Some days, I curse myself. I'm a very empathic person, I have to consider all emotions attached to something before I can make any type of decision. And, when I make certain decisions, I often can't fathom the outcome, and I end up feeling bad, for one reason or another. A few recent events have occurred that have made me feel this way, and I don't like it. (To the person who reads this: What I said still maintains it's effect. You don't have to apologize for telling me things. Or asking me to do things. You don't bother me at all. I look forward to these things. I do and feel things because I love you.)
First off, my best friend recently had... well, a bit of a scary thing happen to her. This has been midterms week for her, fraught with exams, reports, and Prom stuffs for Art Club. Needless to say, she was under great duress. When, of course, she is under such duress, she immediately forgoes certain things. Like eating. (As most people do when they're busy.) But for her, it's worse. Anywho. I was working at the courthouse the other day, working with AutoMarks (Giant 100 pound pains in the-- well, I'll keep it clean. My brother refers to them as such, but I tend not to repeat him.) and I get a few voice messages from her.
It seems that she was really stressed, and she asked me to take her home and if I could help her with a report she had due. This, normally, would have been fine and dandy, except that I was with my Mom AND we had 4-H that night. So, while I was talking with her, something strange happened. All the sudden, she started to have problems speaking. She would repeat herself a bunch of times, and I could tell things had taken a turn for the worse. I couldn't have made it in time, I noticed, because she called her mother, and she was taken to the doctor to see what was the matter. She knows what went wrong, and she's trying to avoid it now. But, at that moment in time... I couldn't control myself. Just hearing her speak made my heart stop. My breath shortened up, and my pulse started to race. Frantically, I tried to get my Mom to take me to where she was so that I could do something. Anything. My entire being wanted to be exactly where she was, so that I could be of some use to her. I just... Oh, I wanted to find her, and hold her, and tell her it was going to be okay. Take her back to her house, and lay her down on her bed, and sit there and wait. Wait until I knew she was okay. But, I couldn't. I spent the entire night wondering. Hoping that all was well. It got so bad that one of my Sensei's intervened. Told me a few things. Hard things and soft things. And it eased my conscience a little, but I still felt sick and sad.
A week ago, she was at a Stake Dance. Of course, I thought, she'd be fine, right? No worries at a Stake Dance. Well, it turned out she was forced by her Mom to go, but her boyfriend wasn't going to be there. So, she was alone. She messaged me asking me to come so that she wouldn't have to be alone, and other such things. Again, my situation depended on my mother, who again, shot me down. So, I waited. All night. To make sure she got home. Because, I couldn't go and comfort her as I wanted. And I dearly wanted to. I like dancing. And spending time with her. So, I felt bad, because I had one desire. She had one need. And I couldn't manage to fill it.
And then, today. Her ward was having a youth auction, auctioning off lots of items in the business of raising money for their youth trips. I was availed of this several days before, and was being encouraged to come, but I knew I wouldn't be able to, because my father was home that weekend. And whenever Dad is home, I go nowhere. (It comes down to a few things. Very important things. So I had to make a choice, and much to my chagrin, I made the wise one.) We had things we needed to do. It literally took us the entire day to put our basement back together, and I knew that was going to happen. So I told her I wouldn't be able to make it. (Not that it was horrible, you know, that I couldn't. They needed people to show up, is all.) I would have gladly came, just for her. So I felt bad once more, because I couldn't go. Then, she comes back and tells me that I "missed out". Now, I responded first with regret, and then with a little sarcasm. I immediately regretted it. She didn't know how I felt. So I shouldn't have responded as I had. If she had known that I felt bad about not being able to attend... About not having been able to support her and spend some time with her like I love to do... She might not have said it. But, I can't blame her.
Apparently, I've been doing a lot of letting down lately. And frankly, it hurts. Because I don't like having to do that. I ache so badly when I can't do something for someone. I mean, I'd jump off a cliff for people, if it did any good. For her, all my talents, time, experience, and love are at her disposal. So, to do such a thing as to repeatedly fail her doesn't sit well with me. Gah... I don't like it. I really don't. I spend sleepless nights thinking of this sometimes.
It also hasn't been too pleasant that one of my other best friends has been ignoring me, and yet she still hasn't told me why. And then, she goes and asks for my help late one night. I, of course, answer her back as quickly as I can, but... It hurt that she wouldn't talk to me, and then, when she needed me, she finally decided she would speak to me again. Like, "I'm ignoring you, but as soon as I need help, you're suddenly there." Seriously? Is that what it means? I mean, I know I'm overprotective and somewhat bossy, but instead of ignoring me, why not just tell me? I'm many things, but what I don't do is make excuses for myself. I acknowledge that I did something stupid, and I move on in the right direction. I needed to speak with her. Several times. I needed to tell her things. Things to get off my mind. I sent her a message every time. And normally, she's there. But, this time, she wasn't. She point-blank shut me down. And that stung, because never in my life have I done that to her. To anybody. Even when people ignore me, I'd still move the world for them. I feel... Many things. I want her to feel like I'm always there. Because I am. But, what happens when you ignore someone, and then, when you need them... They don't come back? I personally, hope to never do that to someone. And I have a very large amount of patience. But even I can take a hint. I'll fight tooth and nail to keep people in my life. But, if you don't want to talk with me, that's... Well, that's a real pity. Because part of me wants to keep you talking to me. Most of me. About 95%. But, that other 5%... Tells me that if you really don't want to speak with me... Then I'll let you do as you wish. Because that's how love works.
I guess, when you're like me, you get stuck holding the stick of emotional dynamite. Everything is all sunshine and roses until something happens. Then, I have to make a choice. Normally, I pick the choice that solves the other person's problems. Makes them happy. And in return, I become happy. And they feel like there is someone in their court. (I like to think of myself as a Gatsby type person. I try to be invariably prejudiced in favor of the people I associate myself with. The people I love.) But, when I can no longer do that, I feel like... Well, a failure. And I don't like that. Not one bit.
Have a good weekend, Whiteout fans.
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