Sadness...

Story time, my readers.

So, my best friend had to bury her dog yesterday. Her own best friend. Her little puppy who was not puppy aged, sadly. He was a well lived and well loved dog. And she called me yesterday, crying. Three whole times. And each time I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest because of the compassion. And I felt like my heart was going to break from the sadness I felt for her. I just sat in my car and I listened to my sad music, and wished that I could have been there for her. Instead I just drove. Did my stuff and drove. And thought.

I wish I could have held her. Made her feel loved. And that she had someone in her corner. So that she could have someone to cry on. To comfort her. And that is a wish I have every time something happens that makes her feel so... Downright sad...

Today, she watched Frankenweenie to commemorate the occasion. And I attended. But... I did so clandestine. And without permission, breaking my rule my parents gave me. She didn't know, of course. And I attended cause I knew how much importance it held to her. I got there partway through the movie. And she was sitting with the other guy. (Which, has it's own small importance. But is mostly just a detail.) And we watched the movie. And then messed around until I had to go. Then, her boyfriend came over. Which I have a feeling she enjoyed most thoroughly as is her right and privilege. Then I saw something I didn't need to see, and I asked her to change something so that I didn't have to flirt with trouble. But... I knew very well... The consequences of this if and when she found out why.

I'm pretty sure she can't trust me anymore. I've made her doubt me. I spent so long... And now, because I wanted to follow my heart and be there for her, things... Special things.. Have been put into shadow and debate and... Well. Other such things. She'll not see me in the same light anymore. She's got her boyfriend. And the other guy left but came back with cake. And what did I do? Something tantamount to a lie. I wish that it didn't have to be this way. That I didn't have to move around my rules to do what I feel is correct. I feel... Like I've done something stupid. So irrevocably dumb... And that, even if she didn't say it aloud, I know it hurt her. Because she cares about me.

I don't know why. I guess my mother was right.... I am... Well, I won't dwell on that. It does not do to dwell on such a thing, true or not.  Suffice it to say that... The end justified the means in my book. But those means were not perfect. I do not regret what I did... Only that I hurt her when my intention was the opposite.

I'm sorry. I hope you know that...