I Need To Learn...

To keep my mouth shut. And to stop bothering people by messaging them in the middle of the day when they are on VACATION for the HOLIDAY! Honestly... I'm surprised she hasn't told me to go away, cause I always feel like I'm annoying her by messaging her randomly. I mean, we're continuing  a conversation already in progress, but it's just like... Gah. Just, keep your mouth shut, and stop bothering the poor girl. She has enough to deal with without you constantly butting in and rambling senselessly.

I can't help it, though I probably should start helping myself. I curse myself every time, cause I know that she's doing something and I've interrupted again. And yesterday, her uncle got ahold of her phone. And asked me questions, and found out that this blog exists. And then an aunt read it aloud to anyone within earshot. I'll bet you money she took a lot of flak for that, and will take lots more in the near future. As will I, I'm sure. Now, I don't know about you, Whiteout fans, but I found this mighty strange. On the one hand, the stuff I put up here is technically public, cause it's online. So, of course people are reading it. But, on the other hand, this is my journal type thing. Things I put here, I don't really expect to be read aloud to other people. I mean, if you want to know so bad, find it, and read it or ask me, cause I'll probably tell you. (Probably.) So, bottom line, I'm going to have to be a little more careful about what I put on here.

That's not to say it isn't true. I won't take back anything I have said regarding anyone I have mentioned. It's all true, and since people have read it, I can't very well take it back. And I don't want to, because I speak the truth, and nothing but the truth. I'm incapable of lying... But, I would ask that a bit of discretion would be used when the posts concern matters near and dear to my heart. I don't mind if it's read or if it's completely ignored. I don't mind how it's taken, or if you agree or disagree. But, unfortunately, I do mind when I put things close to me up here, and they are seen by and shared with people who I don't know, you know? Not that it can really be avoided or controlled, but still. It's like... Giving away a card from my hand, that I'd previously kept up my sleeve. I don't know what everyone's intentions are given the knowledge that is there. And, I don't like that, frankly. So please, for my sake, if you read this blog, don't read it aloud. You can vaguely mention it, or quote it vaguely. Or read it as much as you want. After all, it's here, right? And, if I didn't want people to read it, I wouldn't put it up here. (I only expect certain people to read it. And they know who they are. The rest of the people probably stumble onto it, and that's fine too.) But, I ask that some discretion would be used.

That is all.

Until next time, and steer clear of avalanches,

ZW

Good People Shouldn't Have To Cry...

The first official day of break for me. :) I finished my shopping, saw an old friend of mine, and then made a blanket for a very good friend of mine as a gift. Overall it was a good day. Then I got to my friend's house with her gift. And it was better. :)

Even though the house was in crisis mode cause her brother lost his phone, it was still good. But... Her parents thought that her best friend took Tommy's phone. Someone who they know well, and they knew I'm sure deep down that she didn't. It... Upset my friend very much. To be honest, I nearly said that it is impossible. Our mutual friend would never do that. Ever. She's better than that.

My friend though... She took it pretty hard. I saw the tears, (though she swears that there were none), and I could hear her voice break and see her shake... I admit that I felt very bad, and I wished I could have done something. But, who am I to do anything drastic? So, I did what best guy friends do. I hugged her, and I listened to her. She didn't stay in my arms very long, but it was long enough to show her that I was there for her and will always support her.

I just... Don't quite know how to express my feelings on that regard. I like that she lets me listen to her. That she tells me things. That I am privileged to hear her rant or ramble. But, when she cries... That isn't pleasant for me. I don't show anything, but I do feel. When I saw her face, something in my heart kinda of... Died a bit more. I couldn't bear to see that face, and not be able to do anything about it.

Being useless irks me. I like having a use. Solving people's problems. And, when it comes to that face, I don't like what comes with it. She just gets sad, and I can't do anything about it. So instead, I did what took no words. I just acted as I thought was requisite and as I felt would be appreciated. No thoughts, just actions. Funny how she's the only person who can get me to be that way.

I think that she should be happy. Nothing more. She shouldn't have to cry. Or feel bad. I work as hard as I can to make sure that happens for her, if I can do so. She deserves what she has. A boyfriend who loves her, all the food she can eat, the warmth she can handle, and the loud music she can stand. And friends who love her as much as she loves them. And I fall under that category, though a few differences are present.

Bottom line, is that, I sincerely hope that she never has to cry over something around me again. Because, it hurts me a bit every time I see her like that. The change from her perky, fun-loving self to the crying, sad self is hard for both of us to bear. You wouldn't think I'd feel so acutely for her, but I do. I am... Attached to her. And... She will forever hold an important place in my heart, because of that.

They say that a Cancer is the best astrological sign to have as a friend. Because they are friends for life. And they make darn good ones, cause they are intuitive and very caring. We have a very strong emotional attachment to everyone we feel is worthy of that. And... Well, she has proven herself worthy many times over. Hundreds of thousands of times. I'd trust her with my life. She's that important to me too. I hope she trusts me with her life. I know that she trusts me with a lot.

Well, anywho, there you have it.

If Only...

You knew how much I love you. I rarely ever say that, and only for one other person have I felt this way.
You knew how much I wish you loved me back the same way.
You knew how much I compare the people I see in Romance novels to you. When I read them, I see your face when I imagine the character.
You knew how much I want to spend all of my time with you.
You knew what you did to me when I see you...
You knew how much I want to hug you and never let you go. How warm you make me feel.
You knew how many times a song comes on and I think of you.
You knew how much you occupied my thoughts, both waking and sleeping.
You knew how much I wish you were mine, and to hear the words you say to others directed toward me.
You knew how you make me smile.
You knew that you make my stomach fill with butterflies.
You knew that you drive me crazy in only the way you can.
You knew how happy I get when I think of you.
You knew how just one look from you makes my heart sing and skip a beat.
You knew how, when I look into your eyes, I see someone who to me, is perfect.
You knew how every time I look into your deep eyes, I can imagine myself swimming in them. (No matter how cliche that is.)
You knew how much I really feel for you. When you're sad or happy or angry or normal.
You knew how much I enjoy our little jokes and long conversations.
You knew how much I want to hug you and hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay.
You knew I can't imagine a life without you in it.
I knew what you did to me to make me feel this way.
I knew how to shut it off, or tone it down, because I'm here on this level and you're elsewhere.
I was worthy of someone like you, and could give you everything you need, and I wasn't an idiot and had done so many of the stupid things I have in the past. (Like letting you go...)
You knew really what was inside. To make someone as emotionless as me feel so acutely... Well, it's a feat.

If only we both knew what to do about this situation. Not that you have anything to worry about. It's pretty much me, so I'll let you live as you are.

Pardon Me Sir, But You're Rambling Again

This is gonna be a big one, folks. And, it's mostly going to be questions, that are pretty much rhetorical cause barely anyone reads this. However, again, if you have any answers you probably know how to answer the questions or how to reach me otherwise. It's been one heck of a time since I last blogged, and much has happened.

Am I a good person? Am I too clingy, or... or too overprotective? Do I put people off, or am I just not that interesting of a person? I mean, seriously. I don't bite. And I might look scary, or anti-social, but that doesn't mean I'm not worth the time and effort it would take to at least get to know me. I promise. I've done some stupid things, and I have many MANY issues, but that's not a good enough reason..

On another subject... Romance eludes me. (Even reading romance novels hasn't helped, apparently.) Am I socially awkward? Do I not look good enough, or do I lack any redeemable qualities? Am I totally oblivious when it comes to women? These have been weighing down on my mind for quite some time. Not that I'm BURNING to get into a relationship, but... Everyone has that hole, you know? The one that can't be filled except by someone who completes you so much, that you can't imagine living life without them. I can't interpret signs worth a darn apparently, and thinking about them doesn't do me any good, because I always end up over-thinking, or missing the point entirely. A friend of mine says I'm clueless, and that when a girl kisses your neck, it means she really likes you. Well, I'd have to agree, cause I really liked her too, but now she ignores me. Anywho... And that's just the basics. Cause I have yet another problem.

There's another person. She's currently taken, and she and her new boyfriend are happy together. She's this amazing person: cute, smart, incredibly kind, cute, slightly sarcastic, (Which is okay for me. I like a bit of bite in people.), sweet, etc. I could sing her praises for a very long time. She's had her fair share of problems in life, and her relationships haven't always been the most... happy and long lasting. Like me, she feels somewhat inadequate at times, and she still holds feelings for people who have hurt her in the past. Those experiences in turn, have made her current life shy of what should be a very happy and fulfilling relationship with her BF. But, the real problem here...

Is that I think I've developed feelings again. For something that isn't mine. Which kills me. Cause the last time I did that, I got slammed by not one, but two people. She's just... amazing. We talk often, and she tells me everything she feels. (Yeah, we're close. You can see the friend zone thing brewing, can't you?) And, frankly, while I enjoy all my time spent talking with her, something else goes on inside my head. I... get the feeling I want to solve all her problems. Make it so she has no possible reason to ever hurt or doubt or cry ever again. I also... like everyone else, want someone to belong to. And, I get the feeling I want it to be her. And, in a sense, I already do, just not like I would like to. I often feel... that I want to take her into my arms, and shelter her from whatever bad is coming her way. To hold her there, and let her feel safe. In short, as I always have wanted, I want to be her knight in shining armor. Is that my job? Am I correct in wanting that? Can I, in good conscience, actually be okay with feeling and acting as I do?

I don't know. That's something that's been on the mind lately. And I don't know how to do anything about it. So, that's all folks. Sorry for the pensiveness and passive-aggressive type thing. But, it'd been weighing on my mind for some time now. I don't know how, or why, it just is. And, I have no actual answers to these, but, such is life.

Stay safe, and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW

College and Life!

Oh my... Whiteout fans, you are reading the words of one tired student. My first week of college, while it hasn't been all that complicated, has just been... Long. I'm at school from 7:45 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon. Then, I come home and either go right to Karate after a short break, or right into school. ;) That's only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Tuesday and Thursday I am off campus doing work for the next day. ;) I like pretty much all my classes, and am doing fairly well in them, I suppose. My least favorite is math, but it's not actually that bad. My favorite class is English, because my teacher is an absolute hoot. :) Ms. Perry is awesome. Really, truly, she is. ;)

Besides school, a few other things have been happening. This week was homecoming for Rigby, I get to teach Demo Team for the next two weeks and then more after that, and... A few other random things. Each of which I will explain below.

Karate: So Sensei Kai is getting married, and he is also going somewhere else to do work. Which
leaves Demo Team to his second in command, aka, me. Since we have a tournament coming up, I get to work them extra hard, and we are focusing exclusively on katas and sparring alone. Which I don't mind one bit. I just hope that I can do it good enough to Kai's standards. So I worry a bit, but not much. I enjoy Karate more and more each time I go to it. It is so nice to be able to let go of all my school stuff and just focus on the more physical aspect of life. :) Leaving the world outside is so much simpler...

Homecoming: So, as usual, a large amount of attention is lavished upon homecoming. And for good
reason. It's huge! :) I had the immense pleasure of helping out a good friend of mine with her art club booth. It did pretty good. They mostly had me hawking cotton candy, which due to my father's good
training, I was pretty good at. :) I always enjoy the company of this certain family I was working with. They're so nice to me. But, anywho. I had the chance to go and gather a whiteboard from the Art Room with this girl who I was helping out. But I also got the chance to see what was going on in her life. And she, as usual had much to say. Her life is... Not so fun right now. She's stressed on multiple fronts, and she puts on a really brave face. And it works for the most part. But, listening to her, well, it made me realize I wanted to help her more than I had. But I kept that particular desire close to myself. By the time I left, they thanked me profusely. And they told me I was... Well, they
heaped praise on me, which only made me blush. I appreciate it as always. :) Which somewhat leads me to the more... Philosophical thing that has been weighing down on my mind recently.

I am... Going to write something that may sound a bit at first like I am tooting my own horn. I take no pride where it isn't meant to be taken. I am an extremely altruistic person by default. For certain people, I would drop everything I am doing just so I could help them. For other people, even if I may dislike them, I would still help them if they asked. I just like helping people. Truly. Even when they heap what I find could be far too much praise on me. (And then I blush beautifully.) But, what has gone over and over in my mind recently, is... Is there a point where I have done too much? Or, is there a point where I have put other people so far ahead of myself that I don't end up taking care of myself like I should? I ponder this often. I enjoy helping people so much, that I forget all about my own woes, which is a good effect of my altruism. But... I have several people tell me tht at I go so far that I forget about myself. Or, when I need assistance, I don't ask for it. And when it is offered, I brush it off, because I don't want to be bothersome to another person. If I can still hobble about on my own two legs, or somehow survive a situation I will. Just so no one else has to suffer or be bothered by my inability. So the real question I am asking myself constantly is... Am I wrong in what I do and how I am going about this? Do I worry too much about things that are simple? Maybe. But... I am in need of some advice... Some, ah, friendly words if wisdom. (Cause even with my lucky bonus wisdom tooth, making a total of 5, I still feel... Lost. Like I don't know what to do.

My apologies, Whiteout fans, for this... Whatever it is. I ask for your help, only because I don't know where else to go to. Steer clear of avalanches. :)

College, Work and So Much More!

Long time no post, I know, Whiteout fans. And for that I apologize. Things have been quite hectic around here recently. I have done sooooo much, since I've last posted. I got an IPod which Inuse daily for many tasks. Really, I can't imagine life without it right now, like, how did I ever actually do without this tiny wonderful piece of technology to keep me on track? Anywho, so Inbow have this fancy thingamajig. ;) I also have a FB too, but under my actual name. (You didn't think that I use my names for this, did you?) And I have a job. I work at a dorm on BYU-I campus, doing.... Pretty much whatever needs to be done. I am... The handyman's handyman, you could say. It's a chore sometimes, but overall, it is fulfilling, and it pays the bills. Can't complain there. My boss is awesome, and he even puts up with my... Physical limitations, so to speak. He is a friend of the family now, and both my sister and I work for him, so it's never boring. ;)

As to my physical limitations.... While I have destroyed my body over the course of 6 years in Karate and recovered about 97% of the way, it seems that I have a few knee problems. Characteristically I am weak kneed, but recently they have been starting to hurt... A nice throbbing ache. I went to the doctor and he said I'd irritated them somehow. (Three guesses how, and the first two don't count.) So I have to ether get myself a brace or, like I am currently, take some Aleve every morning before work. So, we shall see. I have to go back if it doesn't go away. They took an x-ray, but it showed nothing. So while my knees are swollen, if anythingore is wrong, they'd have to take an MRI to see. I'm not quite sure about it. If something is wrong, I can't tell. I'm conditioned to deal with lots of pain. We shall see....

And, in other news, I start College the 16th of September. I don't know how I feel about it really. I know it's gonna be work. Lots of work. And it scares me a bit. I'm quite nervous. But at the same time, I know somehow, that I'm going to be okay. Everything will work out. Pretty much all of my friends have already started. My friend in Texas is attending college over there, and she seems to be quite busy. ;) (You remember that email we were talking about? Look at our messages on FB. You'll find it quick. ;) I've been waiting in anticipation. :) I wanna hear all about it. ;) ) Another of my friends is in WY at Laramie college. She's not doing too bad either, but she's having a good time. :) (Tired is normal. Especially as a college student. Hang in there. :) )

So yeah. Life is good. Busy, busy, busy. But good. :) Steer clear of avalanches. :)

Concert and a Date

Yes indeedy folks. I went to my first, and hopefully not my last concert. Chris Mann, finalist on the Voice, graced all of Rexburg and the surounding area with his presence yesterday (June 7th) at 7:30. And it WAS a good presence. But before the concert itself, I should tell you about my date. She's a good friend of mine who I cherish dearly. There were only three people I would have taken on that date, and 2 of them don't live here. You do the math. ;) (No. It wasn't an obligation. It was a priviledge. One that I'm sincerely glad that I had.) She's a joy to be with, and she doesn't particularly care if I mess up, though she laughs at me anyway. (And, you know, if anything were to happen that wouldn't be appreciated, she'd kick my butt.) So, I picked her up, and we drove to Rexburg. We parked the car at Britney's dorm, and then walked to the Gardens on BYU campus, where we had a short (but good) "picnic". I made some chicken and pasta salad, and she made dessert, which was a tiny chocolate cake with strawberries and a glaze. It was really good. (Or rather, I had someone make it for me because yesterday, before getting home as late as I did, I was home for a total of 10 minutes.) It was a good little picnic, and then we meandered our way to the auditorium where he was to perform.  We took our seats on the floor of the auditorium, and we waited for him to come out. Sure enough, come out he did, in all of his "Mannly" glory, amidst screams from the audience. (Mostly women.) My date didn't know who he was at first, so she was in for a treat. :) He actually is quite funny, and his singing has only grown better since his time on "The Voice". (At one point he was talking about the Voice, and he's asking the audience about their favorite teams, and he called us all traitors, because we liked Adam or Blake better than Christina. At another point, he called out someone in the audience. "Yeah. I see you. With your cell phone. What's your name?" He's really good with the audience.) He sang all sorts of songs, from Viva la Vida, and In Your Eyes (by Phil Collins), to several songs in Italian (His Voice audition song, Ave Maria, and one other) and a few of his own. He also covered Hallelujah, which was amazing. (The one song from Shrek.) Everything he sung came out beautifully, and I'm really sad that the concert had to end. (I could continue to sing his praises for blog posts on end, but I won't.) But end it did. We were walking out, and any words that came out of my mouth were unintelligible. I was stunned. Which is a feat, but for him, probably not. He's freaking amazing, and anyone who doesn't think so needs to do a little more listening. After we "escaped" the auditorium, we went back to the car, and had the adventure of backing out of Britney's Dorm. Let me tell you, you want a nerve-racking experience, do that. You basically have to pull out of your spot into the incredibly narrow parking lot and back straight out. Not fun. So we went back to her house where I stayed for a few hours. Watching things, listening to her playing piano, and even singing sometimes too. I just enjoyed her company, and that of her brother and his friend. Oh, and her father, who takes any and every opportunity to tease her mercilessly. But for most of the time, it was the both of us and Kenny (Yes. That's his name.) and Kenny's friend. We had a good time. :) Then I had to go, and it felt kind of strange. I wanted to stay a little longer. I like all of them. But, my family would have had a fit. They already were asking what happened to my face, so any longer and I may have incited a riot...

Well, you guys have a good day. If Chris Mann comes to your area, don't miss the chance! And steer clear of avalanches.

ZW