This isn't as much of a continuation of the last post as it is... well... something else. Love does strange things to you. Example: I look forward to school days!! No joke. I always get to thinking about going to school for even one day. I love Mondays now. But, what in the world does this have to do with love, you ask? I'll tell you. There is a girl. (Yes. Well why are you so surprised?! :P Girls do pay attention to me. Occasionally.) This girl, who shall remain unnamed, is the reason that I love Mondays, and weekdays in general. I look forward to our conversations starting every Monday. She is a genuine pleasure to be with. She is funny, she is pretty, and she is loud. (Which is the exact opposite of me, and she will attest to that.) On top of that, she is just the right amount of sassy, pushy and sarcastic. She can give as good as she gets, and I am no slouch at sarcasm myself. I could sing her praises all the time, and especially through this post, but I won't. (Not that she will get a big head. Like me, she rejects most extreme praise, like what I would have to say about her.) Anywho, the reason I brought this as an example, is because of what happens to me when I look forward to this. My heart, it starts to beat out of my chest. I get that anxiety, like you would get when on Christmas Eve, or in the anticipation of any momentous occasion. I start to feel mildly shaky. A feeling swells up in my chest. A feeling that I few times have ever felt. I start to get thoughts of only her. Nothing else seems to matter. It is the most ridiculous thing, and yet I love it every time, and cannot wait for it to happen yet again. She pays attention to this blog, so I am debating how careful I should be... :) I feel, in the words of Quasimodo, "I suddenly feel wonderfully awful and then awfully wonderful!". I tell you folks, love is the paradox of life. The only thing we cannot live without, and yet the one thing that can destroy a person completely if misused. This girl... Ah... If only I could explain EXACTLY how she makes me feel... I am a completely awkward person at times. This girl is basically my complete opposite in most actions. Where I am quiet, she is loud, and she likes it. (I like it too.) Where I am very formal, she types exactly how she talks. (Even with the occasional spelling error, I think it is cute.) And she talks like my sister. Sure, like everyone else, she has her problems. But, I am more than happy to help her out. And she doesn't mind helping me out either. She is a joy. Complete and utter joy. I have been the mediator between her and others, and I have been the person she vents on. I have been the person that has stood in between her and... trouble of many kinds. And even though even I sometime get frustrated, it isn't because of her. It is because I am not able to do anything to help her. Not even to solve her problems, not even to take a load off. Everyone reading this, if you have ever experienced that feeling... The feeling where you do EVERYTHING that you can, but nothing comes of it. They still have to put up with the problems they have. And, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Nothing but stand there and watch them struggle. I can't even physically be there to be support. (Stupid distance... When they develop quantum teleportation, I know my first destination... Even if it IS only one-way.) That is the other side of love that I know so well. The side that, if you love them, you have to let them be. I just feel... Useless. Dejected. Nothing I can do will help, and sometimes getting involved doesn't help anything, it actually hurts. This is a feeling I HATE. With a passion. I cannot stand being not able to do something to help. It grates on my very soul. Grinds my nerves and my patience to the very center. All I want to do for her is to just, wash away all the pain, the sorrow, the problems. Make her life as easy as possible. Paradise, even. As close as she can get to being truly happy, I want to do that for her. Just... make it so she never has to be sad again... Especially if I am the cause. She is always praising me. She thinks I am nearly perfect, and she asks me all the time, "Why are you so perfect to me?" Why indeed... The only real answer is that she deserves someone who can do that for her. I just want to show her that she is worth the praise I give her. She is worthy of the best guy in the world. She deserves everything she could ever want, as long as it makes her truly happy. I, unfortunately, I am not any of this. I am more of a stepping stone. I am the guy who has shown her how she should be treated. I don't DO anything, I promise. I don't read books, or take seminars, or do anything to improve my image with people. I just... sometimes I don't understand why it is so surprising to her... the bottom line to her question. She deserves more than she has gotten from the other guys. I might not be the best guy, but I do make it a priority to give women the respect they deserve. I don't do anything special, and I have told her that. I think that what she has gotten in the past from guys has not even been close to doing her justice. When she asks me why I treat her like I do, I just want to hold her close, and tell her that I love her. Pure and simple. Nothing different, or exciting. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just that action and the three simple words that follow. When we get on this subject, I cannot ever clearly express how I feel. It is "good", but it is never EXACTLY the way I want it. This attempt is even closer, but still not perfect. Like I said in my last post, love is undefinable. But, I wish in all the world, that my attempts will not go off the path of sincere and end up on the unbelievable path. I don't ever tell her enough. I don't ever say it. but I feel it. And I show it as much as I can through my limited means of communication.
Watch out for avalanches, folks, and tell your loved ones you love them!!
ZW
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