Sad...

I am. This time. Jeez, I never thought I would ever be like this. I guess this is what happens when I over think things. Or maybe I'm not. I'll leave that up to you.

First thing. My dear friend's birthday is Saturday. And I have a gift lined up for her that I think she will appreciate. :) But... Every time, she says she doesn't need anything. But, as any good guy best friend with an older sister knows, it's really saying that she wouldn't mind the gift as much as she says she would. I don't know if she's telling the truth and she really doesn't, or if she's just playing around with my mind. (I realize now that I really don't like mind games....)  But... Later... She asked me to tell her. And I said no. Repeatedly. Like a good guy should when surprises are needed. And she frowned at me. And told me she really really really really really really really badly wanted to know. And basically pulled on my heartstrings. And... That kind of hurt. Cause I don't like ruining the surprise. But, I can't deal with keeping things from her when she says that. Even though she apparently just means that she's just curious. Curse my emotions and tendency to overthink things.

I just... Want to give her what I believe she deserves. As much as I can, due to her having a great guy as a boyfriend. I trust him. But why should it feel so wrong, to give someone something, and keep it a secret from her. Is it that wrong to give her a gift? I don't understand. Then she says that she didn't get me anything, And I just chuckle at her. And realize she is grasping at straws... My birthday is after hers, and we weren't close enough to get each other gifts last year. So, I'm just like... Come on. A gift, is a gift. Your birthday comes only once a year, and I intend to give you a gift, so please don't force me to hurt even more by making me feel bad for keeping the one secret I have from you.

Another thing. What I say, I mean. I promise. If I tell you you're near perfect, I mean it. And the only reason you are near perfect, is because if you were perfect, you'd no longer be here. Why can't people accept that maybe, just maybe, there is someone that thinks they are beautiful, wonderful, kind, funny, loving, and naturally good at the things that they do? I may be prone to exaggeration at times, but it's in the word choice. Not the meaning behind it. I mean everything I say in the most honest way possible.

What makes me the most sad... Is that I feel like I let her down. Or offended her somehow. I feel like a total dirtbag, and I don't have a clue why. I just want her to be straight with me. And, 99% of the time, she is. When she isn't, sometimes I can tell. Other times, I have no idea. I don't know. I don't like feeling like I've done something, like interrupt. Or make her sad, angry, annoyed, etc. It makes me feel, and that isn't something that I used to do very often. Now, it seems, that I live to feel. And I need to be needed by other people, because their emotional health is important to me as well, which is why making her feel those things is detrimental to my own. I want her... To only have to feel loved. To have only good things happen, or at least, if bad things arise, that she will see that I'm there for her  to make everything go away. (Again, I ask if this is my place to want.)

If there's one thing I've learned from all those suspense novels I've read, it's that... You do strange things for the people you feel for. But mine is so... All-encompassing. I scare myself with how intense my need is to make everything alright. The other day, she was having a horrible day. Absolutely, positively, abhorrent. Bad enough to make her cry. And, then I started too. (Yes. The gift of weeping exists. And, sadly, I have it.) My greatest desire, especially at that point in time, was to just... Poof. Make it all go away. I've expressed this earlier, but it still plays a big part in my life. Then she goes and tells me not to cry for her. Really? You expect me, one of your best friends and the one most sensitive to people, not to cry when your world is falling apart around you? I think not, considering that I couldn't do what I wanted. You're out of luck there. I'm really bad about doing what is good for me. I always act in the interest of other people, and in this case, cry for them too.

I don't know, to be honest. I am how I am, and I make no apology. But... Throw me a bone here... I don't need anything other than straight up honesty, and a secure feeling that I have done everything I can to make the lives of those special to me as easy and painless as possible. If you, in good conscience can tell me that you are happy, and even that I helped it along. You cannot imagine how content that makes me. Sure, my life isn't perfect. And I've made my mistakes, and I may be needy and talk with you even when you are busy. And I may annoy you with my whining about random things that make no sense to you without prior explanation. But, trust me. When it comes to matters where emotions are high, and require some talking through, I'm good. Better than that. I live for it. But... I gotta have something from the other side too. Acknowledgement,  and a statement telling me that I made things better. Didn't confuse you, or make things worse. But, that I helped I whatever way I could to take even the smallest burden off of your shoulders. That's the bottom line.

Whew... Glad that's out... Steer clear of avalanches. Of any kind.
Zw

Important. (Part One)

This will be short. The part two involves a Zodiac sign thing.

This is the link to a particularly interesting blog that I found.

http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/competitive-advantage-chivalry-and-the-modern-man/

It's quite enlightening. :)

It Has Happened...

New record set for 2014! I have officially never wanted to cry this early in such a short period of time.

The sad part, of course, is that... Crying doesn't help, but I also can't solve the problem. And, I don't really have anyone or want to complain to anyone, so I'll just have to shed my tears and move on with it. (I'll just write it here instead.)Mayhap tomorrow will be a better day.

On the plus hand, I get to sleep in, cause church isn't until 11. But, that gives me more time.... To dream. And those, as of late, haven't been the most pleasant either I think. But, such is life.

Until next time, Whiteout fans. Stay safe and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW