Mission

So...

I have found that in order to have what I want most in life... The one person, I should clarify, that I could ever want in life. And the one person in this life who wants me back. And loves me immensely... I have to go and serve a mission.

I am a bit disgruntled at the fact. I don't want any accolades. No recognition. I don't want people to say "I told you so." Or pretty much anything that signifies I'm going because I have no choice. I don't really follow other people. I don't do things because I want people to notice. Or anything like that. I'm going so that the people who need me, can have me. For God. And, I think, second to most important, for her. I really was hoping to avoid it. But, I'm not able to, because if I am to get what I love, for eternity no less, I have to go. So it's kind of like blackmail, but not. It's really not, but more of an ultimatum. Either I leave for two years, and when I come back, I get married to the love of my life... Or I don't, and I lose her forever. It's not looking like I'm gonna have to make much of a choice here... Pretty straight forward.

She said she'd wait for me. (Even said that when I got back, she'd be waiting in a white dress nonetheless.) And, that took a lot of worry off my shoulders. I wanted some sort of security... To know that when I came back, that she'd be there. It'll be hard to leave anyways, because I just want to stay... With the people who love me. But I have to go, and in return I can have someone who wants me too.

She wants a life with me. Broken, quirky, lazy, weird, and strange as I am. She wants a life with me. Desperately. And I want a life with her, just as much. It would make me truly happy. I wish I knew how much she really wanted to spend eternity with me. And why...  And, How she'll be when I'm gone. I don't really worry if she's going to stay true. Because I hope she does. But that doesn't mean much so early before it has to be tested. I have only very few doubts. Lots of questions, but few doubts. And not because of her. But, I mean... What if some other guy decides he wants her to be his, while I'm away? And he woos her in my place? What do I do? How do I know? What if she goes on her mission while I'm away...? And isn't waiting at the airport for me, but I'm left waiting instead..? What happens if, after a while, she finds that she doesn't love me anymore...?

Now. I know that many of those are trivial, and when she finds out, she's gonna lecture me, or feel like I doubt her. I don't want that. I truly feel like she'll be able to avoid all those things. But... I still feel like I just... Need some solidity. Assurance. That, even though I'm gone.. She'll be there when I get back. Waiting for me to give her a huge hug, and the biggest, warmest, longest kiss and embrace of her entire life. And I'll be waiting for two years just to give those to her.

I love her... So much. If it means that we get what we want, I will go. Despite my doubts, and my thoughts, and my intense wants and needs... I'll do it. Maybe even happily.