Surgery...

So... I had to have Oral Surgery done recently. It's ruined my life presently. I can't eat any meat, and I'm confined to potatoes, pudding, and Jello. And pills for antibiotics and pain. Lots of pain. I spent all of Friday in a half awake state, because I had what may have been just a bit too much pain medicine for me...

The girl in my life... She said she would come and take care of me. Babysit me, and make sure everything was okay. Now, I know she's busy. So I knew it wasn't going to happen. But I did find her offer to be extremely appreciated. And ridiculously cute. I loved it. I was glad she would volunteer to do that for me... Even though she didn't need to.

It didn't happen, though. No one came to visit me. I felt kind of lonely that day... Which I suppose is okay. I was pretty much drugged up enough that I wouldn't have been much fun, anyway. I would have probably fallen asleep on whomever it was that was unfortunate enough to come and deal with me. Which would have been embarrassing... So, part of me is glad. But the bigger part of me wished I didn't have to feel so alone. (Not that much can be done... It's kind of a personal thing anyway, you know?)

In other news, my time at my house is quite short. I have a little less than two weeks before I have to move out and up on campus. My parents have already made me pack everything up and away. So, my bedroom is ridiculously bare, now. Everything besides my clothes has been packed into tubs, and have been put in my corner. If a man is measured by his belongings... Then I am not much of a man, it seems. I don't have much to my name...

I'm sad... Because it feels like they don't really want me to be here. They seem eager to kick me out, and all I ever hear about is, "When you're gone..." Or "When Darik is gone..." Like they're all waiting for the day when I just leave and they don't have to deal with me anymore.

I guess... That the feeling of the time is lonely. I just feel lonely. My friends are few. Most of the people I love are planning, albeit not unforeseenly, my absence. Some of the people who I call my friends are attempting to boycott me, and not have anything to do with me. I just... I wish I had someone who I could just spend time with. Without people to interfere, or to tell me that I have something to do, or that I've got to do this so that I can be ready. I just kinda feel like everyone is waiting for me to move out, and that I feel alone and have no one telling me they really want me around...

It's why I always want out of the house. To spend some time, one on one, with someone who actually understands. Doesn't ask anything from me other than just to talk with me. And I realize that's a lot to ask. So I don't. It's simple. But complicated at the same time.

Postcard From Paris...

Ho there, Whiteout Fans.

I have just returned from a trip to Oregon for a week to see my family. (Quite possibly for the last time for a while.)

And a great many things have happened. I got a few things that belonged to my grandfather, such as a ring and a watch; I found the heaven of all taffy shops! (170 flavors. I probably tried half of them, and put half of those in my bag. A pound and a half of all sorts of taffy. It was great. :) ) I got some stuff, visited people and places, was lectured by my grandmother. I even watched my parents reception video. (Which brought up a great many feelings and thoughts in my mind.) I played my video game and saw my favorite scene twice, which was awesome. :) (I even have a video of it. And it brought more feelings.) And I brought back some more novels. :) Suffice it to say that the trip was well worth it.

But... It brought up a lot of feelings... I walked around the place I was born, and I drove, and I saw people. Couples holding hands. I watched movies, with the same thing. I saw kissing, and the love that they share. And all I could think of was... Her. (No matter how right or wrong that is.) It drives me up the wall, how much I think about her. I watched my parents video, and all I could think of... Was a fantasy of what would happen, in my mind, if we got married... And all the things attached to it. I constantly imagined that period of time. And all sorts of things. I saw what I saw during my time there, and... Oh, I wished she was there. So I could do all the things I wanted to. I wished she was there so we could talk and be together. I wanted her there so badly. Have her meet my family. Let her know about everything... I wanted her to be there so very badly. And no matter what I could do, I didn't ever have any rest from thoughts of her. And I don't really find something wrong with that. Even if it's complicated. Even if other people don't think that it's correct. Or that it will work out. I know... That this feeling is unlike anything I could ever have imagined. I wanted to know what it felt like to have someone love me this much like I love her... And it's... Simply amazing.

Question On Myself...

I find myself wondering sometimes...

Am I a good man?

Is it wrong of me to do some of the things I do, say what I say, feel what I feel? Is it wrong that I do so many things but feel like the end justifies the means? Does getting to spend time with the person I love mean that I can be clandestine about things?

Am I a good man...?

Am I okay to give my love and appreciation and all of me to someone else, knowing full well that what happens may not be what I want? To the exclusion of many of my other wants and needs? Am I wrong to put feeling before other things?

I've done a lot... Doubted much. Loved much. Have felt much. Sorrow. Joy. Anxiety. Spent my time and talents in areas where other people thought I was wasting my time. And when I think on all of it... I wonder to myself...

Am I a good man? And why or why not?

Nobody Said...

It would be easy.

So what? So we made some choices they didn't like? So they took it out on me, made it impossible to see you, sometimes even to talk with you. What does it matter?! That doesn't mean they hate you. They don't like what we've done, and what decisions I've made, but it doesn't mean they hate you. Or that they think you're a slut. They believe that you shouldn't have spent time with guys alone when you have a boyfriend. Or that I shouldn't spend so much time with you alone because I'm an adult and you're a minor. Don't ask me why. I don't know. It's not clicking with them, because it's not logical. It doesn't make sense. And I curse logic, because this is what happens.

But you have to understand... You have to. Because if you don't, you will forever feel bad. And I will too. They do these things to protect me, and you to an extent. That doesn't mean they hate you! If there's one thing I wish I could get across to you, it's that they don't hate you!! They like you as a person. My mother really likes you. My family does. They want me to get married to you. They think it would actually be a good idea. You realize that this is a large indicator of the fact that they truly do like you, right? They've been pushing for it, and waiting for it, and wanting it. They know that for whatever reason, you and I are meant to be together. And they WANT it!

I don't know what will convince you. I wish you could spend time with my family. Let me show you. So that you no longer have to feel that way. I love you.... So much. I don't like to argue with you over this. I know what you're feeling. What you're thinking. But you don't know what goes on. You can only think... And feel, but you only have half the message. You don't know what I know. And I have run out of ways to convince you... And it hurts that you hurt so. I can't stop... I want you to not feel bad... Not feel like you're hated. Or disliked. I want to make it all go away, so that you can truly understand. And I'm sorry that I lack the means to do so. Because you mean so much... I love you so much, you cannot imagine... And I'm sorry... :'(

Family...

So... The girl I always talk about... Has invited me to go to church at her ward on Sunday. This in and of itself isn't much of a problem. But... Her family is going to be there too. And not her nuclear family. I know them very well. :) But her more extended family. And, her family is quite... Unique. Mine is crazy. No doubt about it. But... Hers... Is unlike anything I've ever heard or known about.

And I don't have any reason, want, or permission to tell any of the stories I've heard. But they are quite... Unorthodox. I had one of her uncles very seriously interrogate me over her phone, which, when he found out she was talking with me, he immediately appropriated as his own, this beginning my thorough investigation. His wife, found out that I write on this blog, and actually read it aloud to any family members within earshot. So... They have a bit of an advantage. I have no idea if she's kept up with my blog, but what they read was bad enough... It was quite impressive. And I was rather embarrassed. They know much about me... But I know very little about them, besides the fact that thu are totally crazy, and may run me down for my interest in her.

I'm... Not sure how to deal with this idea. I asked her if she thought her family would like me, but she didn't give me any... Solid answers. Only what they might do to me.( I really need to find some protective gear to wear. Maybe some sort of force field generator....) But, they seem like nice people. If a bit crazy. ;) And I will give them all of the attention and good manners I have. Family is important.

Course, it's not the same on my side. She is absolutely afraid of my family. For whatever reason, I'm the only one who she feels comfortable around. To be fair, all of my family members are crazy. Dad is intense one second, and then totally chill at next moment. Mom is... Mom. She's fairly normal. Good natured. My older sister is plain crazy, in a totally good way. My younger brother is filterless, and his humor has no bounds. My younger sister talks nonstop and also has just a few filters, but not many. And Brisco is actually a six year old troll and generator of immense energy that never seems to run out. He's so strange and he has no bounds in any way shape or form. I'm... The odd duck. Fairly normal. But I am odd because of that. I'm quiet. And look completely different.

And even though she's good with me, it doesn't transfer over to the rest of my family. She feels like they scare her. Like they don't like her. Which isn't true. Because my family is actually very happy with her. (Besides a few bumps in the road that aren't her fault.) They honestly like her. I don't blame them. There's not much not to like. She's pretty awesome. I have no problem saying that. And many other things. :)

So there you go. Thought for the day.
ZW

Mission

So...

I have found that in order to have what I want most in life... The one person, I should clarify, that I could ever want in life. And the one person in this life who wants me back. And loves me immensely... I have to go and serve a mission.

I am a bit disgruntled at the fact. I don't want any accolades. No recognition. I don't want people to say "I told you so." Or pretty much anything that signifies I'm going because I have no choice. I don't really follow other people. I don't do things because I want people to notice. Or anything like that. I'm going so that the people who need me, can have me. For God. And, I think, second to most important, for her. I really was hoping to avoid it. But, I'm not able to, because if I am to get what I love, for eternity no less, I have to go. So it's kind of like blackmail, but not. It's really not, but more of an ultimatum. Either I leave for two years, and when I come back, I get married to the love of my life... Or I don't, and I lose her forever. It's not looking like I'm gonna have to make much of a choice here... Pretty straight forward.

She said she'd wait for me. (Even said that when I got back, she'd be waiting in a white dress nonetheless.) And, that took a lot of worry off my shoulders. I wanted some sort of security... To know that when I came back, that she'd be there. It'll be hard to leave anyways, because I just want to stay... With the people who love me. But I have to go, and in return I can have someone who wants me too.

She wants a life with me. Broken, quirky, lazy, weird, and strange as I am. She wants a life with me. Desperately. And I want a life with her, just as much. It would make me truly happy. I wish I knew how much she really wanted to spend eternity with me. And why...  And, How she'll be when I'm gone. I don't really worry if she's going to stay true. Because I hope she does. But that doesn't mean much so early before it has to be tested. I have only very few doubts. Lots of questions, but few doubts. And not because of her. But, I mean... What if some other guy decides he wants her to be his, while I'm away? And he woos her in my place? What do I do? How do I know? What if she goes on her mission while I'm away...? And isn't waiting at the airport for me, but I'm left waiting instead..? What happens if, after a while, she finds that she doesn't love me anymore...?

Now. I know that many of those are trivial, and when she finds out, she's gonna lecture me, or feel like I doubt her. I don't want that. I truly feel like she'll be able to avoid all those things. But... I still feel like I just... Need some solidity. Assurance. That, even though I'm gone.. She'll be there when I get back. Waiting for me to give her a huge hug, and the biggest, warmest, longest kiss and embrace of her entire life. And I'll be waiting for two years just to give those to her.

I love her... So much. If it means that we get what we want, I will go. Despite my doubts, and my thoughts, and my intense wants and needs... I'll do it. Maybe even happily.