Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night.... Though, you'd have strange dreams too, if yours were as vivid as mine can be.

I was at my best friend's house. And... We were just... There.We switched off cleaning the house and teasing each other. She kept telling me she could squish me. And refusing to move so I could sit next to her. I helped her do the dishes, and helped her mop the floor. Even got a few cuts somewhere along the way. She's so stubborn. She was sick to her stomach, and still made lunch and cleaned up after it. And, when I got cut... She bandaged me up.

After the house was all cleaned up, we sat down on her couch. And we started to talk. She and I made a little bet, and she even challenged me... Told me I wouldn't kiss her. (Told you I had strange dreams.) And we got real close... And then... I leaned in. She leaned in. And then... I kissed her.

I don't know. But it felt nice. Like I belonged there. We just sat there, reveling in the other person. And then someone knocked at the door. And we broke it up really quickly to answer the door. After that, we made some jello. And just... Stood there with each other. I don't know what happened. Things changed. She was a little flighty. And she sounded pretty shook up. She stuttered a bit. And acted really giddy. I did too.

I'll tell you this. I had no idea... That it would feel like that. I woke up and felt a sense of... Longing. And contentment. I felt like I didn't know if it was real or not, cause it was so surreal. It made me happy. I can remember how it felt. I wish it could happen again. And it occupies my mind, even now. I was shaking so badly... I could barely stand. I'm here, wishing it could happen...

I'm floored. Truly. Starstruck.

Poem?

Father, Help Her

Father, help her.

She needs you, and though
I would stand ready
I cannot do it
For my power alone is-
Not enough.

Insufficient is my ability
Unable am I to
Give her comfort like...
You are capable of.
She hurts.

And though I do try
With words, wishes, gestures
My efforts are feeble
And utterly, completely genuine
They pale.

Father help her.
Your strength, your efforts-
More successful than mine
Are the only things that-
Can heal.

Her wanting heart, mind, soul.
Bring her heart happiness
Give mind and soul peace.
Give answer to her prayers.
Give healing.

Father... Help her.

Sadness...

Story time, my readers.

So, my best friend had to bury her dog yesterday. Her own best friend. Her little puppy who was not puppy aged, sadly. He was a well lived and well loved dog. And she called me yesterday, crying. Three whole times. And each time I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest because of the compassion. And I felt like my heart was going to break from the sadness I felt for her. I just sat in my car and I listened to my sad music, and wished that I could have been there for her. Instead I just drove. Did my stuff and drove. And thought.

I wish I could have held her. Made her feel loved. And that she had someone in her corner. So that she could have someone to cry on. To comfort her. And that is a wish I have every time something happens that makes her feel so... Downright sad...

Today, she watched Frankenweenie to commemorate the occasion. And I attended. But... I did so clandestine. And without permission, breaking my rule my parents gave me. She didn't know, of course. And I attended cause I knew how much importance it held to her. I got there partway through the movie. And she was sitting with the other guy. (Which, has it's own small importance. But is mostly just a detail.) And we watched the movie. And then messed around until I had to go. Then, her boyfriend came over. Which I have a feeling she enjoyed most thoroughly as is her right and privilege. Then I saw something I didn't need to see, and I asked her to change something so that I didn't have to flirt with trouble. But... I knew very well... The consequences of this if and when she found out why.

I'm pretty sure she can't trust me anymore. I've made her doubt me. I spent so long... And now, because I wanted to follow my heart and be there for her, things... Special things.. Have been put into shadow and debate and... Well. Other such things. She'll not see me in the same light anymore. She's got her boyfriend. And the other guy left but came back with cake. And what did I do? Something tantamount to a lie. I wish that it didn't have to be this way. That I didn't have to move around my rules to do what I feel is correct. I feel... Like I've done something stupid. So irrevocably dumb... And that, even if she didn't say it aloud, I know it hurt her. Because she cares about me.

I don't know why. I guess my mother was right.... I am... Well, I won't dwell on that. It does not do to dwell on such a thing, true or not.  Suffice it to say that... The end justified the means in my book. But those means were not perfect. I do not regret what I did... Only that I hurt her when my intention was the opposite.

I'm sorry. I hope you know that...

Gratitude

I have reason to be grateful today. I have been given a large and undeniable reason to be grateful. One I cannot refute nor trivialize.

And that is my best friend and her family. I've already expounded to you my thoughts and feelings about my best friend. And the myriad many good and amazing things she is. But, she and her family have surprised me once more.

Due to an event that recently occurred, my parents have told me I needed to move out. Nicely, for the most part. When I leave, I will hold no ill will against them. But it seems like everything I do sets them off. My Mom told me I was awful with my responsibilities. And pretty much everything else. Which... Well, it hurt. And I felt like I was worthless. But, my best friend, bless her soul, was there to tell me.... Well, all the good things about me. And, even though I don't completely agree with her, I think that she's right. So, that's the first thing I have gratitude for. I have an immense amount of gratitude for her. I'm happy and grateful for her presence in my life, and I am privileged to have someone so wonderful so close to me. :)

But it didn't stop there. Out of what seems to be her feelings for me and my closeness to her and her family... They even went so far as to invite me to live with them. This, of course, was truly surprising. I was taken aback at this offer. She says, of course, that her family wouldn't mind at all. And that I wouldn't be a burden, even though I know well what happens when another person is added to a group of people. I'm a young man. I eat a lot, take long showers, etc. I'm quite a list of things that are problematic. But they offered to house me for as long as I needed, even an entire semester! I just... I cannot fathom why... Even if it's explained to me. I am somewhat thick when incredulous. And I'm grateful for that as well. It amazes me that they would do that for one person such as I. But I am grateful. So much. Even if I don't take them up on their offer.

I just... I thank God in Heaven that I have the privilege of having someone so close to me, and an entire family who is willing to take me in when I need a place to go. So thank you. Those who I talk about, I thank you, from the deepest part of my tiny heart. And I wish that I could make it up to you somehow. In any way I could. You have my deepest love and greatest appreciation.

Thought For The Day

I hate goodbyes... :(

That is all.

Relationships...

I can't say I have much relationship experience. At least, not in the category of boyfriend/girlfriend. I have lots of experience being the person people go to. (I'm that one friend who gives great relationship advice, but is always single.) I have lots of experience in being awkward and being single. And I'll get to that in a bit. But... I have the most experience, interpersonally, it seems, with being people's closest friends.

I have only few people who I could consider part of this category, but with those few people, I can say I've gotten about as much experience as one can from being so close. I've been on the Recieving end of many bombshells. I've had people tell me so many secrets and things they'd not tell any other human being.  There's a... Element of... Love that associated with what I do. Every time someone tells me something in confidence. Something personal, or like what I've described, it... It makes me feel so close to them. It makes me feel like they trust me. And I hope that they feel like they can trust me too. And then, they get so close... I can tell anything and everything. I can tell their emotional states, every little thing. I know what sets them off, what makes them happy, what they desire and want out of life.  I know all their disappointments. Flaws. Edges.

And, in the end. It never changes my perception. It find this to be truly stunning. No matter what horrible things I hear.. In the end, I still don't hold it against them. All I feel... Is this overwhelming sense of compassion. I am invariably prejudiced in their favor. And I cannot really explain it to the people. I don't have the words to tell them... To make them understand. So I just leave it alone. Because... I hope they truly know. Even though my words cannot convince them.

I just... The emotions are what really matter. Doesn't matter what you do. The action is so not a problem for me. It's the fact that you and I both feel something. And that I can actually feel what it is you feel. So much so... That I can't help but feel it rather... Poignantly.

And now... The even MORE personal part. I am awkward and single. The few relationships I have or have had... Have all ended in sadness. Mostly because I am awkward and I say things I don't mean. I take great care to keep myself from insulting someone, or insinuating anything. Not that it does me any good. Cause I'm awkward. I end up saying things that... Even if they don't make them feel bad, they make me feel bad. I feel... Like even though I do so much good for people... I still end up hurting them unintentionally. I had a dream last night... Where my best friend and I were talking, and she told me... That I had made her cry because I'd said something. And I woke up, and I just... I couldn't stop...

That's how it is. I take so much care of other people... That I can't help but lose a bit of myself in doing just that. People I make so happy... I also make so sad...

I don't know. I can't truly pinpoint what it is I really mean. Like, I'm scratching the surface, but it's not enough. But that's occupied my thoughts recently.

An Apology.

So... I recently got into a situation where a bit of a problem was made manifest, and though it wasn't required, I wrote this apology to the member of the third party who was indirectly involved.

Let me tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago... I love her. I love her more than life itself. I would move the world for her. I would give up my life for her. I love her so much. And I have for a very long time. You know... How some people you wouldn't think you'd get close to, but after a short period of time, you start to see that they've become part of your life? I would never have imagined that she and I would be so close. But, we got close. So close. And then, while we were both focused on the past, she suddenly moved on. She chose you, because she didn't know... How I felt. And that was my fault. Just call me Gatsby...

I'll tell you this. I never ever would attempt to take her away from you. You make her happy. And my feelings for her make me want only one thing for her. I want her to be happy. So happy. And that means... That I let her be with you. Heck, I pushed her to be with you. My opinion might not have mattered too much, but I told her to go for it. Because with you, she gets to be so happy. And that's all I ever wanted.

Now. I do not excuse myself. What happened between her and I was not correct. Not something I was searching for openly, but not something I was adverse to either. I wanted to kiss her because that's a desire that I'd had for some time. But I KNOW that despite my feelings, I would not have done so. Because it's not my place. What happened, even though nothing really did, is not right. And for that, I am very truly sorry. It was not my intention.  

I am to blame here. I misread a few things, and started to act on a feeling. One I'd tried to bury. To change, even. I've been moving on, and finding someone else, and we've been working on what goes on between us. This incident is the first and last time anything like that has or will happen.  She did nothing wrong. It was me, and only me. And for that... You cannot imagine how sorry I am.  I realize asking for forgiveness is hard, but I ask that you forgive me and not hold it against her.  

Now. I don't know I'd he'll ever read this. And I hope he doesn't have to unless he needs one. But this is important. And that's why it's here. 

An Evening To Remember.

I'm sure, anyways.

So, my semester is nearly over. And for my dance class, we have two more things we have to do even though we've done all our dances. We have a formal and a competition.

I'm okay with the formal idea. I like it. I just have to dance at least five times and stay for an hour and a half. It'll be great. Apparently I dance a good Rumba and quite an attractive looking Waltz too. :)

But I worry about the competition... I have to dance both Waltz and Chacha. And I'm being judged on each. I don't know if I'll be called back, or if I'll flop miserably and get kicked out on the first round. I have two different partners, one of which asked me instead of me asking her, which is not normal. I have no idea why it happened, but it did. Anywho, so yeah.

Both of those will be most interesting, I think. I got a new suit and got it altered so that it fits me wonderfully. So it'll be nice to see how it turns out. :)


Anywho. Short, sweet, and to the point tonight. ;) No problems. :)

On Fairy Tales...

At the request of a reader:

I think that everyone, even some guys, have wanted some sort of... "Fairy Tale". Though we prefer them to be called... "Perfection." Or something of the like.

Fairy tales are special things. They've always been interesting. They have this... Very relatable and almost ethereal feel to them. :) It's just kind of... Awkward to write about if you're a guy.

But let me tell you something. There's something to them after all. The thought of spending time with someone you love, even if you feel it was love at first sight, is... Unfathomable. True love's kiss is only as far away as a dream. (And you know that, cause you walked with them once upon one.)

Seriously though. Without the Disney/Dreamworks puns. Everyone has their fairy tale. For some, it's the admittance of love from a person who they dream of. For others, it's being held by the one that they currently have. For me... Well, I'll save that for another time. :) Suffice it to say... We all have our vision of perfection. Our significant other, regardless of social standing. (Though it would be nice if they were royal.)

It's just... Immensely fulfilling to have such a dream. To wish for something with all your heart, and hope, that maybe it can come true. They give us something to hope for. Something to strive towards. (It's a wish your heart makes.) A prince/Princess is only an action away, once you find that person, and you realize what they could be.  I know someone... Who wishes for a fairy tale all the time. She has a significant other who, sadly, isn't as available to be with her as he once was. Her fairy tale is simply to be held by him. (You know what they say. If not, I have a picture for you.)

I don't know for certain, but everyone has those moments where they want something so bad... They wish, and they dream. Well, I'll tell you this, while mine hasn't come true yet, I'll leave it like that if it means the rest of you get yours, eh? :) You deserve a happily ever after, so go out and chase it! And don't stop until you've got it. :)

Truthfully yours,
ZW

Night

I've decided I love sleep. It's one of my favorite things. Nothing to do, no one to bother you. Just me and good old fashioned resting. No worries, no problems. Would be best if I fell asleep with a significant other around, perhaps both of us falling asleep on each other, but you know. Beggars can't be choosers.

But... Lately, I've found that my rest has been... Interrupted. Or otherwise.... Different. Sometimes I've cried myself to sleep, on account of something that has happened. Things that have affected me so much, or things I've thought of. Or even things that I wish I could have but never really can. Then I wake up, and I can't remember why. Just that... I had cried myself to sleep. I guess that's one way to go to bed at night.

Another is I read/talk myself to sleep. If my best friend is busy or she's already passed out, I read a novel or two and I go to sleep quite nicely. They give me good dreams and I always wake up feeling refreshed. Or, I talk with her until she falls asleep and then I go to bed. Sometimes I just pass out and she's left wondering why I haven't responded. I like this way. Less sad. More enjoyable. (Plus. It never fails to be interesting late at night when we talk. ;) )

At night, most often though... I'm alone with my thoughts. Just me myself and I. And those get pretty varied at night. Mostly, I think of what makes me happy. Scenarios run through my mind, and I'm left wishing that perhaps, just once, I could fulfill those. In order to fall asleep, I think of a scenario with a certain someone who could, in my opinion, make me feel... Content. And, as I become content, I fall asleep. This method works really well on long car rides. Or places that are uncomfortable to sleep in. But I always go to one of a few things when I sleep. (No, I'm not gonna mention them here, silly readers.) It's a patented method. ;) If you gotta sleep, think. :)

And when I do sleep... I never remember what I dream about. Or rather, very rarely. Only certain parts. Very vivid parts. But, my dreams are always very... Realistic. Never horribly fantastic or out of some sort of crazy ville. But very... Normal. I tend to see... Possibilities. And things that could actually be part of the future. Closely related to déjà vu. In the morning, I wake up, and it's like nothing ever happened, and I wish I could go back to sleep to continue living what was a wonderful dream.

Today is a, just get it over with and sleep day, I think. Hence the subject. I can't wait until I have to go to bed and I can just relax without problems to worry me.

Novels

It may surprise you readers, but I am actually an ameture novelist in my spare time, amongst my many other occupations. (Yes, I know. A man of many talents.) But, not to toot my own horn or anything, I seem to have a bit of a knack for the written word. Speaking is not one of my strong suits, what with my awkwardness and stuttering. But writing things shows my true ability. Strength. Knowledge. Whatever you may call it. When writing, I feel powerful. More confident, sometimes, because I can put down whatever I feel. Feeling is a very powerful thing. And only I have to see it, only I get to read it. Or, in the case of a novel, I create what I feel like is another entire world for people. For people to see what the world is like through my eyes, as vivid or as dull as that might seem. A place for people to go and then experience something totally new, perhaps, or even redefine that which is old.

Writing is like martial arts. There's this guideline that we follow. And the rest... Well, it lies up to the interpretation of the practitioner. Some people write horror stories. Some people, fictions of post-Apocalyptic places. Some, or far away lands or experiences back in the olden times, or even just of their own. I am none of those things. Simply put, I write... Well, romance-like novels. All the things I can feel, or even think of feeling. Those things can be transformed into something written. I can finally express the deepest most potent feelings I have, in a form where people can see. Even if they have no idea. Writing isn't always clear. I'm horrible with clarity sometimes, as I like things kept as  vague as possible on occasion. Something about writing things like that gives the reader a freedom. One that captivates them, but also makes them feel... Empowered.

That's what writing is. It's feeling! Once you understand what writing is, you open yourself up to a whole new place in yourself. A place you never thought you had inside of you. I... Was not an emotional person. I relied upon my own mind and body to tell me what to do. Empirical evidence to tell me what to think. What to know. Then... Something changed. Someone changed me. I started to realize what actual feeling was. And then... I started to think. And feel. I started to understand what exactly was going on. I started, essentially, to see what it was like.

And I have changed immeasurably since then. Feeling is a strange thing. More malleable than logic. More firey or passionate than any debate. It burns inside, and everything starts to make it grow. And with that growth... I started to write that which I was most comfortable with. The story... Of a boy who likes a girl. Set in a very realistic setting, it tells the tale of a teenage black belt. Who, basically, is in love with his best friend. (It has few parallels to myself. I don't like to talk about myself, even by proxy.) And, his journey to convince her of his feelings, and maybe, just maybe, find out if she likes him back.

Yes... I know. It's cliche. Typical. Boring. But it's not. It's like.. My life's work, so to speak. I put heart and soul into it, because it contains many of my feelings. By proxy, of course. It is a piece of me, like a prized possession, or a good friend. I know, it sounds strange, and you probably think I'm weird. But hey, we can't all be normal. Then life would be boring. ;)

Am I..?

Too nice? Do I let people walk all over me? I'd lay my life down for another human being. Certain of them more than others. Do I just do things to make other people happy? I'd rather err on the side of mercy than justice, but still.

Is there such a thing as too nice? Perhaps... Perhaps I should be less nice. Less accommodating. More... Standoffish. Perhaps girls really do like jerks. And I thought I was a jerk. But it seems that I'm quite the opposite. So much so, that people take advantage of me. I am more like... This cuddly little teddy bear that people use when they need me and then they put it aside... Like I'm just to be used and then put away in cold storage until the next time I'm needed.  Do I need to... Be less nice? I have few redeemable qualities, and my unconditional kindness is one of the best things I have going for me. But... Perhaps I take it too far. 

Now, to be fair... The few people I truly associate with very rarely ever do this to me. But, it's a pattern that I have found. One that I can't seem to shake. It... It kinda hurts. Because I  only have the best interests of other people at heart. In the end, other people deserve happiness. Not always myself. But, I get happiness from making other people happy. I'm dependent on that, sadly. But it happens often. I do so much to keep other people happy. It's my goal in life. I should never be the reason someone is unhappy, and if I am not, my job is to keep them or make them that way. 

But... I feel like I'm just kind of used sometimes. Not that I mind most times. But when I'm broken down and I need someone to perform that same function, I get people who have sympathy. Lots of sympathy. But, it's not the same... I often get people who just... Well, instead of asking me how I feel, and really listening, I get people who tell me what to do. And, as much as I appreciate it, it's like... "You don't really understand, do you? I really just want a hug and someone to tell me they love me and that they are sorry." Is that so wrong? 

Again, certain people in my life don't do that. They understand. They know how I work, what I want. Even if they don't think they do. And that's good. For the most part.