Tournament! And a Little Something Else...

Howdy there, Whiteout fans! It's been a while, but I figured a tournament would be a good enough reason to jump back on the blogging horse.

So. Yesterday there was a tournament held in Rigby. I, of course, only had one event, but all of our students who performed did a wonderful job. Of special mention was my best friend. She performed in four events, and got gold in almost all of them, cause she's amazing. I only performed in one event and judged the rest of them with a few of the other black belts. And, we also performed our kagura, which I mentioned earlier. It went really well. And if we'd managed to start on time (due to a teeny tiny music glitch), it would have been perfect. We did really well, and both of us got gold medals for our performance. We have a plan to improve it over the next three months or so for the tournament in August, but we'll probably only be able to do the first half of the wave for the tournament, due to time constraints. But, it went over really well, and I truly think that by the next tournament, it will be very well done. :) Overall, our students did a really good job. Two of the three grand prizes went to students from our dojo. (The other one went to a student previously from our dojo, so it didn't fall far from the tree.) As usual, I got free food, and candy for cheap, so I can't wait for the next tournament to stock back up. ;)

And now... to a slightly further removed subject.

It has come to my attention... That I do a lot for other people that they don't really think I should. I don't understand why, truly. You see, I have few things I do. One of which is something very easily taken for granted. Taken advantage of. And yet, I manage to do it anyway. Simply put, I have an unending love for other people. And certain people, I would bend over backwards for. One such person.. Yesterday, kind of gave me a lecture. She told me that I didn't need to do so much for her. To stop sacrificing myself for her.

This gave me pause. And a bit of frustration. Because, well... I don't know any other way to do things. This is how I am. When I have love for someone, especially this person, I will always, ALWAYS, do anything and everything I can for them. It's not because they aren't capable. Or that they're weak, or unable to do anything. It's because I CAN do things. Because I want to. I have a hard time watching the people close to me struggling. I have a hard time watching them make what I think might be mistakes. 

There's so much I could say on this subject. My opinion isn't always needed. Or wanted. And most of the time, it is ignored. Because I'm overprotective. But, with my version of love... I do everything I can do out of love. I have to do it, because I need to. She told me that I had no reason to stay up to make sure she got home safe. No reason, in fact, to even do anything for her at all! Even though, both of us knew she'd forever do the same for me! (Now, I don't know about you, but that logic isn't exactly sound, and I kinda chuckled at this.) This, of course, was unacceptable to me, but again, it got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who gives unconditionally. I want nothing from the other person, pretty much. I give out love and trust and help unconditionally. The only thing I could ever ask for, is this: That maybe, just maybe, that the person I give that to could take it and appreciate it. And, even less asked for, maybe they could even give it back in their own way. I don't care if they do or not. I don't care if the person I give myself to can do for themselves what I can do for them. I don't really care how capable you are, and I'll let you do certain things by yourself. I don't involve myself in everything, because people are people.

But, seriously. Even the most capable people can fall down. Even the strongest people need help. And, I always help. I'm always there if people need me. My best friend is one of the most capable girls I've known. She's strong, and kind, and amazing. But to me, she's someone who I get to have the privilege of helping when she needs it. (And this is to say nothing of her blatant disregard for my constant chivalry. ;) She can't do anything about it, and she knows it, but she always tries to do the stuff that I'm supposed to do. Like open doors, and carry bags, etc.) And she's never told me before that I shouldn't do things for her. It's not easy for me to do that.

I am the... opposite. Strong though I might be, I depend on other people. On doing things for other people. For stability. To keep myself... normal. Everything I do out of love, is also something I do simply because I have a need to do and show my love for the people in my life. I do it because I need to. It makes me happy. It gives me immense joy to help her, because I feel useful. I feel needed. And that's very hard for me to get sometimes. I feel like... When I do things for other people, I get the love that I need. If I don't, I feel like I haven't done anything to deserve what is given me. I'm hard to deal with, I know. I gotta have things a certain way. I do what I do, and I never compromise it for anyone, because I can't.

I haven't even begun to write the thousand-fold things that I really feel on this subject. But suffice it to say this: I won't change how I am. I can't. I can't help worrying, and helping, and always being there for her. I don't know what I'd do without her, to be honest, because I've come to depend on her in every way, shape, and form that I can. Sometimes, she asks me to do things that... I cannot. And some of those things, I attempt anyway, knowing that I've done what I can to try and convince her otherwise. And, I'll tell you, sometimes, it hurts me to know that she's doing something that could be a bad thing. I just... ache. So much. Because I love her so much, that... When she does something that I can see could be... less than good, I start to ache from the fact that I KNOW something is wrong. And now it's come to the point... Well, everything she does affects me in such a way that I feel what she does. I hurt when she hurts. I feel sad when she is sad. And I'm immensely happy when she is happy. I guess that's part of what is deep feeling for another person.

And there you have it, folks. Talk to you later, Whiteout lovers. Steer clear of avalanches.
ZW

The Day From Heck...

Is tomorrow. Today is "The Day Just Before Heck." Today, I woke up to a GINORMOUS crack in our fish tank, a raging headache, and a busy day full of things to do. And then the fish tank broke. As I sit here, covered in fish water, smelling like a fish tank, and my entire body aching, I just think of one thing: Tomorrow will be no better. An utterly hopeless prospect. But the only one I currently have.

I spent THREE HOURS today vacuuming two spots on the carpet downstairs. Which, of course, was wetter than the ocean. THREE HOURS!! And you wanna know how much good it did? NONE. Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Cero. Nein. So much for a useful day. Then, I went to campus, and traipsed about, and I was thwarted there too! I couldn't even get my BOOKS! Or my parking permit! The only good thing I managed to do, was get my exercise clothes! (Cause I'll be hitting the gym on my off time. Hello muscles! :) ) Anywho. So, then I came back home to more futile efforts.

On top of this, I start school on Monday. Which will be lovely. And tomorrow, we have yet MORE trees to plant, MORE fish tank stuff, AND preparations for the giant family party for the holidays! Which is why tomorrow is gonna be lovely.

In other news, I have had several emotional upheavals this week. And, unrelated to that... My friend who lives in Boise has contacted me several times, asking for a listening ear. Which, I happen to enjoy. I'm fond of giving people an ear and a shoulder. And, she really needed it. I'm sure that being kicked out and not having any foreseeable place to go is wonderful for the stress level. So, when she contacted me, she was suitably freaked out. And she needed someone to go to for help. And who am I to turn someone away? That's my bread and butter, man. One of the only reasons I have actual friends, is because I seem to be a rather good influence, and can manage to help people calm down, and give them the comfort they need.

This seems to be my purpose in life. Several times this week alone, it has become apparent to me, that I am a force for good in this world. People come to me with their problems, and somehow, they leave without them. Or, at the very least, with a sense that they can overcome them. Makes me wonder... What am I to do with this...? How can I better use this to help the people I care about? I seem to elude myself. I can't see in myself what everyone else sees in me. In reality, all I see in myself is a few small abilities, and the fact that I'm a jerk. A pain in the bottom, most times. I'm stubborn, sometimes rude and arrogant, honest to a fault, (The size of the San Andreas.), and a million other things. That I feel will make it hard for me in life. Not things that I can change, per se. Just things... As they are. Of course, people seem to see me completely differently. To some, I'm a saint. To others, a nice young gentleman. To even others, maybe an overachiever. To a few, a friend. To even fewer, a leader. And to a very VERY small amount of people, a best friend.

My problem, is this. I am an extremely emotional person. Not the crying type. Just that, I have requirements emotionally that must be met. And in this way, I am construed as needy. Which I suppose I am. More on this to come.

I'll cut this one short, folks. The next one's gonna be a doozy....

Stay safe, and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW