The One Thing...

Everyone has it. Most of the time, it is a person. Someone, who... Makes you complete. Someone who makes you happy. You could spend the rest of your life with them, and be totally happy. And, I had that.

(Just as a note. I know the person this speaks of reads or will eventually read this. I still like talking with you. And I will still talk with you for the rest of my life on this planet. But, as I was reading through some of our conversations... I remembered what you told me. And I had to get this out somehow.)

I say had, because for the longest time, I was convinced that I had found someone who... felt the same for me. Who I enjoyed so much, and who I thought enjoyed me too. And maybe she did. For a while. But, somewhere along the line, or maybe even from the beginning, it was all a lie. One large lie. Oh, yes. I was duped. I trusted her... With everything that I was. She knew everything. Everything about me there was to know about me, she knew. We talked every day, and I thought I knew everything about her. What I knew... I loved. But... Well... it seems there was one thing that I didn't manage to see until it was brought to my attention. Interesting how you can think nothing can get worse, and then something unexpected happens, and you realize that you were wrong.

I mean, we "loved" each other. And I did something incredibly stupid, and so we just became friends. We still talk, and we go over what happened on occasion. But, having heard what I did... Now I'm just not sure. Was any of it true? Or was she just saying things? The things I wanted, -needed- to hear? For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. And part of it was. I felt so bad for destroying her so completely. Her heart broke, and from four hours away I heard that sound. And it broke mine. (My own pain... I could deal with. Watching what I was crumble and die, was a hardship, but not one entirely unexpected. And one that took awhile to get over. But hurting her was... worse.) And just when I thought I'd somehow put together the pieces... This comes along. I don't know which way is up. I can't trust anything like that from her anymore. Everything else she tells me, yes. I trust it. But... I can't help but think that certain things she tells me... It's just like, "I don't know if I can actually believe you." The one thing I expect from those who I associate myself with, and have attachments to is honesty. Because I am nothing less than candid with people.

I thought it was bad before. Feeling the destruction of not one, but two lives. But now... I just don't know. I don't know what it is to love someone, I guess. I know what I do, and I'm constantly changing the way I act, so that I can show things better. But apparently, what I do isn't good enough to have someone actually take me seriously, and give it in return. This most recent revelation shook me to the core. What... What does it mean, then? What did all that I did actually mean? I don't know what to feel. What to think. What to do. I opened up... For the first time in my life. And all I got was heartache. The past should just stay the past, and I would love for it not to affect me in the present. But, it seems, wherever I go, all I get is a shadow of what was. I used to feel sorrow for hurting her. Hurting her heart so irreparably, that she should have just let me go, and let me fade into the shell of a man that I deserved to be. But she didn't. We still talked. And some of those feelings still come out. Loving someone... Makes you care for them, even if it isn't the smart thing. It's the right thing. And I'm a guy who, normally, does the right thing.

Now... I feel sorrow for an entirely different reason. I feel like a fool, which is normal. Because I am. Still. I feel sorrow... Because I gave everything away, and in return... didn't get it back. It nearly makes me cry, because I wanted it so bad... Someone to love. Who loved me back. And... I didn't get that. I thought I had it, and then, it turns out, it was all a deception. (Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, right?) Apparently, it is not mine to have. I told her after the incident last year... I would be alone. And I am. Perhaps... For a while, this is to be my punishment. My burden to bear. I'm not angry. Or anything like that. Just... sad. So sad. An all-encompassing, heart-bursting sadness. But, I suppose, it is mine to bear. And so I shall. No one will know. (Except, you know, those reading this.)

And there you go. Sorry for the depressing post, Whiteout fans. But, this has been on my mind for a while now. And I needed it to get out, so I could try to move on. Steer clear of avalanches.

ZW