Relationships...

I can't say I have much relationship experience. At least, not in the category of boyfriend/girlfriend. I have lots of experience being the person people go to. (I'm that one friend who gives great relationship advice, but is always single.) I have lots of experience in being awkward and being single. And I'll get to that in a bit. But... I have the most experience, interpersonally, it seems, with being people's closest friends.

I have only few people who I could consider part of this category, but with those few people, I can say I've gotten about as much experience as one can from being so close. I've been on the Recieving end of many bombshells. I've had people tell me so many secrets and things they'd not tell any other human being.  There's a... Element of... Love that associated with what I do. Every time someone tells me something in confidence. Something personal, or like what I've described, it... It makes me feel so close to them. It makes me feel like they trust me. And I hope that they feel like they can trust me too. And then, they get so close... I can tell anything and everything. I can tell their emotional states, every little thing. I know what sets them off, what makes them happy, what they desire and want out of life.  I know all their disappointments. Flaws. Edges.

And, in the end. It never changes my perception. It find this to be truly stunning. No matter what horrible things I hear.. In the end, I still don't hold it against them. All I feel... Is this overwhelming sense of compassion. I am invariably prejudiced in their favor. And I cannot really explain it to the people. I don't have the words to tell them... To make them understand. So I just leave it alone. Because... I hope they truly know. Even though my words cannot convince them.

I just... The emotions are what really matter. Doesn't matter what you do. The action is so not a problem for me. It's the fact that you and I both feel something. And that I can actually feel what it is you feel. So much so... That I can't help but feel it rather... Poignantly.

And now... The even MORE personal part. I am awkward and single. The few relationships I have or have had... Have all ended in sadness. Mostly because I am awkward and I say things I don't mean. I take great care to keep myself from insulting someone, or insinuating anything. Not that it does me any good. Cause I'm awkward. I end up saying things that... Even if they don't make them feel bad, they make me feel bad. I feel... Like even though I do so much good for people... I still end up hurting them unintentionally. I had a dream last night... Where my best friend and I were talking, and she told me... That I had made her cry because I'd said something. And I woke up, and I just... I couldn't stop...

That's how it is. I take so much care of other people... That I can't help but lose a bit of myself in doing just that. People I make so happy... I also make so sad...

I don't know. I can't truly pinpoint what it is I really mean. Like, I'm scratching the surface, but it's not enough. But that's occupied my thoughts recently.