Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night.... Though, you'd have strange dreams too, if yours were as vivid as mine can be.

I was at my best friend's house. And... We were just... There.We switched off cleaning the house and teasing each other. She kept telling me she could squish me. And refusing to move so I could sit next to her. I helped her do the dishes, and helped her mop the floor. Even got a few cuts somewhere along the way. She's so stubborn. She was sick to her stomach, and still made lunch and cleaned up after it. And, when I got cut... She bandaged me up.

After the house was all cleaned up, we sat down on her couch. And we started to talk. She and I made a little bet, and she even challenged me... Told me I wouldn't kiss her. (Told you I had strange dreams.) And we got real close... And then... I leaned in. She leaned in. And then... I kissed her.

I don't know. But it felt nice. Like I belonged there. We just sat there, reveling in the other person. And then someone knocked at the door. And we broke it up really quickly to answer the door. After that, we made some jello. And just... Stood there with each other. I don't know what happened. Things changed. She was a little flighty. And she sounded pretty shook up. She stuttered a bit. And acted really giddy. I did too.

I'll tell you this. I had no idea... That it would feel like that. I woke up and felt a sense of... Longing. And contentment. I felt like I didn't know if it was real or not, cause it was so surreal. It made me happy. I can remember how it felt. I wish it could happen again. And it occupies my mind, even now. I was shaking so badly... I could barely stand. I'm here, wishing it could happen...

I'm floored. Truly. Starstruck.

Poem?

Father, Help Her

Father, help her.

She needs you, and though
I would stand ready
I cannot do it
For my power alone is-
Not enough.

Insufficient is my ability
Unable am I to
Give her comfort like...
You are capable of.
She hurts.

And though I do try
With words, wishes, gestures
My efforts are feeble
And utterly, completely genuine
They pale.

Father help her.
Your strength, your efforts-
More successful than mine
Are the only things that-
Can heal.

Her wanting heart, mind, soul.
Bring her heart happiness
Give mind and soul peace.
Give answer to her prayers.
Give healing.

Father... Help her.

Sadness...

Story time, my readers.

So, my best friend had to bury her dog yesterday. Her own best friend. Her little puppy who was not puppy aged, sadly. He was a well lived and well loved dog. And she called me yesterday, crying. Three whole times. And each time I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest because of the compassion. And I felt like my heart was going to break from the sadness I felt for her. I just sat in my car and I listened to my sad music, and wished that I could have been there for her. Instead I just drove. Did my stuff and drove. And thought.

I wish I could have held her. Made her feel loved. And that she had someone in her corner. So that she could have someone to cry on. To comfort her. And that is a wish I have every time something happens that makes her feel so... Downright sad...

Today, she watched Frankenweenie to commemorate the occasion. And I attended. But... I did so clandestine. And without permission, breaking my rule my parents gave me. She didn't know, of course. And I attended cause I knew how much importance it held to her. I got there partway through the movie. And she was sitting with the other guy. (Which, has it's own small importance. But is mostly just a detail.) And we watched the movie. And then messed around until I had to go. Then, her boyfriend came over. Which I have a feeling she enjoyed most thoroughly as is her right and privilege. Then I saw something I didn't need to see, and I asked her to change something so that I didn't have to flirt with trouble. But... I knew very well... The consequences of this if and when she found out why.

I'm pretty sure she can't trust me anymore. I've made her doubt me. I spent so long... And now, because I wanted to follow my heart and be there for her, things... Special things.. Have been put into shadow and debate and... Well. Other such things. She'll not see me in the same light anymore. She's got her boyfriend. And the other guy left but came back with cake. And what did I do? Something tantamount to a lie. I wish that it didn't have to be this way. That I didn't have to move around my rules to do what I feel is correct. I feel... Like I've done something stupid. So irrevocably dumb... And that, even if she didn't say it aloud, I know it hurt her. Because she cares about me.

I don't know why. I guess my mother was right.... I am... Well, I won't dwell on that. It does not do to dwell on such a thing, true or not.  Suffice it to say that... The end justified the means in my book. But those means were not perfect. I do not regret what I did... Only that I hurt her when my intention was the opposite.

I'm sorry. I hope you know that...

Gratitude

I have reason to be grateful today. I have been given a large and undeniable reason to be grateful. One I cannot refute nor trivialize.

And that is my best friend and her family. I've already expounded to you my thoughts and feelings about my best friend. And the myriad many good and amazing things she is. But, she and her family have surprised me once more.

Due to an event that recently occurred, my parents have told me I needed to move out. Nicely, for the most part. When I leave, I will hold no ill will against them. But it seems like everything I do sets them off. My Mom told me I was awful with my responsibilities. And pretty much everything else. Which... Well, it hurt. And I felt like I was worthless. But, my best friend, bless her soul, was there to tell me.... Well, all the good things about me. And, even though I don't completely agree with her, I think that she's right. So, that's the first thing I have gratitude for. I have an immense amount of gratitude for her. I'm happy and grateful for her presence in my life, and I am privileged to have someone so wonderful so close to me. :)

But it didn't stop there. Out of what seems to be her feelings for me and my closeness to her and her family... They even went so far as to invite me to live with them. This, of course, was truly surprising. I was taken aback at this offer. She says, of course, that her family wouldn't mind at all. And that I wouldn't be a burden, even though I know well what happens when another person is added to a group of people. I'm a young man. I eat a lot, take long showers, etc. I'm quite a list of things that are problematic. But they offered to house me for as long as I needed, even an entire semester! I just... I cannot fathom why... Even if it's explained to me. I am somewhat thick when incredulous. And I'm grateful for that as well. It amazes me that they would do that for one person such as I. But I am grateful. So much. Even if I don't take them up on their offer.

I just... I thank God in Heaven that I have the privilege of having someone so close to me, and an entire family who is willing to take me in when I need a place to go. So thank you. Those who I talk about, I thank you, from the deepest part of my tiny heart. And I wish that I could make it up to you somehow. In any way I could. You have my deepest love and greatest appreciation.

Thought For The Day

I hate goodbyes... :(

That is all.

Relationships...

I can't say I have much relationship experience. At least, not in the category of boyfriend/girlfriend. I have lots of experience being the person people go to. (I'm that one friend who gives great relationship advice, but is always single.) I have lots of experience in being awkward and being single. And I'll get to that in a bit. But... I have the most experience, interpersonally, it seems, with being people's closest friends.

I have only few people who I could consider part of this category, but with those few people, I can say I've gotten about as much experience as one can from being so close. I've been on the Recieving end of many bombshells. I've had people tell me so many secrets and things they'd not tell any other human being.  There's a... Element of... Love that associated with what I do. Every time someone tells me something in confidence. Something personal, or like what I've described, it... It makes me feel so close to them. It makes me feel like they trust me. And I hope that they feel like they can trust me too. And then, they get so close... I can tell anything and everything. I can tell their emotional states, every little thing. I know what sets them off, what makes them happy, what they desire and want out of life.  I know all their disappointments. Flaws. Edges.

And, in the end. It never changes my perception. It find this to be truly stunning. No matter what horrible things I hear.. In the end, I still don't hold it against them. All I feel... Is this overwhelming sense of compassion. I am invariably prejudiced in their favor. And I cannot really explain it to the people. I don't have the words to tell them... To make them understand. So I just leave it alone. Because... I hope they truly know. Even though my words cannot convince them.

I just... The emotions are what really matter. Doesn't matter what you do. The action is so not a problem for me. It's the fact that you and I both feel something. And that I can actually feel what it is you feel. So much so... That I can't help but feel it rather... Poignantly.

And now... The even MORE personal part. I am awkward and single. The few relationships I have or have had... Have all ended in sadness. Mostly because I am awkward and I say things I don't mean. I take great care to keep myself from insulting someone, or insinuating anything. Not that it does me any good. Cause I'm awkward. I end up saying things that... Even if they don't make them feel bad, they make me feel bad. I feel... Like even though I do so much good for people... I still end up hurting them unintentionally. I had a dream last night... Where my best friend and I were talking, and she told me... That I had made her cry because I'd said something. And I woke up, and I just... I couldn't stop...

That's how it is. I take so much care of other people... That I can't help but lose a bit of myself in doing just that. People I make so happy... I also make so sad...

I don't know. I can't truly pinpoint what it is I really mean. Like, I'm scratching the surface, but it's not enough. But that's occupied my thoughts recently.

An Apology.

So... I recently got into a situation where a bit of a problem was made manifest, and though it wasn't required, I wrote this apology to the member of the third party who was indirectly involved.

Let me tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago... I love her. I love her more than life itself. I would move the world for her. I would give up my life for her. I love her so much. And I have for a very long time. You know... How some people you wouldn't think you'd get close to, but after a short period of time, you start to see that they've become part of your life? I would never have imagined that she and I would be so close. But, we got close. So close. And then, while we were both focused on the past, she suddenly moved on. She chose you, because she didn't know... How I felt. And that was my fault. Just call me Gatsby...

I'll tell you this. I never ever would attempt to take her away from you. You make her happy. And my feelings for her make me want only one thing for her. I want her to be happy. So happy. And that means... That I let her be with you. Heck, I pushed her to be with you. My opinion might not have mattered too much, but I told her to go for it. Because with you, she gets to be so happy. And that's all I ever wanted.

Now. I do not excuse myself. What happened between her and I was not correct. Not something I was searching for openly, but not something I was adverse to either. I wanted to kiss her because that's a desire that I'd had for some time. But I KNOW that despite my feelings, I would not have done so. Because it's not my place. What happened, even though nothing really did, is not right. And for that, I am very truly sorry. It was not my intention.  

I am to blame here. I misread a few things, and started to act on a feeling. One I'd tried to bury. To change, even. I've been moving on, and finding someone else, and we've been working on what goes on between us. This incident is the first and last time anything like that has or will happen.  She did nothing wrong. It was me, and only me. And for that... You cannot imagine how sorry I am.  I realize asking for forgiveness is hard, but I ask that you forgive me and not hold it against her.  

Now. I don't know I'd he'll ever read this. And I hope he doesn't have to unless he needs one. But this is important. And that's why it's here.