn't make her any less attractive to you, quite the opposite. The people who say that the thrill is in the chase are liars. The real thrill is what you do with what you know. :) And that knowledge makes things so very interesting.

So, there you have it. A brief compendium. Oh, and girls! This works just as well for you too. Pay attention to all the guys movements too. :) We'll thank you later.

ZW

...

I've done the one thing that I had wished I'd never do. I have hurt my best friend. It might not have been entirely my fault. And I hope she's okay. But, oh my goodness... My heart... It hurts... And I can't stop crying. Do I lack control? Am I... A loose cannon? Should I stop doing things that could hurt people? Hurt... Her? What's wrong with me?

I didn't think I'd done anything wrong... Until she started to cry... And that sound... Oh how it hurt... I told her to sit up, and she cried on me for a little bit. All I could do was hold her trembling body against my own as my eyes started to water. And as my heart hurt, and I held her, I just waited. I pulled her close, and I even kissed her head softly. But it hurt her so much... And it made me cry... And then, she pulled back and she looked at me. And she saw my eyes, and immediately and quietly chastened me for crying. And then, ever so softly, she wiped away the tears in my eyes. And she ran her hand through my hair in what was a comforting gesture. Which just made me weep even more, because I couldn't control myself.

And then when she stood, well, she couldn't stand all that well. And then my heart just broke... Because she was in so much pain... And I was the cause of it. She couldn't stand so well, and she really needed my help at times. She let me open doors, and move her gear. Which definitely was a sign. And she couldn't take any steps without gasping out in pain. I walked her to her car, and she let me open her doors and take her bag. And then painfully got in her car. Where I made sure she was okay. And then we looked at each other for a while, and she ran her hand through my hair again, and made me promise not to worry. I grudgingly promised, and let her go, though I didn't want to.

I just... Oh, I couldn't help myself. I did many things, tried to keep her as comfortable as possible, even tried to massage her back to relieve some of her pain. Which succeeded marginally, but still not good enough for me. And I'm not sure... I'm just sad. And very sorry. And I know what the consequences are. So... Yeah. There you have it.

Angels... Both of the Mythological and the Realistic Kind

At the behest of one of my more ardent readers I have been given a prompt to write on today. Apparently, it is Angels.

Angels of the ethereal kind are hard to talk about. Not many people have seen them, and those who have... Well, they tend to not talk about them. It's kinda sacred. I often ask myself what they look like, and many pictures have been shown. (See, I wouldn't mind if angels looked like anime angels. Big eyes, adorable faces. You know, anime like.) But, since I haven't as of yet seen an angel, it would be somewhat hard for me to really describe them. I'm sure they're infinitely kind and knowledgeable. Being servants of a divine being, they probably get lots of perks. (Parking spots close to the heavenly office building, access to Heaven's Famous all-you-can eat-and-never-get-fat buffet, God-like powers, and never ever being bored.) But they have a lot of work to do. After all so many people are on the other side. Death certainly does not mean release from work. (You hear that, people? Even after we die, we still don't get any rest. ;) )

Anywho. Enough with that. Angel also is used as a more colloquial term, used by guys to refer to women, and, while I don't know this for certain, I can only assume that a few people are fairly good and "angelic". (Besides my dearest friend Onee-chan. Who I already know is. :) )

You see, on my journeys across campus, I have found a few girls that I could think about pursuing. One of which is in my math class. She's pretty cute. She has this interesting shade of light brown hair, and bright blue eyes. She's about my height, actually. (Which has more meaning than one would think.) She's pretty intelligent, but really quiet. Like, she can talk, and she does so with the other girl who sits at our table. But, she doesn't really say all that much. (I'm kinda like that. Except I talk a lot, but I don't always say very much.) She seems really nice though. She has a nice sounding voice. And she's really calm. Nothing seems to faze her. Probably a good thing in school. :) She's not afraid of asking for help, even though I'm pretty sure that she could do it even better than I could. :)

And then, in my dance class there are many wonderful people. But, so far, only one person has made the effort to remember my name, and succeeded. I won't mention her name here, but I think she's really cute. :) She has blonde hair and brown eyes, sit closer to about 5'2, (So, much shorter than myself. The perfect height, nearly. Just tall enough to fit under the chin.) And she's energetic. Very much so. Not hyperactive, but energetic. And a very good dancer. (So much so that sometimes I can't keep up. because my own dancing skills are less impressive than hers, but I do my best, and it seems to work out.) She has a very good sense of humor, and she uses it really often. And she is rather... supportive. Almost pushy, but in a good way.

There you go, Whiteout fans. Steer clear of avalanches. :)
ZW

Doctor Who

 "When I look at her, I see all of it. The hole that was left and the pain that filled it."
                                                                                                                                      --David Tennant
ZW
(From Doctor Who, The Doctor's Daughter.)

Like a Blues Song...

Some days, I curse myself. I'm a very empathic person, I have to consider all emotions attached to something before I can make any type of decision. And, when I make certain decisions, I often can't fathom the outcome, and I end up feeling bad, for one reason or another. A few recent events have occurred that have made me feel this way, and I don't like it. (To the person who reads this: What I said still maintains it's effect. You don't have to apologize for telling me things. Or asking me to do things. You don't bother me at all. I look forward to these things. I do and feel things because I love you.)

First off, my best friend recently had... well, a bit of a scary thing happen to her. This has been midterms week for her, fraught with exams, reports, and Prom stuffs for Art Club. Needless to say, she was under great duress. When, of course, she is under such duress, she immediately forgoes certain things. Like eating. (As most people do when they're busy.) But for her, it's worse. Anywho. I was working at the courthouse the other day, working with AutoMarks (Giant 100 pound pains in the-- well, I'll keep it clean. My brother refers to them as such, but I tend not to repeat him.) and I get a few voice messages from her.

It seems that she was really stressed, and she asked me to take her home and if I could help her with a report she had due. This, normally, would have been fine and dandy, except that I was with my Mom AND we had 4-H that night. So, while I was talking with her, something strange happened. All the sudden, she started to have problems speaking. She would repeat herself a bunch of times, and I could tell things had taken a turn for the worse. I couldn't have made it in time, I noticed, because she called her mother, and she was taken to the doctor to see what was the matter. She knows what went wrong, and she's trying to avoid it now. But, at that moment in time... I couldn't control myself. Just hearing her speak made my heart stop. My breath shortened up, and my pulse started to race. Frantically, I tried to get my Mom to take me to where she was so that I could do something. Anything. My entire being wanted to be exactly where she was, so that I could be of some use to her. I just... Oh, I wanted to find her, and hold her, and tell her it was going to be okay. Take her back to her house, and lay her down on her bed, and sit there and wait. Wait until I knew she was okay. But, I couldn't. I spent the entire night wondering. Hoping that all was well. It got so bad that one of my Sensei's intervened. Told me a few things. Hard things and soft things. And it eased my conscience a little, but I still felt sick and sad.

A week ago, she was at a Stake Dance. Of course, I thought, she'd be fine, right? No worries at a Stake Dance. Well, it turned out she was forced by her Mom to go, but her boyfriend wasn't going to be there. So, she was alone. She messaged me asking me to come so that she wouldn't have to be alone, and other such things. Again, my situation depended on my mother, who again, shot me down. So, I waited. All night. To make sure she got home. Because, I couldn't go and comfort her as I wanted. And I dearly wanted to. I like dancing. And spending time with her. So, I felt bad, because I had one desire. She had one need. And I couldn't manage to fill it.

And then, today. Her ward was having a youth auction, auctioning off lots of items in the business of raising money for their youth trips. I was availed of this several days before, and was being encouraged to come, but I knew I wouldn't be able to, because my father was home that weekend. And whenever Dad is home, I go nowhere. (It comes down to a few things. Very important things. So I had to make a choice, and much to my chagrin, I made the wise one.) We had things we needed to do. It literally took us the entire day to put our basement back together, and I knew that was going to happen. So I told her I wouldn't be able to make it. (Not that it was horrible, you know, that I couldn't. They needed people to show up, is all.) I would have gladly came, just for her. So I felt bad once more, because I couldn't go. Then, she comes back and tells me that I "missed out". Now, I responded first with regret, and then with a little sarcasm. I immediately regretted it. She didn't know how I felt. So I shouldn't have responded as I had. If she had known that I felt bad about not being able to attend... About not having been able to support her and spend some time with her like I love to do... She might not have said it. But, I can't blame her.

Apparently, I've been doing a lot of letting down lately. And frankly, it hurts. Because I don't like having to do that. I ache so badly when I can't do something for someone. I mean, I'd jump off a cliff for people, if it did any good. For her, all my talents, time, experience, and love are at her disposal. So, to do such a thing as to repeatedly fail her doesn't sit well with me. Gah... I don't like it. I really don't. I spend sleepless nights thinking of this sometimes.

It also hasn't been too pleasant that one of my other best friends has been ignoring me, and yet she still hasn't told me why. And then, she goes and asks for my help late one night. I, of course, answer her back as quickly as I can, but... It hurt that she wouldn't talk to me, and then, when she needed me, she finally decided she would speak to me again. Like, "I'm ignoring you, but as soon as I need help, you're suddenly there." Seriously? Is that what it means? I mean, I know I'm overprotective and somewhat bossy, but instead of ignoring me, why not just tell me? I'm many things, but what I don't do is make excuses for myself. I acknowledge that I did something stupid, and I move on in the right direction. I needed to speak with her. Several times. I needed to tell her things. Things to get off my mind. I sent her a message every time. And normally, she's there. But, this time, she wasn't. She point-blank shut me down. And that stung, because never in my life have I done that to her. To anybody. Even when people ignore me, I'd still move the world for them. I feel... Many things. I want her to feel like I'm always there. Because I am. But, what happens when you ignore someone, and then, when you need them... They don't come back? I personally, hope to never do that to someone. And I have a very large amount of patience. But even I can take a hint. I'll fight tooth and nail to keep people in my life. But, if you don't want to talk with me, that's... Well, that's a real pity. Because part of me wants to keep you talking to me. Most of me. About 95%. But, that other 5%... Tells me that if you really don't want to speak with me... Then I'll let you do as you wish. Because that's how love works.

I guess, when you're like me, you get stuck holding the stick of emotional dynamite. Everything is all sunshine and roses until something happens. Then, I have to make a choice. Normally, I pick the choice that solves the other person's problems. Makes them happy. And in return, I become happy. And they feel like there is someone in their court. (I like to think of myself as a Gatsby type person. I try to be invariably prejudiced in favor of the people I associate myself with. The people I love.) But, when I can no longer do that, I feel like... Well, a failure. And I don't like that. Not one bit.

Have a good weekend, Whiteout fans.

Tournament! And a Little Something Else...

Howdy there, Whiteout fans! It's been a while, but I figured a tournament would be a good enough reason to jump back on the blogging horse.

So. Yesterday there was a tournament held in Rigby. I, of course, only had one event, but all of our students who performed did a wonderful job. Of special mention was my best friend. She performed in four events, and got gold in almost all of them, cause she's amazing. I only performed in one event and judged the rest of them with a few of the other black belts. And, we also performed our kagura, which I mentioned earlier. It went really well. And if we'd managed to start on time (due to a teeny tiny music glitch), it would have been perfect. We did really well, and both of us got gold medals for our performance. We have a plan to improve it over the next three months or so for the tournament in August, but we'll probably only be able to do the first half of the wave for the tournament, due to time constraints. But, it went over really well, and I truly think that by the next tournament, it will be very well done. :) Overall, our students did a really good job. Two of the three grand prizes went to students from our dojo. (The other one went to a student previously from our dojo, so it didn't fall far from the tree.) As usual, I got free food, and candy for cheap, so I can't wait for the next tournament to stock back up. ;)

And now... to a slightly further removed subject.

It has come to my attention... That I do a lot for other people that they don't really think I should. I don't understand why, truly. You see, I have few things I do. One of which is something very easily taken for granted. Taken advantage of. And yet, I manage to do it anyway. Simply put, I have an unending love for other people. And certain people, I would bend over backwards for. One such person.. Yesterday, kind of gave me a lecture. She told me that I didn't need to do so much for her. To stop sacrificing myself for her.

This gave me pause. And a bit of frustration. Because, well... I don't know any other way to do things. This is how I am. When I have love for someone, especially this person, I will always, ALWAYS, do anything and everything I can for them. It's not because they aren't capable. Or that they're weak, or unable to do anything. It's because I CAN do things. Because I want to. I have a hard time watching the people close to me struggling. I have a hard time watching them make what I think might be mistakes. 

There's so much I could say on this subject. My opinion isn't always needed. Or wanted. And most of the time, it is ignored. Because I'm overprotective. But, with my version of love... I do everything I can do out of love. I have to do it, because I need to. She told me that I had no reason to stay up to make sure she got home safe. No reason, in fact, to even do anything for her at all! Even though, both of us knew she'd forever do the same for me! (Now, I don't know about you, but that logic isn't exactly sound, and I kinda chuckled at this.) This, of course, was unacceptable to me, but again, it got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who gives unconditionally. I want nothing from the other person, pretty much. I give out love and trust and help unconditionally. The only thing I could ever ask for, is this: That maybe, just maybe, that the person I give that to could take it and appreciate it. And, even less asked for, maybe they could even give it back in their own way. I don't care if they do or not. I don't care if the person I give myself to can do for themselves what I can do for them. I don't really care how capable you are, and I'll let you do certain things by yourself. I don't involve myself in everything, because people are people.

But, seriously. Even the most capable people can fall down. Even the strongest people need help. And, I always help. I'm always there if people need me. My best friend is one of the most capable girls I've known. She's strong, and kind, and amazing. But to me, she's someone who I get to have the privilege of helping when she needs it. (And this is to say nothing of her blatant disregard for my constant chivalry. ;) She can't do anything about it, and she knows it, but she always tries to do the stuff that I'm supposed to do. Like open doors, and carry bags, etc.) And she's never told me before that I shouldn't do things for her. It's not easy for me to do that.

I am the... opposite. Strong though I might be, I depend on other people. On doing things for other people. For stability. To keep myself... normal. Everything I do out of love, is also something I do simply because I have a need to do and show my love for the people in my life. I do it because I need to. It makes me happy. It gives me immense joy to help her, because I feel useful. I feel needed. And that's very hard for me to get sometimes. I feel like... When I do things for other people, I get the love that I need. If I don't, I feel like I haven't done anything to deserve what is given me. I'm hard to deal with, I know. I gotta have things a certain way. I do what I do, and I never compromise it for anyone, because I can't.

I haven't even begun to write the thousand-fold things that I really feel on this subject. But suffice it to say this: I won't change how I am. I can't. I can't help worrying, and helping, and always being there for her. I don't know what I'd do without her, to be honest, because I've come to depend on her in every way, shape, and form that I can. Sometimes, she asks me to do things that... I cannot. And some of those things, I attempt anyway, knowing that I've done what I can to try and convince her otherwise. And, I'll tell you, sometimes, it hurts me to know that she's doing something that could be a bad thing. I just... ache. So much. Because I love her so much, that... When she does something that I can see could be... less than good, I start to ache from the fact that I KNOW something is wrong. And now it's come to the point... Well, everything she does affects me in such a way that I feel what she does. I hurt when she hurts. I feel sad when she is sad. And I'm immensely happy when she is happy. I guess that's part of what is deep feeling for another person.

And there you have it, folks. Talk to you later, Whiteout lovers. Steer clear of avalanches.
ZW

The Day From Heck...

Is tomorrow. Today is "The Day Just Before Heck." Today, I woke up to a GINORMOUS crack in our fish tank, a raging headache, and a busy day full of things to do. And then the fish tank broke. As I sit here, covered in fish water, smelling like a fish tank, and my entire body aching, I just think of one thing: Tomorrow will be no better. An utterly hopeless prospect. But the only one I currently have.

I spent THREE HOURS today vacuuming two spots on the carpet downstairs. Which, of course, was wetter than the ocean. THREE HOURS!! And you wanna know how much good it did? NONE. Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Cero. Nein. So much for a useful day. Then, I went to campus, and traipsed about, and I was thwarted there too! I couldn't even get my BOOKS! Or my parking permit! The only good thing I managed to do, was get my exercise clothes! (Cause I'll be hitting the gym on my off time. Hello muscles! :) ) Anywho. So, then I came back home to more futile efforts.

On top of this, I start school on Monday. Which will be lovely. And tomorrow, we have yet MORE trees to plant, MORE fish tank stuff, AND preparations for the giant family party for the holidays! Which is why tomorrow is gonna be lovely.

In other news, I have had several emotional upheavals this week. And, unrelated to that... My friend who lives in Boise has contacted me several times, asking for a listening ear. Which, I happen to enjoy. I'm fond of giving people an ear and a shoulder. And, she really needed it. I'm sure that being kicked out and not having any foreseeable place to go is wonderful for the stress level. So, when she contacted me, she was suitably freaked out. And she needed someone to go to for help. And who am I to turn someone away? That's my bread and butter, man. One of the only reasons I have actual friends, is because I seem to be a rather good influence, and can manage to help people calm down, and give them the comfort they need.

This seems to be my purpose in life. Several times this week alone, it has become apparent to me, that I am a force for good in this world. People come to me with their problems, and somehow, they leave without them. Or, at the very least, with a sense that they can overcome them. Makes me wonder... What am I to do with this...? How can I better use this to help the people I care about? I seem to elude myself. I can't see in myself what everyone else sees in me. In reality, all I see in myself is a few small abilities, and the fact that I'm a jerk. A pain in the bottom, most times. I'm stubborn, sometimes rude and arrogant, honest to a fault, (The size of the San Andreas.), and a million other things. That I feel will make it hard for me in life. Not things that I can change, per se. Just things... As they are. Of course, people seem to see me completely differently. To some, I'm a saint. To others, a nice young gentleman. To even others, maybe an overachiever. To a few, a friend. To even fewer, a leader. And to a very VERY small amount of people, a best friend.

My problem, is this. I am an extremely emotional person. Not the crying type. Just that, I have requirements emotionally that must be met. And in this way, I am construed as needy. Which I suppose I am. More on this to come.

I'll cut this one short, folks. The next one's gonna be a doozy....

Stay safe, and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW

My Best Friend!

The one that lives close by, anyways. :)

There's so much to say... I mean, she's amazing. I'll start in one place, I guess, and end when I end. (Whenever that will be. I could sing her praises forever and ever.)

Where to start...? Oh! I shall start by describing her. She's... adorable. Absolutely wonderful. From her soft brown hair and petite figure, all the way to her stunning blue eyes and endearing personality. I look at her, and I just get all happy inside. She has that personality. Whenever I'm around her, I smile and laugh, without even trying. She does that to me without even trying. Whether it's her snarfing down any food she sees or freaking out cause I poked her in her ticklish spot. :) She just makes me smile and laugh. And that's something I really appreciate in her, because everyone can use that in their life. She's REALLY friendly, which I also admire. She has tons of friends, and is constantly making more. That's just how she is, bubbly, friendly, and altogether amazing. She has lots of running jokes, and she always laughs really loudly when something is hilarious. (This is mostly because she or other people make jokes at my expense, which just makes it even funnier for her.) But, if it gets her to laugh, I'll gladly be the entertainment. Something about her laugh, her voice. It just makes me want to listen. She calls me Oni-sensei, and I call her Onee-chan. We have a very special relationship, is the simplest way to put it. I'm her big brother, dependable, and always around when she needs someone, constantly keeping her safe. And she's my little sister who I love to death, and would do anything for. Just as I know she'd do all of that for me, and she does.

She's always there for the people in her life, too. And there's a lot of those people. But, of especial mention, is that she is always there for me. Whenever I have a problem, I know I can turn to her for a listening ear. (And sometimes a hug, if we're talking in person.) She's always really active, always doing something somewhere. (Seriously, sometimes I wonder if she ever sits down for a second to rest, cause she's busy busy busy.) But, it's an endearing quality, because it means she puts effort into what she does, and that she cares about the people in her life. Even if you aren't the nicest to her, or if you even don't like her, she'd still give you the jacket off her back if she found out you needed one. She always has some sort of activity going on. Almost all of my dates have been because she either found someone for me, or needed a double so she could date. And they've all been fun. :) She wants to be a nurse, which I believe is a wonderful profession for her to go into. (She'll make the best nurse, I know it.) She has just the right personality. Sweet and kind, but firm at times. (Nobody walks over her unless she lets them. I've tried to say no sometimes, or to give her money for the many things she's done for me, but she refuses. She just throws it back at me. Once her mind is made up, there's no changing it...)

She has a lot of interesting hobbies, many of which I had the skill to do. She draws AMAZINGLY! Oh my goodness, rarely have I seen such artwork in my life. It's seriously awesome to watch her do her work, and then see the finished result. (I have been very much awed by her drawing ability time after time.) And she can play piano, (Which, again, is totally outside my range of ability.) She plays it really well. (I'm actually a bit jealous.) I got her this sheet music that she was really looking for, for her birthday, and she has yet to MASTER it but she can play it pretty well. She likes listening to hard rock, heavy metal, and other similar types of music. (If you were to look at her, you wouldn't peg her as a fan of such music, but she is. And it actually suits her really well, like, you could totally understand.) She loves Beauty and the Beast, which is her favorite Disney movie. (Her other favorite movies involve zombies, explosions, guns, and generally lots of... death. Mostly satirical type though. Think Zombieland. Or a little darker, TV appropriate Resident Evil.) And she is a HUGE fan of anime, including Vampire Knight, which is her absolute favorite, pretty much.

Being around her... Does interesting things. Besides making me smile and laugh without even trying. ;) She's characteristically slightly impatient, loud, bossy, unpredictable, and slightly mercurial. But, those are about as bad as it gets, and really, they aren't bad at all. They're part of her quirks, and to me, they're really endearing, because they make up who she is. She just wouldn't be herself without her need to be bossy. ;) Just a few days ago, we were working and it was storming really bad outside. She tried to force me to wear a jacket, and I point blank told her no and to put it back on, because I wasn't cold. (And she looked cold. Which just made me want to wrap my arms around her to keep her warm. There's the little chivalry thing for you.) So, to make sure I knew she wasn't gonna give in, she said she wasn't gonna wear it, and she set it down on the couch. Just a few seconds later, I see her wearing it, and still shivering just a bit. (I totally called that, by the way.) Her presence makes me want to be better. Makes all those little chivalric quirks I have just jump right out. A hand on the shoulder, a quick hug, a few words of encouragement; all brought on by how she makes me feel.On the way back to her house, she just laid down in the back seat with a few jackets, and fell right to sleep. I watched her sleep, (No, it isn't creepy. She's fallen asleep on me before.) and just thought, "I hope you're having a good nap, my dear. Sleep well. I'll make sure all stays well.."

You know, she puts up with me really well. I'm not an easy person to deal with. Stubborn, quiet, insistent, unwilling to eat her family's food or any food when there's work to be done. How I often push myself to my limit and beyond to make sure I can give her what she needs. (Seriously though. I'm there to work, not eat. And her time is precious, so I try to use as much of it as I can to help her out.) I can be really insensitive or a real jerk at times, and she puts me in my place. But, despite all of my inadequacies, she's still there for me. And I know I cause her to worry all the time, a quality of which I am deeply in her debt for. I have lots of good quirks too, like my constant use of Italian phrases, or the use of my dear. And she really does like those, it seems. (Plus. I like Italian. And there are some very nice phrases I love to use.) The part of me that always tells me to walk her out to her car and open doors for her. She's independent, and she lets me know that I don't have to do stuff for her. (Now, she does try to keep me from doing what I try to do often. Mostly to mess with me or because she feels that I don't have to. But, I've been doing it for a long time, and it's very hard to keep me from doing what is ingrained in my very being.) Many of the things I do sometimes irk her, or worry her, and I like that. (Not to worry her. But that she actually cares enough to order me to eat something or else. And she never tells me what "or else" means) But, she is important to me. More important to me than myself.

That's what my best friend is. More important to me than my life itself. And we often do things together, even with her having a boyfriend. I'm constantly helping her with art club, or helping her family with projects. (And I love it. And her family.) She and I are even working on a Kagura, which is a traditional Japanese dance. Now, I have no idea why she picked the most graceless person in the dojo to do this with her, but I am honored to do it. It's turning out really well so far, and I'm quite impressed. She's put a lot of thought and effort into this, and as always it's turning out spectacularly. She's really very graceful, and I am in awe of her ability to do it so well. It's amazing to watch, and I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

In fact... That's the basic message here. I wouldn't trade anything for her. She's the best thing I never knew I needed. I can't imagine life without her in it, because she's so prevalent in it. I talk with her every day, even if it's just to wish her good night. I feel so much for her, and I just never seem to have the right words to express it. In fact, I have some Italian phrases that can describe this well enough. :) These are in the personal tense, so they will translate to "You are" such and such. Sei sempre nel mio cuore. Per te faccio di tutto. Non voglio perderti. Hai conquistato il mio cuore. :)

And there you have it. :)
ZW