This is gonna be a big one, folks. And, it's mostly going to be questions, that are pretty much rhetorical cause barely anyone reads this. However, again, if you have any answers you probably know how to answer the questions or how to reach me otherwise. It's been one heck of a time since I last blogged, and much has happened.
Am I a good person? Am I too clingy, or... or too overprotective? Do I put people off, or am I just not that interesting of a person? I mean, seriously. I don't bite. And I might look scary, or anti-social, but that doesn't mean I'm not worth the time and effort it would take to at least get to know me. I promise. I've done some stupid things, and I have many MANY issues, but that's not a good enough reason..
On another subject... Romance eludes me. (Even reading romance novels hasn't helped, apparently.) Am I socially awkward? Do I not look good enough, or do I lack any redeemable qualities? Am I totally oblivious when it comes to women? These have been weighing down on my mind for quite some time. Not that I'm BURNING to get into a relationship, but... Everyone has that hole, you know? The one that can't be filled except by someone who completes you so much, that you can't imagine living life without them. I can't interpret signs worth a darn apparently, and thinking about them doesn't do me any good, because I always end up over-thinking, or missing the point entirely. A friend of mine says I'm clueless, and that when a girl kisses your neck, it means she really likes you. Well, I'd have to agree, cause I really liked her too, but now she ignores me. Anywho... And that's just the basics. Cause I have yet another problem.
There's another person. She's currently taken, and she and her new boyfriend are happy together. She's this amazing person: cute, smart, incredibly kind, cute, slightly sarcastic, (Which is okay for me. I like a bit of bite in people.), sweet, etc. I could sing her praises for a very long time. She's had her fair share of problems in life, and her relationships haven't always been the most... happy and long lasting. Like me, she feels somewhat inadequate at times, and she still holds feelings for people who have hurt her in the past. Those experiences in turn, have made her current life shy of what should be a very happy and fulfilling relationship with her BF. But, the real problem here...
Is that I think I've developed feelings again. For something that isn't mine. Which kills me. Cause the last time I did that, I got slammed by not one, but two people. She's just... amazing. We talk often, and she tells me everything she feels. (Yeah, we're close. You can see the friend zone thing brewing, can't you?) And, frankly, while I enjoy all my time spent talking with her, something else goes on inside my head. I... get the feeling I want to solve all her problems. Make it so she has no possible reason to ever hurt or doubt or cry ever again. I also... like everyone else, want someone to belong to. And, I get the feeling I want it to be her. And, in a sense, I already do, just not like I would like to. I often feel... that I want to take her into my arms, and shelter her from whatever bad is coming her way. To hold her there, and let her feel safe. In short, as I always have wanted, I want to be her knight in shining armor. Is that my job? Am I correct in wanting that? Can I, in good conscience, actually be okay with feeling and acting as I do?
I don't know. That's something that's been on the mind lately. And I don't know how to do anything about it. So, that's all folks. Sorry for the pensiveness and passive-aggressive type thing. But, it'd been weighing on my mind for some time now. I don't know how, or why, it just is. And, I have no actual answers to these, but, such is life.
Stay safe, and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW
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