The Mess I Made

My world is shattered. My parents aren't happy with me. My best friend... To save me from harm, she's basically planning on letting me go. I love her so much for that. But I also can't handle that. I'm crying over here. My eyes are flooding my face and bed with tears as I can do nothing but let them flow. Tears for what I may well never have again. We'll see each other sure, but, every time I see her... I'll just be filled with the same pain of losing her. It's wrong. So wrong. I've never ached like this before. I want her to stay. We can't be alone, but we can still talk..! I mean, let me have my little bit with you. Don't leave me... Please... Don't leave me... I couldn't handle it if you did... I cannot tell you what I would do....

I Feel...

Cold. Normally, I feel cold when I'm sick. But this is different. I'm not really ill. I'm not eating as much as usual. I just feel... Kind of alone. I'm home watching a movie, and all I feel is cold and alone. I wish I had someone here with me that wasn't related to me. Someone to give me their full attention, even if they aren't really here. (Though, that would be ideal.)

I don't know where it's coming from. Truly. I just know it's there, and I wish that I could solve it.

Have You Ever...?

Woken up from a dream and wished it was reality? It's very interesting. Interesting to try and remember and want something you can't have, but see it so vividly in your mind that you wish it was real. I had this dream once, and yesterday... It became as close to reality as I could make it.

You see, my best friend came home yesterday after being away for a week. And she wanted company, so I worked really hard, injured myself slightly, and then made my way to her house for some good old quality time with her. Four whole hours... :)  But anywho, after baking, and bandying words with her father, we went downstairs to watch a movie. After some debate, we picked Get Smart, and proceeded to fight with the DVD player and watch the movie.

Though I didn't see much of it. You see, my best friend, in her infinite playfulness, did many things while we sat next to each other on that couch. She gave me a wet willie, which incited an all out war. We wet willie'd each other on and off, between actually watching the movie. And she told me that she would lick my head and face. Which, of course, she did do. And she licked her hand and used it as a medium to once again, lick me by proxy. This, I returned, so we spent most of the movie trying to one-up each other. Eventually, I just let her win. And, to top it off, when we weren't in our war, she attempted to "suffocate" me with a pillow. Which was interesting.

But the interesting didn't stop there. After she'd settled down, she got really close to me. And then, she looped her arm under mine, and laid her head on my chest. (She told me I had a really loud heartbeat.) She shifted a few times throught the rest of the movie, sometimes her head was on my shoulder. Sometimes she would shift just so much that she would get even closer to me. I was waiting for her to fall asleep on me, actually, but she didn't as tired as she was. And eventually I had to leave, so we walked out to my car, and we hugged. And then played a little game, cause she told me I couldn't move her. So I pulled her into me, and then gently moved her back out against the car, and then pulled her in again. Then we hugged again, and pulled back a bit so that I could look at her adorable little face again, and then she told me I needed to leave so I could get my sister. I left with a heavy heart.

You see, I really enjoyed that. The hugs, the one-on-one attention, the snuggling. I was... Content. We had fun with each other, poking, teasing, playing around. I liked that. A lot. She's really fun, and I love that. I wouldn't have needed the snuggling to have a good time, but I really enjoyed that. It was physical, just like she likes. But for me, it was nice having her close to me. I liked feeling her closeness. I like how we looked into each other's eyes, and smiling at her. Even if she didn't know what I was doing when I closed my eyes and smiled. At that moment, I was entirely and totally content. The happiest man on earth. Even if it was only fleeting, words cannot truly describe my feeling. Simply that, we were enjoying each other's company, and that I could show her how much I love her was enough. :)

And that was enough for me. I had gotten what I wanted. Which was quality time with my friend who I so dearly missed. And she got the company she wanted. All in all, I had a wonderful time. :) As, I hope, she did too. :)

ZW

Poem? Sorta kinda?

I'm not gifted in prose. But I do try. Here you go.

For you know who. (You know who you are.) Fondest wishes. May you forever shine brightly and be an example to everyone you meet and uplift them as you have me.


Effervescence

You are radiant.
My knees knock.
My heart races.
I can't stand to look.

You make me
Nervous. Shake. Stutter.
My normal calm
Is but a pitiful facade.

For in truth,
You're effervescent.

You shine brightly.
All I see
Is your radiance
You're so full of energy.

You're so beautiful.
Stars can't touch
Nor any human
Ever come to such perfection.

Who can equal you?
Your effervescence.

Your true compassion
Overwhelms my senses
Your newfound confidence
Can only make me worse

In your presence
I only feel
Happy and safe
But, also a bit insignificant.

I pale next to
Your effervescence.

For, when faced
With such perfection
What to do?
The answer is quite simple

Revel in it.
Enjoy it fully.
Love it completely.
After all, truly you are

Effervescent.

ZW

Homesick...

I haven't left, of course. And no, she isn't homesick, or not that that know of. But...

I was thinking.

About where home was. I live here, where I reside. But, I don't consider it my real home in terms of where I came from. Where I go back to in my mind. Where I feel most comfortable.

In my case, it's St. Helens. That's the place where I was born. A place where I have only good memories. My mother's family lives there. It's a lovely place, where it rains almost all the time. The smell is like none other. It always smells like the rain. Cool, crisp, and clean. I'm fond of it. It's very small for a town. And really local based. (It's also the place where they filmed the Halloween Town movies. Which is pretty sweet. :) )

My memories of that place are simple. Just... Family and food and fun. Good times spent with my Grandmother, who is forever and always the most wonderful person who is related to me. I love her. And the rest of the family over there. They make me happy. They're simple people, not like the other side of the family. They're just very... Laid back. Very funny people though. Where I get my sense of humor.

But, there's more than just nostalgia. There's... Something else. You see, I think that with all those memories... There comes a time when some memories must be made. And not just remembered. And so... That also crosses my mind.

In my mind, I see me and someone very special to me. I envision myself and my significant other... There. I can imagine it so vividly. I can smell the rain. Feel her hand slip into mine as we walk down Main Street and on the river line. Getting ice cream at the local place. Going to Powells in Portland. All the places I enjoy, just with her. Reveling in her presence, and holding her close to me. And, of course, taking her to meet my family. I don't know why, but that idea just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I think sometimes on that subject. Of taking this person to meet my family. Even if she gets nervous around everyone but me. I think of holding her while we go and do the things that I want to do with her. All those things I know, but want to show her.

I want to show her what... What makes me tick. What makes me... Well, me. All the things that are important to me, I want her to see. Give her a vision. And I want to do the same thing with her. I've seen much of her life. I know a lot of things. But I've never had her take me somewhere and point things out like I want to do.

I don't know. Maybe that's just me. I'm not the only person who feels this, sure. But, it's like.... I wish I could. It would fulfill so much of a hope and dream.

So yeah. There you go fans.
ZW

Mi Manchi Come L'aria Che Respiro...

Mi mancharai...

If you only knew...
What am I gonna do when you leave..? I didn't think that I would be this attached. And you probably are going to want nothing to do with me.  Because I'm so... Attached. Most people just think I'm ridiculously clingy. And they get annoyed so easily at me. I just.... I wish I could be with you. Wherever you go. Whenever. I want to be the person that you talk to all the time. The person who you say "I love you" to. And mean it. I wish I could be close to you. All the time. I wish that, for once in my life, perhaps I could have the one thing that I want.

When you go, you'll be busy, and you won't have much time for me. I'll be alone, wishing you were here. I'll feel like an Owl City song... I'll have to go to someone else to tell them my problems. To express to them the apparently undying feeling in my heart. It's either that or I keep it in. And by doin that, I will explode. I cannot hold in all of what crosses my mind every minute I spend thinking of you.

I wish that I was able to keep you as close to me as I wanted to. When you and I embrace... I wish that I could stay there in your arms forever.  You make me so happy. When you're around, I just... I cannot explain how suffused with joy I am in your presence. When you lean on me, or lay your head on me, and you complain, I nearly burst with joy. When I see you, my knees start to buckle. I look at you, and my face makes this big smile, and I even get a little nervous... Nobody else makes me do that. I like how we can talk about almost any subject and it's not awkward. It's just normal.

And when you walk away, a piece of me goes with you. And I don't know why. It never fails. I just go back to my house in silence, waiting for the next time I can see your wonderful, sunny, bubbly visage in my life again. Waiting for the next time I can talk with you, so I can hear your voice again.

You do this to me again. And again. Every time. And I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. Because you matter so much to me.

ZW

The Subject of Dancing!

So, I'm taking this dance class this semester in school. And I've found a rather interesting hobby in this class of mine.

Seriously. I don't know how I missed this for 18 years. I got into martial arts, and that takes up a lot of time. And it's the exact opposite of dance. It's quite strange. But, I never though I'd enjoy it as much as I do.

And there's several reasons for that. First and foremost, women really are fond of guys who dance. Don't let them fool you with words or excuses, every girl loves a guy who can dance, especially when they want to. And there's so many things one can do with that skill! I mean, girls love a nice penguin shuffle and it's easy to do. But, if you want class, the best slow dance to do is a waltz. Waltzes are wonderful things. They have a pretty slow count, but they're so graceful! And romantic. They're nice and closed, so you're very close to your partner. But, it's so very interesting because it's just so... Graceful to watch. And to perform too. :)

And on the opposite end of the spectrum is the Tango. Tango is the other most romantic dance, but for a different reason. Where Waltz is slow and graceful, the Tango is passionate and fast. Very full of close contact and just rather exhilarating to perform. It's awesome. Now, I'm not too familiar with the Tango, but I do know a good amount of a chacha. Which is also pretty quick and close. I like chacha because it is fairly basic and easy to deal with. Most of the moves are pretty basic. Similar to each other. Basically like one giant chain move, all looking awesome, of course. :)

It's hard sometimes though. The timing, the movements, having to work with another person. Communicating with them without actually saying a word. It's an active process. Definitely not passive. It takes a lot of work sometimes. But it's worth every bit of work you put in it. And I'll tell you why.

Here's another reason. I like dancing with pretty women. Just like girls like dancing with good looking guys. There's nothing like dancing, I think. People, I think, like being close to other people. There's just something with being hand in hand with another person. And looking into their beautiful eyes, and seeing the joy contained within. The feeling of moving together, as basically one person, across a dance floor, in a sea of other people... But really only seeing that one person that you're with. The feeling of tension and non-verbally communicating a movement... That is a feeling like none other.

It's almost indescribable. Dancing is amazing. And I look forward to continuing it next semester.
ZW

Tell Me Something....

What does the phrase, "friend" mean to you? Seriously. I mean, what does it even mean to people anymore? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned or something, but being friends used to mean something. Best friends meant even more.

But really? I forgot someone's birthday. Until about the last hour of the day. So I wished her happy birthday! But it wasn't the same. She said it was, quote, "fine" cause her family forgot too. But it isn't. I take things seriously. Forgetting things like that is not preferably my cup of tea. It's all bitter. And, when I say it's not okay, it's not okay. Certain things shouldn't be done. You shouldn't have to be alone on your birthday. And I certainly shouldn't be allowed to do that because no one deserves that.

Oh! It makes me angry. Mostly at myself. Because I forgot something important. And yet, my honor is insulted by this excuse. It's not right. Not fair.

Is it wrong? Am I wrong? Should I be acting like this over such a trivial matter? It's not trivial to me. But it seems to be like that for her. For whatever reason. I'm a stickler for things. When you're close to me, I won't forget things like that. Your problems are my problems. If you're scared, I'll be there for you. If you're sad, I'll be there to listen and comfort you. If you ache, I'd take care of you. You are not an obligation. You are a privilege. And, oft times, I'm not totally perfect. But I try to take care of whatever must needs be done... Is that wrong?

I won't be stopping. I will continue to do what I do. And that means that I will take responsibility for my actions, and also my lack of action. Despite what you may think should be the case. It's not up for debate. It simply is.

ZW