Everyone has it. Most of the time, it is a person. Someone, who... Makes you complete. Someone who makes you happy. You could spend the rest of your life with them, and be totally happy. And, I had that.
(Just as a note. I know the person this speaks of reads or will eventually read this. I still like talking with you. And I will still talk with you for the rest of my life on this planet. But, as I was reading through some of our conversations... I remembered what you told me. And I had to get this out somehow.)
I say had, because for the longest time, I was convinced that I had found someone who... felt the same for me. Who I enjoyed so much, and who I thought enjoyed me too. And maybe she did. For a while. But, somewhere along the line, or maybe even from the beginning, it was all a lie. One large lie. Oh, yes. I was duped. I trusted her... With everything that I was. She knew everything. Everything about me there was to know about me, she knew. We talked every day, and I thought I knew everything about her. What I knew... I loved. But... Well... it seems there was one thing that I didn't manage to see until it was brought to my attention. Interesting how you can think nothing can get worse, and then something unexpected happens, and you realize that you were wrong.
I mean, we "loved" each other. And I did something incredibly stupid, and so we just became friends. We still talk, and we go over what happened on occasion. But, having heard what I did... Now I'm just not sure. Was any of it true? Or was she just saying things? The things I wanted, -needed- to hear? For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. And part of it was. I felt so bad for destroying her so completely. Her heart broke, and from four hours away I heard that sound. And it broke mine. (My own pain... I could deal with. Watching what I was crumble and die, was a hardship, but not one entirely unexpected. And one that took awhile to get over. But hurting her was... worse.) And just when I thought I'd somehow put together the pieces... This comes along. I don't know which way is up. I can't trust anything like that from her anymore. Everything else she tells me, yes. I trust it. But... I can't help but think that certain things she tells me... It's just like, "I don't know if I can actually believe you." The one thing I expect from those who I associate myself with, and have attachments to is honesty. Because I am nothing less than candid with people.
I thought it was bad before. Feeling the destruction of not one, but two lives. But now... I just don't know. I don't know what it is to love someone, I guess. I know what I do, and I'm constantly changing the way I act, so that I can show things better. But apparently, what I do isn't good enough to have someone actually take me seriously, and give it in return. This most recent revelation shook me to the core. What... What does it mean, then? What did all that I did actually mean? I don't know what to feel. What to think. What to do. I opened up... For the first time in my life. And all I got was heartache. The past should just stay the past, and I would love for it not to affect me in the present. But, it seems, wherever I go, all I get is a shadow of what was. I used to feel sorrow for hurting her. Hurting her heart so irreparably, that she should have just let me go, and let me fade into the shell of a man that I deserved to be. But she didn't. We still talked. And some of those feelings still come out. Loving someone... Makes you care for them, even if it isn't the smart thing. It's the right thing. And I'm a guy who, normally, does the right thing.
Now... I feel sorrow for an entirely different reason. I feel like a fool, which is normal. Because I am. Still. I feel sorrow... Because I gave everything away, and in return... didn't get it back. It nearly makes me cry, because I wanted it so bad... Someone to love. Who loved me back. And... I didn't get that. I thought I had it, and then, it turns out, it was all a deception. (Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, right?) Apparently, it is not mine to have. I told her after the incident last year... I would be alone. And I am. Perhaps... For a while, this is to be my punishment. My burden to bear. I'm not angry. Or anything like that. Just... sad. So sad. An all-encompassing, heart-bursting sadness. But, I suppose, it is mine to bear. And so I shall. No one will know. (Except, you know, those reading this.)
And there you go. Sorry for the depressing post, Whiteout fans. But, this has been on my mind for a while now. And I needed it to get out, so I could try to move on. Steer clear of avalanches.
ZW
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Sad...
I am. This time. Jeez, I never thought I would ever be like this. I guess this is what happens when I over think things. Or maybe I'm not. I'll leave that up to you.
First thing. My dear friend's birthday is Saturday. And I have a gift lined up for her that I think she will appreciate. :) But... Every time, she says she doesn't need anything. But, as any good guy best friend with an older sister knows, it's really saying that she wouldn't mind the gift as much as she says she would. I don't know if she's telling the truth and she really doesn't, or if she's just playing around with my mind. (I realize now that I really don't like mind games....) But... Later... She asked me to tell her. And I said no. Repeatedly. Like a good guy should when surprises are needed. And she frowned at me. And told me she really really really really really really really badly wanted to know. And basically pulled on my heartstrings. And... That kind of hurt. Cause I don't like ruining the surprise. But, I can't deal with keeping things from her when she says that. Even though she apparently just means that she's just curious. Curse my emotions and tendency to overthink things.
I just... Want to give her what I believe she deserves. As much as I can, due to her having a great guy as a boyfriend. I trust him. But why should it feel so wrong, to give someone something, and keep it a secret from her. Is it that wrong to give her a gift? I don't understand. Then she says that she didn't get me anything, And I just chuckle at her. And realize she is grasping at straws... My birthday is after hers, and we weren't close enough to get each other gifts last year. So, I'm just like... Come on. A gift, is a gift. Your birthday comes only once a year, and I intend to give you a gift, so please don't force me to hurt even more by making me feel bad for keeping the one secret I have from you.
Another thing. What I say, I mean. I promise. If I tell you you're near perfect, I mean it. And the only reason you are near perfect, is because if you were perfect, you'd no longer be here. Why can't people accept that maybe, just maybe, there is someone that thinks they are beautiful, wonderful, kind, funny, loving, and naturally good at the things that they do? I may be prone to exaggeration at times, but it's in the word choice. Not the meaning behind it. I mean everything I say in the most honest way possible.
What makes me the most sad... Is that I feel like I let her down. Or offended her somehow. I feel like a total dirtbag, and I don't have a clue why. I just want her to be straight with me. And, 99% of the time, she is. When she isn't, sometimes I can tell. Other times, I have no idea. I don't know. I don't like feeling like I've done something, like interrupt. Or make her sad, angry, annoyed, etc. It makes me feel, and that isn't something that I used to do very often. Now, it seems, that I live to feel. And I need to be needed by other people, because their emotional health is important to me as well, which is why making her feel those things is detrimental to my own. I want her... To only have to feel loved. To have only good things happen, or at least, if bad things arise, that she will see that I'm there for her to make everything go away. (Again, I ask if this is my place to want.)
If there's one thing I've learned from all those suspense novels I've read, it's that... You do strange things for the people you feel for. But mine is so... All-encompassing. I scare myself with how intense my need is to make everything alright. The other day, she was having a horrible day. Absolutely, positively, abhorrent. Bad enough to make her cry. And, then I started too. (Yes. The gift of weeping exists. And, sadly, I have it.) My greatest desire, especially at that point in time, was to just... Poof. Make it all go away. I've expressed this earlier, but it still plays a big part in my life. Then she goes and tells me not to cry for her. Really? You expect me, one of your best friends and the one most sensitive to people, not to cry when your world is falling apart around you? I think not, considering that I couldn't do what I wanted. You're out of luck there. I'm really bad about doing what is good for me. I always act in the interest of other people, and in this case, cry for them too.
I don't know, to be honest. I am how I am, and I make no apology. But... Throw me a bone here... I don't need anything other than straight up honesty, and a secure feeling that I have done everything I can to make the lives of those special to me as easy and painless as possible. If you, in good conscience can tell me that you are happy, and even that I helped it along. You cannot imagine how content that makes me. Sure, my life isn't perfect. And I've made my mistakes, and I may be needy and talk with you even when you are busy. And I may annoy you with my whining about random things that make no sense to you without prior explanation. But, trust me. When it comes to matters where emotions are high, and require some talking through, I'm good. Better than that. I live for it. But... I gotta have something from the other side too. Acknowledgement, and a statement telling me that I made things better. Didn't confuse you, or make things worse. But, that I helped I whatever way I could to take even the smallest burden off of your shoulders. That's the bottom line.
Whew... Glad that's out... Steer clear of avalanches. Of any kind.
Zw
First thing. My dear friend's birthday is Saturday. And I have a gift lined up for her that I think she will appreciate. :) But... Every time, she says she doesn't need anything. But, as any good guy best friend with an older sister knows, it's really saying that she wouldn't mind the gift as much as she says she would. I don't know if she's telling the truth and she really doesn't, or if she's just playing around with my mind. (I realize now that I really don't like mind games....) But... Later... She asked me to tell her. And I said no. Repeatedly. Like a good guy should when surprises are needed. And she frowned at me. And told me she really really really really really really really badly wanted to know. And basically pulled on my heartstrings. And... That kind of hurt. Cause I don't like ruining the surprise. But, I can't deal with keeping things from her when she says that. Even though she apparently just means that she's just curious. Curse my emotions and tendency to overthink things.
I just... Want to give her what I believe she deserves. As much as I can, due to her having a great guy as a boyfriend. I trust him. But why should it feel so wrong, to give someone something, and keep it a secret from her. Is it that wrong to give her a gift? I don't understand. Then she says that she didn't get me anything, And I just chuckle at her. And realize she is grasping at straws... My birthday is after hers, and we weren't close enough to get each other gifts last year. So, I'm just like... Come on. A gift, is a gift. Your birthday comes only once a year, and I intend to give you a gift, so please don't force me to hurt even more by making me feel bad for keeping the one secret I have from you.
Another thing. What I say, I mean. I promise. If I tell you you're near perfect, I mean it. And the only reason you are near perfect, is because if you were perfect, you'd no longer be here. Why can't people accept that maybe, just maybe, there is someone that thinks they are beautiful, wonderful, kind, funny, loving, and naturally good at the things that they do? I may be prone to exaggeration at times, but it's in the word choice. Not the meaning behind it. I mean everything I say in the most honest way possible.
What makes me the most sad... Is that I feel like I let her down. Or offended her somehow. I feel like a total dirtbag, and I don't have a clue why. I just want her to be straight with me. And, 99% of the time, she is. When she isn't, sometimes I can tell. Other times, I have no idea. I don't know. I don't like feeling like I've done something, like interrupt. Or make her sad, angry, annoyed, etc. It makes me feel, and that isn't something that I used to do very often. Now, it seems, that I live to feel. And I need to be needed by other people, because their emotional health is important to me as well, which is why making her feel those things is detrimental to my own. I want her... To only have to feel loved. To have only good things happen, or at least, if bad things arise, that she will see that I'm there for her to make everything go away. (Again, I ask if this is my place to want.)
If there's one thing I've learned from all those suspense novels I've read, it's that... You do strange things for the people you feel for. But mine is so... All-encompassing. I scare myself with how intense my need is to make everything alright. The other day, she was having a horrible day. Absolutely, positively, abhorrent. Bad enough to make her cry. And, then I started too. (Yes. The gift of weeping exists. And, sadly, I have it.) My greatest desire, especially at that point in time, was to just... Poof. Make it all go away. I've expressed this earlier, but it still plays a big part in my life. Then she goes and tells me not to cry for her. Really? You expect me, one of your best friends and the one most sensitive to people, not to cry when your world is falling apart around you? I think not, considering that I couldn't do what I wanted. You're out of luck there. I'm really bad about doing what is good for me. I always act in the interest of other people, and in this case, cry for them too.
I don't know, to be honest. I am how I am, and I make no apology. But... Throw me a bone here... I don't need anything other than straight up honesty, and a secure feeling that I have done everything I can to make the lives of those special to me as easy and painless as possible. If you, in good conscience can tell me that you are happy, and even that I helped it along. You cannot imagine how content that makes me. Sure, my life isn't perfect. And I've made my mistakes, and I may be needy and talk with you even when you are busy. And I may annoy you with my whining about random things that make no sense to you without prior explanation. But, trust me. When it comes to matters where emotions are high, and require some talking through, I'm good. Better than that. I live for it. But... I gotta have something from the other side too. Acknowledgement, and a statement telling me that I made things better. Didn't confuse you, or make things worse. But, that I helped I whatever way I could to take even the smallest burden off of your shoulders. That's the bottom line.
Whew... Glad that's out... Steer clear of avalanches. Of any kind.
Zw
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Important. (Part One)
This will be short. The part two involves a Zodiac sign thing.
This is the link to a particularly interesting blog that I found.
http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/competitive-advantage-chivalry-and-the-modern-man/
It's quite enlightening. :)
This is the link to a particularly interesting blog that I found.
http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/competitive-advantage-chivalry-and-the-modern-man/
It's quite enlightening. :)
Saturday, January 4, 2014
It Has Happened...
New record set for 2014! I have officially never wanted to cry this early in such a short period of time.
The sad part, of course, is that... Crying doesn't help, but I also can't solve the problem. And, I don't really have anyone or want to complain to anyone, so I'll just have to shed my tears and move on with it. (I'll just write it here instead.)Mayhap tomorrow will be a better day.
On the plus hand, I get to sleep in, cause church isn't until 11. But, that gives me more time.... To dream. And those, as of late, haven't been the most pleasant either I think. But, such is life.
Until next time, Whiteout fans. Stay safe and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW
The sad part, of course, is that... Crying doesn't help, but I also can't solve the problem. And, I don't really have anyone or want to complain to anyone, so I'll just have to shed my tears and move on with it. (I'll just write it here instead.)Mayhap tomorrow will be a better day.
On the plus hand, I get to sleep in, cause church isn't until 11. But, that gives me more time.... To dream. And those, as of late, haven't been the most pleasant either I think. But, such is life.
Until next time, Whiteout fans. Stay safe and steer clear of avalanches.
ZW
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
I Need To Learn...
To keep my mouth shut. And to stop bothering people by messaging them in the middle of the day when they are on VACATION for the HOLIDAY! Honestly... I'm surprised she hasn't told me to go away, cause I always feel like I'm annoying her by messaging her randomly. I mean, we're continuing a conversation already in progress, but it's just like... Gah. Just, keep your mouth shut, and stop bothering the poor girl. She has enough to deal with without you constantly butting in and rambling senselessly.
I can't help it, though I probably should start helping myself. I curse myself every time, cause I know that she's doing something and I've interrupted again. And yesterday, her uncle got ahold of her phone. And asked me questions, and found out that this blog exists. And then an aunt read it aloud to anyone within earshot. I'll bet you money she took a lot of flak for that, and will take lots more in the near future. As will I, I'm sure. Now, I don't know about you, Whiteout fans, but I found this mighty strange. On the one hand, the stuff I put up here is technically public, cause it's online. So, of course people are reading it. But, on the other hand, this is my journal type thing. Things I put here, I don't really expect to be read aloud to other people. I mean, if you want to know so bad, find it, and read it or ask me, cause I'll probably tell you. (Probably.) So, bottom line, I'm going to have to be a little more careful about what I put on here.
That's not to say it isn't true. I won't take back anything I have said regarding anyone I have mentioned. It's all true, and since people have read it, I can't very well take it back. And I don't want to, because I speak the truth, and nothing but the truth. I'm incapable of lying... But, I would ask that a bit of discretion would be used when the posts concern matters near and dear to my heart. I don't mind if it's read or if it's completely ignored. I don't mind how it's taken, or if you agree or disagree. But, unfortunately, I do mind when I put things close to me up here, and they are seen by and shared with people who I don't know, you know? Not that it can really be avoided or controlled, but still. It's like... Giving away a card from my hand, that I'd previously kept up my sleeve. I don't know what everyone's intentions are given the knowledge that is there. And, I don't like that, frankly. So please, for my sake, if you read this blog, don't read it aloud. You can vaguely mention it, or quote it vaguely. Or read it as much as you want. After all, it's here, right? And, if I didn't want people to read it, I wouldn't put it up here. (I only expect certain people to read it. And they know who they are. The rest of the people probably stumble onto it, and that's fine too.) But, I ask that some discretion would be used.
That is all.
Until next time, and steer clear of avalanches,
ZW
Friday, December 20, 2013
Good People Shouldn't Have To Cry...
The first official day of break for me. :) I finished my shopping, saw an old friend of mine, and then made a blanket for a very good friend of mine as a gift. Overall it was a good day. Then I got to my friend's house with her gift. And it was better. :)
Even though the house was in crisis mode cause her brother lost his phone, it was still good. But... Her parents thought that her best friend took Tommy's phone. Someone who they know well, and they knew I'm sure deep down that she didn't. It... Upset my friend very much. To be honest, I nearly said that it is impossible. Our mutual friend would never do that. Ever. She's better than that.
My friend though... She took it pretty hard. I saw the tears, (though she swears that there were none), and I could hear her voice break and see her shake... I admit that I felt very bad, and I wished I could have done something. But, who am I to do anything drastic? So, I did what best guy friends do. I hugged her, and I listened to her. She didn't stay in my arms very long, but it was long enough to show her that I was there for her and will always support her.
I just... Don't quite know how to express my feelings on that regard. I like that she lets me listen to her. That she tells me things. That I am privileged to hear her rant or ramble. But, when she cries... That isn't pleasant for me. I don't show anything, but I do feel. When I saw her face, something in my heart kinda of... Died a bit more. I couldn't bear to see that face, and not be able to do anything about it.
Being useless irks me. I like having a use. Solving people's problems. And, when it comes to that face, I don't like what comes with it. She just gets sad, and I can't do anything about it. So instead, I did what took no words. I just acted as I thought was requisite and as I felt would be appreciated. No thoughts, just actions. Funny how she's the only person who can get me to be that way.
I think that she should be happy. Nothing more. She shouldn't have to cry. Or feel bad. I work as hard as I can to make sure that happens for her, if I can do so. She deserves what she has. A boyfriend who loves her, all the food she can eat, the warmth she can handle, and the loud music she can stand. And friends who love her as much as she loves them. And I fall under that category, though a few differences are present.
Bottom line, is that, I sincerely hope that she never has to cry over something around me again. Because, it hurts me a bit every time I see her like that. The change from her perky, fun-loving self to the crying, sad self is hard for both of us to bear. You wouldn't think I'd feel so acutely for her, but I do. I am... Attached to her. And... She will forever hold an important place in my heart, because of that.
They say that a Cancer is the best astrological sign to have as a friend. Because they are friends for life. And they make darn good ones, cause they are intuitive and very caring. We have a very strong emotional attachment to everyone we feel is worthy of that. And... Well, she has proven herself worthy many times over. Hundreds of thousands of times. I'd trust her with my life. She's that important to me too. I hope she trusts me with her life. I know that she trusts me with a lot.
Well, anywho, there you have it.
Even though the house was in crisis mode cause her brother lost his phone, it was still good. But... Her parents thought that her best friend took Tommy's phone. Someone who they know well, and they knew I'm sure deep down that she didn't. It... Upset my friend very much. To be honest, I nearly said that it is impossible. Our mutual friend would never do that. Ever. She's better than that.
My friend though... She took it pretty hard. I saw the tears, (though she swears that there were none), and I could hear her voice break and see her shake... I admit that I felt very bad, and I wished I could have done something. But, who am I to do anything drastic? So, I did what best guy friends do. I hugged her, and I listened to her. She didn't stay in my arms very long, but it was long enough to show her that I was there for her and will always support her.
I just... Don't quite know how to express my feelings on that regard. I like that she lets me listen to her. That she tells me things. That I am privileged to hear her rant or ramble. But, when she cries... That isn't pleasant for me. I don't show anything, but I do feel. When I saw her face, something in my heart kinda of... Died a bit more. I couldn't bear to see that face, and not be able to do anything about it.
Being useless irks me. I like having a use. Solving people's problems. And, when it comes to that face, I don't like what comes with it. She just gets sad, and I can't do anything about it. So instead, I did what took no words. I just acted as I thought was requisite and as I felt would be appreciated. No thoughts, just actions. Funny how she's the only person who can get me to be that way.
I think that she should be happy. Nothing more. She shouldn't have to cry. Or feel bad. I work as hard as I can to make sure that happens for her, if I can do so. She deserves what she has. A boyfriend who loves her, all the food she can eat, the warmth she can handle, and the loud music she can stand. And friends who love her as much as she loves them. And I fall under that category, though a few differences are present.
Bottom line, is that, I sincerely hope that she never has to cry over something around me again. Because, it hurts me a bit every time I see her like that. The change from her perky, fun-loving self to the crying, sad self is hard for both of us to bear. You wouldn't think I'd feel so acutely for her, but I do. I am... Attached to her. And... She will forever hold an important place in my heart, because of that.
They say that a Cancer is the best astrological sign to have as a friend. Because they are friends for life. And they make darn good ones, cause they are intuitive and very caring. We have a very strong emotional attachment to everyone we feel is worthy of that. And... Well, she has proven herself worthy many times over. Hundreds of thousands of times. I'd trust her with my life. She's that important to me too. I hope she trusts me with her life. I know that she trusts me with a lot.
Well, anywho, there you have it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)