Angels... Both of the Mythological and the Realistic Kind

At the behest of one of my more ardent readers I have been given a prompt to write on today. Apparently, it is Angels.

Angels of the ethereal kind are hard to talk about. Not many people have seen them, and those who have... Well, they tend to not talk about them. It's kinda sacred. I often ask myself what they look like, and many pictures have been shown. (See, I wouldn't mind if angels looked like anime angels. Big eyes, adorable faces. You know, anime like.) But, since I haven't as of yet seen an angel, it would be somewhat hard for me to really describe them. I'm sure they're infinitely kind and knowledgeable. Being servants of a divine being, they probably get lots of perks. (Parking spots close to the heavenly office building, access to Heaven's Famous all-you-can eat-and-never-get-fat buffet, God-like powers, and never ever being bored.) But they have a lot of work to do. After all so many people are on the other side. Death certainly does not mean release from work. (You hear that, people? Even after we die, we still don't get any rest. ;) )

Anywho. Enough with that. Angel also is used as a more colloquial term, used by guys to refer to women, and, while I don't know this for certain, I can only assume that a few people are fairly good and "angelic". (Besides my dearest friend Onee-chan. Who I already know is. :) )

You see, on my journeys across campus, I have found a few girls that I could think about pursuing. One of which is in my math class. She's pretty cute. She has this interesting shade of light brown hair, and bright blue eyes. She's about my height, actually. (Which has more meaning than one would think.) She's pretty intelligent, but really quiet. Like, she can talk, and she does so with the other girl who sits at our table. But, she doesn't really say all that much. (I'm kinda like that. Except I talk a lot, but I don't always say very much.) She seems really nice though. She has a nice sounding voice. And she's really calm. Nothing seems to faze her. Probably a good thing in school. :) She's not afraid of asking for help, even though I'm pretty sure that she could do it even better than I could. :)

And then, in my dance class there are many wonderful people. But, so far, only one person has made the effort to remember my name, and succeeded. I won't mention her name here, but I think she's really cute. :) She has blonde hair and brown eyes, sit closer to about 5'2, (So, much shorter than myself. The perfect height, nearly. Just tall enough to fit under the chin.) And she's energetic. Very much so. Not hyperactive, but energetic. And a very good dancer. (So much so that sometimes I can't keep up. because my own dancing skills are less impressive than hers, but I do my best, and it seems to work out.) She has a very good sense of humor, and she uses it really often. And she is rather... supportive. Almost pushy, but in a good way.

There you go, Whiteout fans. Steer clear of avalanches. :)
ZW

Doctor Who

 "When I look at her, I see all of it. The hole that was left and the pain that filled it."
                                                                                                                                      --David Tennant
ZW
(From Doctor Who, The Doctor's Daughter.)

Like a Blues Song...

Some days, I curse myself. I'm a very empathic person, I have to consider all emotions attached to something before I can make any type of decision. And, when I make certain decisions, I often can't fathom the outcome, and I end up feeling bad, for one reason or another. A few recent events have occurred that have made me feel this way, and I don't like it. (To the person who reads this: What I said still maintains it's effect. You don't have to apologize for telling me things. Or asking me to do things. You don't bother me at all. I look forward to these things. I do and feel things because I love you.)

First off, my best friend recently had... well, a bit of a scary thing happen to her. This has been midterms week for her, fraught with exams, reports, and Prom stuffs for Art Club. Needless to say, she was under great duress. When, of course, she is under such duress, she immediately forgoes certain things. Like eating. (As most people do when they're busy.) But for her, it's worse. Anywho. I was working at the courthouse the other day, working with AutoMarks (Giant 100 pound pains in the-- well, I'll keep it clean. My brother refers to them as such, but I tend not to repeat him.) and I get a few voice messages from her.

It seems that she was really stressed, and she asked me to take her home and if I could help her with a report she had due. This, normally, would have been fine and dandy, except that I was with my Mom AND we had 4-H that night. So, while I was talking with her, something strange happened. All the sudden, she started to have problems speaking. She would repeat herself a bunch of times, and I could tell things had taken a turn for the worse. I couldn't have made it in time, I noticed, because she called her mother, and she was taken to the doctor to see what was the matter. She knows what went wrong, and she's trying to avoid it now. But, at that moment in time... I couldn't control myself. Just hearing her speak made my heart stop. My breath shortened up, and my pulse started to race. Frantically, I tried to get my Mom to take me to where she was so that I could do something. Anything. My entire being wanted to be exactly where she was, so that I could be of some use to her. I just... Oh, I wanted to find her, and hold her, and tell her it was going to be okay. Take her back to her house, and lay her down on her bed, and sit there and wait. Wait until I knew she was okay. But, I couldn't. I spent the entire night wondering. Hoping that all was well. It got so bad that one of my Sensei's intervened. Told me a few things. Hard things and soft things. And it eased my conscience a little, but I still felt sick and sad.

A week ago, she was at a Stake Dance. Of course, I thought, she'd be fine, right? No worries at a Stake Dance. Well, it turned out she was forced by her Mom to go, but her boyfriend wasn't going to be there. So, she was alone. She messaged me asking me to come so that she wouldn't have to be alone, and other such things. Again, my situation depended on my mother, who again, shot me down. So, I waited. All night. To make sure she got home. Because, I couldn't go and comfort her as I wanted. And I dearly wanted to. I like dancing. And spending time with her. So, I felt bad, because I had one desire. She had one need. And I couldn't manage to fill it.

And then, today. Her ward was having a youth auction, auctioning off lots of items in the business of raising money for their youth trips. I was availed of this several days before, and was being encouraged to come, but I knew I wouldn't be able to, because my father was home that weekend. And whenever Dad is home, I go nowhere. (It comes down to a few things. Very important things. So I had to make a choice, and much to my chagrin, I made the wise one.) We had things we needed to do. It literally took us the entire day to put our basement back together, and I knew that was going to happen. So I told her I wouldn't be able to make it. (Not that it was horrible, you know, that I couldn't. They needed people to show up, is all.) I would have gladly came, just for her. So I felt bad once more, because I couldn't go. Then, she comes back and tells me that I "missed out". Now, I responded first with regret, and then with a little sarcasm. I immediately regretted it. She didn't know how I felt. So I shouldn't have responded as I had. If she had known that I felt bad about not being able to attend... About not having been able to support her and spend some time with her like I love to do... She might not have said it. But, I can't blame her.

Apparently, I've been doing a lot of letting down lately. And frankly, it hurts. Because I don't like having to do that. I ache so badly when I can't do something for someone. I mean, I'd jump off a cliff for people, if it did any good. For her, all my talents, time, experience, and love are at her disposal. So, to do such a thing as to repeatedly fail her doesn't sit well with me. Gah... I don't like it. I really don't. I spend sleepless nights thinking of this sometimes.

It also hasn't been too pleasant that one of my other best friends has been ignoring me, and yet she still hasn't told me why. And then, she goes and asks for my help late one night. I, of course, answer her back as quickly as I can, but... It hurt that she wouldn't talk to me, and then, when she needed me, she finally decided she would speak to me again. Like, "I'm ignoring you, but as soon as I need help, you're suddenly there." Seriously? Is that what it means? I mean, I know I'm overprotective and somewhat bossy, but instead of ignoring me, why not just tell me? I'm many things, but what I don't do is make excuses for myself. I acknowledge that I did something stupid, and I move on in the right direction. I needed to speak with her. Several times. I needed to tell her things. Things to get off my mind. I sent her a message every time. And normally, she's there. But, this time, she wasn't. She point-blank shut me down. And that stung, because never in my life have I done that to her. To anybody. Even when people ignore me, I'd still move the world for them. I feel... Many things. I want her to feel like I'm always there. Because I am. But, what happens when you ignore someone, and then, when you need them... They don't come back? I personally, hope to never do that to someone. And I have a very large amount of patience. But even I can take a hint. I'll fight tooth and nail to keep people in my life. But, if you don't want to talk with me, that's... Well, that's a real pity. Because part of me wants to keep you talking to me. Most of me. About 95%. But, that other 5%... Tells me that if you really don't want to speak with me... Then I'll let you do as you wish. Because that's how love works.

I guess, when you're like me, you get stuck holding the stick of emotional dynamite. Everything is all sunshine and roses until something happens. Then, I have to make a choice. Normally, I pick the choice that solves the other person's problems. Makes them happy. And in return, I become happy. And they feel like there is someone in their court. (I like to think of myself as a Gatsby type person. I try to be invariably prejudiced in favor of the people I associate myself with. The people I love.) But, when I can no longer do that, I feel like... Well, a failure. And I don't like that. Not one bit.

Have a good weekend, Whiteout fans.

Tournament! And a Little Something Else...

Howdy there, Whiteout fans! It's been a while, but I figured a tournament would be a good enough reason to jump back on the blogging horse.

So. Yesterday there was a tournament held in Rigby. I, of course, only had one event, but all of our students who performed did a wonderful job. Of special mention was my best friend. She performed in four events, and got gold in almost all of them, cause she's amazing. I only performed in one event and judged the rest of them with a few of the other black belts. And, we also performed our kagura, which I mentioned earlier. It went really well. And if we'd managed to start on time (due to a teeny tiny music glitch), it would have been perfect. We did really well, and both of us got gold medals for our performance. We have a plan to improve it over the next three months or so for the tournament in August, but we'll probably only be able to do the first half of the wave for the tournament, due to time constraints. But, it went over really well, and I truly think that by the next tournament, it will be very well done. :) Overall, our students did a really good job. Two of the three grand prizes went to students from our dojo. (The other one went to a student previously from our dojo, so it didn't fall far from the tree.) As usual, I got free food, and candy for cheap, so I can't wait for the next tournament to stock back up. ;)

And now... to a slightly further removed subject.

It has come to my attention... That I do a lot for other people that they don't really think I should. I don't understand why, truly. You see, I have few things I do. One of which is something very easily taken for granted. Taken advantage of. And yet, I manage to do it anyway. Simply put, I have an unending love for other people. And certain people, I would bend over backwards for. One such person.. Yesterday, kind of gave me a lecture. She told me that I didn't need to do so much for her. To stop sacrificing myself for her.

This gave me pause. And a bit of frustration. Because, well... I don't know any other way to do things. This is how I am. When I have love for someone, especially this person, I will always, ALWAYS, do anything and everything I can for them. It's not because they aren't capable. Or that they're weak, or unable to do anything. It's because I CAN do things. Because I want to. I have a hard time watching the people close to me struggling. I have a hard time watching them make what I think might be mistakes. 

There's so much I could say on this subject. My opinion isn't always needed. Or wanted. And most of the time, it is ignored. Because I'm overprotective. But, with my version of love... I do everything I can do out of love. I have to do it, because I need to. She told me that I had no reason to stay up to make sure she got home safe. No reason, in fact, to even do anything for her at all! Even though, both of us knew she'd forever do the same for me! (Now, I don't know about you, but that logic isn't exactly sound, and I kinda chuckled at this.) This, of course, was unacceptable to me, but again, it got me thinking.

I'm the type of person who gives unconditionally. I want nothing from the other person, pretty much. I give out love and trust and help unconditionally. The only thing I could ever ask for, is this: That maybe, just maybe, that the person I give that to could take it and appreciate it. And, even less asked for, maybe they could even give it back in their own way. I don't care if they do or not. I don't care if the person I give myself to can do for themselves what I can do for them. I don't really care how capable you are, and I'll let you do certain things by yourself. I don't involve myself in everything, because people are people.

But, seriously. Even the most capable people can fall down. Even the strongest people need help. And, I always help. I'm always there if people need me. My best friend is one of the most capable girls I've known. She's strong, and kind, and amazing. But to me, she's someone who I get to have the privilege of helping when she needs it. (And this is to say nothing of her blatant disregard for my constant chivalry. ;) She can't do anything about it, and she knows it, but she always tries to do the stuff that I'm supposed to do. Like open doors, and carry bags, etc.) And she's never told me before that I shouldn't do things for her. It's not easy for me to do that.

I am the... opposite. Strong though I might be, I depend on other people. On doing things for other people. For stability. To keep myself... normal. Everything I do out of love, is also something I do simply because I have a need to do and show my love for the people in my life. I do it because I need to. It makes me happy. It gives me immense joy to help her, because I feel useful. I feel needed. And that's very hard for me to get sometimes. I feel like... When I do things for other people, I get the love that I need. If I don't, I feel like I haven't done anything to deserve what is given me. I'm hard to deal with, I know. I gotta have things a certain way. I do what I do, and I never compromise it for anyone, because I can't.

I haven't even begun to write the thousand-fold things that I really feel on this subject. But suffice it to say this: I won't change how I am. I can't. I can't help worrying, and helping, and always being there for her. I don't know what I'd do without her, to be honest, because I've come to depend on her in every way, shape, and form that I can. Sometimes, she asks me to do things that... I cannot. And some of those things, I attempt anyway, knowing that I've done what I can to try and convince her otherwise. And, I'll tell you, sometimes, it hurts me to know that she's doing something that could be a bad thing. I just... ache. So much. Because I love her so much, that... When she does something that I can see could be... less than good, I start to ache from the fact that I KNOW something is wrong. And now it's come to the point... Well, everything she does affects me in such a way that I feel what she does. I hurt when she hurts. I feel sad when she is sad. And I'm immensely happy when she is happy. I guess that's part of what is deep feeling for another person.

And there you have it, folks. Talk to you later, Whiteout lovers. Steer clear of avalanches.
ZW

The Day From Heck...

Is tomorrow. Today is "The Day Just Before Heck." Today, I woke up to a GINORMOUS crack in our fish tank, a raging headache, and a busy day full of things to do. And then the fish tank broke. As I sit here, covered in fish water, smelling like a fish tank, and my entire body aching, I just think of one thing: Tomorrow will be no better. An utterly hopeless prospect. But the only one I currently have.

I spent THREE HOURS today vacuuming two spots on the carpet downstairs. Which, of course, was wetter than the ocean. THREE HOURS!! And you wanna know how much good it did? NONE. Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Cero. Nein. So much for a useful day. Then, I went to campus, and traipsed about, and I was thwarted there too! I couldn't even get my BOOKS! Or my parking permit! The only good thing I managed to do, was get my exercise clothes! (Cause I'll be hitting the gym on my off time. Hello muscles! :) ) Anywho. So, then I came back home to more futile efforts.

On top of this, I start school on Monday. Which will be lovely. And tomorrow, we have yet MORE trees to plant, MORE fish tank stuff, AND preparations for the giant family party for the holidays! Which is why tomorrow is gonna be lovely.

In other news, I have had several emotional upheavals this week. And, unrelated to that... My friend who lives in Boise has contacted me several times, asking for a listening ear. Which, I happen to enjoy. I'm fond of giving people an ear and a shoulder. And, she really needed it. I'm sure that being kicked out and not having any foreseeable place to go is wonderful for the stress level. So, when she contacted me, she was suitably freaked out. And she needed someone to go to for help. And who am I to turn someone away? That's my bread and butter, man. One of the only reasons I have actual friends, is because I seem to be a rather good influence, and can manage to help people calm down, and give them the comfort they need.

This seems to be my purpose in life. Several times this week alone, it has become apparent to me, that I am a force for good in this world. People come to me with their problems, and somehow, they leave without them. Or, at the very least, with a sense that they can overcome them. Makes me wonder... What am I to do with this...? How can I better use this to help the people I care about? I seem to elude myself. I can't see in myself what everyone else sees in me. In reality, all I see in myself is a few small abilities, and the fact that I'm a jerk. A pain in the bottom, most times. I'm stubborn, sometimes rude and arrogant, honest to a fault, (The size of the San Andreas.), and a million other things. That I feel will make it hard for me in life. Not things that I can change, per se. Just things... As they are. Of course, people seem to see me completely differently. To some, I'm a saint. To others, a nice young gentleman. To even others, maybe an overachiever. To a few, a friend. To even fewer, a leader. And to a very VERY small amount of people, a best friend.

My problem, is this. I am an extremely emotional person. Not the crying type. Just that, I have requirements emotionally that must be met. And in this way, I am construed as needy. Which I suppose I am. More on this to come.

I'll cut this one short, folks. The next one's gonna be a doozy....

Stay safe, and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW

My Best Friend!

The one that lives close by, anyways. :)

There's so much to say... I mean, she's amazing. I'll start in one place, I guess, and end when I end. (Whenever that will be. I could sing her praises forever and ever.)

Where to start...? Oh! I shall start by describing her. She's... adorable. Absolutely wonderful. From her soft brown hair and petite figure, all the way to her stunning blue eyes and endearing personality. I look at her, and I just get all happy inside. She has that personality. Whenever I'm around her, I smile and laugh, without even trying. She does that to me without even trying. Whether it's her snarfing down any food she sees or freaking out cause I poked her in her ticklish spot. :) She just makes me smile and laugh. And that's something I really appreciate in her, because everyone can use that in their life. She's REALLY friendly, which I also admire. She has tons of friends, and is constantly making more. That's just how she is, bubbly, friendly, and altogether amazing. She has lots of running jokes, and she always laughs really loudly when something is hilarious. (This is mostly because she or other people make jokes at my expense, which just makes it even funnier for her.) But, if it gets her to laugh, I'll gladly be the entertainment. Something about her laugh, her voice. It just makes me want to listen. She calls me Oni-sensei, and I call her Onee-chan. We have a very special relationship, is the simplest way to put it. I'm her big brother, dependable, and always around when she needs someone, constantly keeping her safe. And she's my little sister who I love to death, and would do anything for. Just as I know she'd do all of that for me, and she does.

She's always there for the people in her life, too. And there's a lot of those people. But, of especial mention, is that she is always there for me. Whenever I have a problem, I know I can turn to her for a listening ear. (And sometimes a hug, if we're talking in person.) She's always really active, always doing something somewhere. (Seriously, sometimes I wonder if she ever sits down for a second to rest, cause she's busy busy busy.) But, it's an endearing quality, because it means she puts effort into what she does, and that she cares about the people in her life. Even if you aren't the nicest to her, or if you even don't like her, she'd still give you the jacket off her back if she found out you needed one. She always has some sort of activity going on. Almost all of my dates have been because she either found someone for me, or needed a double so she could date. And they've all been fun. :) She wants to be a nurse, which I believe is a wonderful profession for her to go into. (She'll make the best nurse, I know it.) She has just the right personality. Sweet and kind, but firm at times. (Nobody walks over her unless she lets them. I've tried to say no sometimes, or to give her money for the many things she's done for me, but she refuses. She just throws it back at me. Once her mind is made up, there's no changing it...)

She has a lot of interesting hobbies, many of which I had the skill to do. She draws AMAZINGLY! Oh my goodness, rarely have I seen such artwork in my life. It's seriously awesome to watch her do her work, and then see the finished result. (I have been very much awed by her drawing ability time after time.) And she can play piano, (Which, again, is totally outside my range of ability.) She plays it really well. (I'm actually a bit jealous.) I got her this sheet music that she was really looking for, for her birthday, and she has yet to MASTER it but she can play it pretty well. She likes listening to hard rock, heavy metal, and other similar types of music. (If you were to look at her, you wouldn't peg her as a fan of such music, but she is. And it actually suits her really well, like, you could totally understand.) She loves Beauty and the Beast, which is her favorite Disney movie. (Her other favorite movies involve zombies, explosions, guns, and generally lots of... death. Mostly satirical type though. Think Zombieland. Or a little darker, TV appropriate Resident Evil.) And she is a HUGE fan of anime, including Vampire Knight, which is her absolute favorite, pretty much.

Being around her... Does interesting things. Besides making me smile and laugh without even trying. ;) She's characteristically slightly impatient, loud, bossy, unpredictable, and slightly mercurial. But, those are about as bad as it gets, and really, they aren't bad at all. They're part of her quirks, and to me, they're really endearing, because they make up who she is. She just wouldn't be herself without her need to be bossy. ;) Just a few days ago, we were working and it was storming really bad outside. She tried to force me to wear a jacket, and I point blank told her no and to put it back on, because I wasn't cold. (And she looked cold. Which just made me want to wrap my arms around her to keep her warm. There's the little chivalry thing for you.) So, to make sure I knew she wasn't gonna give in, she said she wasn't gonna wear it, and she set it down on the couch. Just a few seconds later, I see her wearing it, and still shivering just a bit. (I totally called that, by the way.) Her presence makes me want to be better. Makes all those little chivalric quirks I have just jump right out. A hand on the shoulder, a quick hug, a few words of encouragement; all brought on by how she makes me feel.On the way back to her house, she just laid down in the back seat with a few jackets, and fell right to sleep. I watched her sleep, (No, it isn't creepy. She's fallen asleep on me before.) and just thought, "I hope you're having a good nap, my dear. Sleep well. I'll make sure all stays well.."

You know, she puts up with me really well. I'm not an easy person to deal with. Stubborn, quiet, insistent, unwilling to eat her family's food or any food when there's work to be done. How I often push myself to my limit and beyond to make sure I can give her what she needs. (Seriously though. I'm there to work, not eat. And her time is precious, so I try to use as much of it as I can to help her out.) I can be really insensitive or a real jerk at times, and she puts me in my place. But, despite all of my inadequacies, she's still there for me. And I know I cause her to worry all the time, a quality of which I am deeply in her debt for. I have lots of good quirks too, like my constant use of Italian phrases, or the use of my dear. And she really does like those, it seems. (Plus. I like Italian. And there are some very nice phrases I love to use.) The part of me that always tells me to walk her out to her car and open doors for her. She's independent, and she lets me know that I don't have to do stuff for her. (Now, she does try to keep me from doing what I try to do often. Mostly to mess with me or because she feels that I don't have to. But, I've been doing it for a long time, and it's very hard to keep me from doing what is ingrained in my very being.) Many of the things I do sometimes irk her, or worry her, and I like that. (Not to worry her. But that she actually cares enough to order me to eat something or else. And she never tells me what "or else" means) But, she is important to me. More important to me than myself.

That's what my best friend is. More important to me than my life itself. And we often do things together, even with her having a boyfriend. I'm constantly helping her with art club, or helping her family with projects. (And I love it. And her family.) She and I are even working on a Kagura, which is a traditional Japanese dance. Now, I have no idea why she picked the most graceless person in the dojo to do this with her, but I am honored to do it. It's turning out really well so far, and I'm quite impressed. She's put a lot of thought and effort into this, and as always it's turning out spectacularly. She's really very graceful, and I am in awe of her ability to do it so well. It's amazing to watch, and I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

In fact... That's the basic message here. I wouldn't trade anything for her. She's the best thing I never knew I needed. I can't imagine life without her in it, because she's so prevalent in it. I talk with her every day, even if it's just to wish her good night. I feel so much for her, and I just never seem to have the right words to express it. In fact, I have some Italian phrases that can describe this well enough. :) These are in the personal tense, so they will translate to "You are" such and such. Sei sempre nel mio cuore. Per te faccio di tutto. Non voglio perderti. Hai conquistato il mio cuore. :)

And there you have it. :)
ZW

The One Thing...

Everyone has it. Most of the time, it is a person. Someone, who... Makes you complete. Someone who makes you happy. You could spend the rest of your life with them, and be totally happy. And, I had that.

(Just as a note. I know the person this speaks of reads or will eventually read this. I still like talking with you. And I will still talk with you for the rest of my life on this planet. But, as I was reading through some of our conversations... I remembered what you told me. And I had to get this out somehow.)

I say had, because for the longest time, I was convinced that I had found someone who... felt the same for me. Who I enjoyed so much, and who I thought enjoyed me too. And maybe she did. For a while. But, somewhere along the line, or maybe even from the beginning, it was all a lie. One large lie. Oh, yes. I was duped. I trusted her... With everything that I was. She knew everything. Everything about me there was to know about me, she knew. We talked every day, and I thought I knew everything about her. What I knew... I loved. But... Well... it seems there was one thing that I didn't manage to see until it was brought to my attention. Interesting how you can think nothing can get worse, and then something unexpected happens, and you realize that you were wrong.

I mean, we "loved" each other. And I did something incredibly stupid, and so we just became friends. We still talk, and we go over what happened on occasion. But, having heard what I did... Now I'm just not sure. Was any of it true? Or was she just saying things? The things I wanted, -needed- to hear? For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. And part of it was. I felt so bad for destroying her so completely. Her heart broke, and from four hours away I heard that sound. And it broke mine. (My own pain... I could deal with. Watching what I was crumble and die, was a hardship, but not one entirely unexpected. And one that took awhile to get over. But hurting her was... worse.) And just when I thought I'd somehow put together the pieces... This comes along. I don't know which way is up. I can't trust anything like that from her anymore. Everything else she tells me, yes. I trust it. But... I can't help but think that certain things she tells me... It's just like, "I don't know if I can actually believe you." The one thing I expect from those who I associate myself with, and have attachments to is honesty. Because I am nothing less than candid with people.

I thought it was bad before. Feeling the destruction of not one, but two lives. But now... I just don't know. I don't know what it is to love someone, I guess. I know what I do, and I'm constantly changing the way I act, so that I can show things better. But apparently, what I do isn't good enough to have someone actually take me seriously, and give it in return. This most recent revelation shook me to the core. What... What does it mean, then? What did all that I did actually mean? I don't know what to feel. What to think. What to do. I opened up... For the first time in my life. And all I got was heartache. The past should just stay the past, and I would love for it not to affect me in the present. But, it seems, wherever I go, all I get is a shadow of what was. I used to feel sorrow for hurting her. Hurting her heart so irreparably, that she should have just let me go, and let me fade into the shell of a man that I deserved to be. But she didn't. We still talked. And some of those feelings still come out. Loving someone... Makes you care for them, even if it isn't the smart thing. It's the right thing. And I'm a guy who, normally, does the right thing.

Now... I feel sorrow for an entirely different reason. I feel like a fool, which is normal. Because I am. Still. I feel sorrow... Because I gave everything away, and in return... didn't get it back. It nearly makes me cry, because I wanted it so bad... Someone to love. Who loved me back. And... I didn't get that. I thought I had it, and then, it turns out, it was all a deception. (Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, right?) Apparently, it is not mine to have. I told her after the incident last year... I would be alone. And I am. Perhaps... For a while, this is to be my punishment. My burden to bear. I'm not angry. Or anything like that. Just... sad. So sad. An all-encompassing, heart-bursting sadness. But, I suppose, it is mine to bear. And so I shall. No one will know. (Except, you know, those reading this.)

And there you go. Sorry for the depressing post, Whiteout fans. But, this has been on my mind for a while now. And I needed it to get out, so I could try to move on. Steer clear of avalanches.

ZW