English Papers

I have to say this. I am not too bad at English. I was a really good editor for my school newspaper, and the lowest grade I ever received in my AP High School English class on any paper, was a 90. My papers were rather good, and I often even edited the other people's papers in my classes. I am a more than competent person when it comes to writing and editing papers, and what I do is generally actually fairly good.

So, what to my wandering eyes should appear but the love of my life, telling me that she didn't do so well on her paper for class. She told me why, and I figured that while she could fix that on her own, in the future, I could give her assistance so she wouldn't ever have this happen again. I told her that I would ask her a favor, and I told her that if she would like, I could help her.

And, what does she do...? She tells me that she doesn't want me to look at her paper. She says it's awful, and that she doesn't want me to look at it so that I don't laugh at it. At her.

Now, this is a normal reaction from every human being. Nobody, after getting a bad grade on their paper, ever wants to have someone else look at it and be even more humiliated. But... I always thought.. That because of what we have, that maybe she would think at least a little better of me.. That I wouldn't ever laugh at her paper. At her. If she needed me, I would help, and there would be no laughing... No derision. Just me, helping the person that I cherish more than anything on the face of the earth. I felt like... Like she didn't trust me. As if I would hurt her feelings, when she is already feeling down. I don't kick people while they are down, and I definitely don't ever want to hurt her by deriding her paper. It kinda hurt to see that... Even though the two of us are so close, that... she still doesn't seem to completely trust me. And can't recognize that all I could ever do to convince her of how I feel doesn't seem to be enough...

I love her. So very much. She is the world to me. And I don't just want to help her. I don't just want her trust. I want her to understand that I love and appreciate her, and will continually help as much as I can, so that she can be happy. Because that's all I want. Is for her to be happy, and not have any reason to be unhappy.

Homecoming!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing! :)

So. Prepare for a long post, 'cause I have a lot to say... Cause I spent 12 HOURS with her...

So, yesterday, I went to Homecoming with the girl I love. And it made me SO very happy. I got to her house, and I did what I usually do when I don't have anything else to do: Clean.  I did dishes and such and got to spend some time with her before people started to arrive.

After everyone got there, we went to a place in Rigby that we could enjoy ourselves at, and we played some pool. It was boys versus girls, and despite her assurance she could win, we ended up taking them down handily. And then, we went back to her house to get ready. She took her time, but she had to get her hair done, and that took longer than even she expected. But she got back... And I thought I was going to pass out. She looked... Absolutely gorgeous. Totally and completely stunning. I don't mean to brag... But I had the most beautiful girl in the entire world as my date last night. (Oh, who am I kidding...? I will totally brag. All the time. It's my pleasure. Cause she truly was positively amazing looking. And whenever I stood next to her, it took all I had not to kiss her and about pass out.)

And then the real night began. So, we went to get pictures done, but we were much later than we had previously intended. And pictures were.. interesting. I don't think I've ever been quite like that before. I spent all my time right next to her. And my hand was always in the small of her back, constantly providing some comfort for her if possible. And if I wasn't doing that, then we were sitting together, holding hands, fingers intertwined. It was nice to do that relaxing thing.

After pictures, we went to dinner at Applebee's. Which, was good. We both share similar tastes in food, and both of us like mozzarella sticks. But, while we were waiting before and after eating, we were holding hands, and stroking the other's hand. And we would just look at each other, and say nothing, and just... smile. Lots of smiling. (Oh, and she likes to play footsie. Which I also kinda like. Another thing to add to the list of things I love.) I think it was pretty obvious to everyone that we were totally into each other. (They just didn't know HOW into each other we were.) 

Then we went to the dance. Which was both good and bad. I'll go with the bad part first. So... our friend who shall remain unnamed, he did the extreme disservice of asking me if he could dance with my date. I wasn't able to quite understand what he said, and misunderstood his question... And accidently gave him permission. (I of course, in my right mind, would never do that. I didn't want to share.) But he went and asked. And she said yes, because that's what she does. Totally innocent, totally normal. But. That was not my idea. I didn't like that. And I asked her why she agreed. So... She got mad at me. And I wasn't all that happy. Because it hurt. And she walked away... three times. The first time, it was like she'd slapped me in the face. And the two other times, especially the last one where she walked all the way to the bathroom... And told me to stop following her... It was like some one had reached into my chest and was pulling my heart right out. It ached so much... because I knew I'd hurt her really badly. But I had no idea why... Cause I hurt too. But I hurt more for the fact that I'd hurt her. I know that... Some things you do, they leave an impression upon people. And they will never ever look at you the same way. And... I couldn't have that. It hurt far too much. She later came back in, and she looked at me... And her eyes were all teary, and she apologized, and I apologized too, and we danced real close, as I whispered in her ear... Told her how sorry I was. And how much I loved her. We got out to the car, and she was still miffed at me, because I got mad at her. It was all a misunderstanding, of course, and I wasn't mad at her after she walked away. After she walked away... I just nearly died. I spent the car ride to our next destination, just holding her and making sure she knew... all that I had to say.

Now for the good part. Dancing. I love dancing with her... She has a very attractive dancing style. And we danced in a more relaxed position than I am used to. Her arms around the back of my neck... My hands on her waist, barely a foot between us. And all we did was look into each others eyes. Though, I couldn't help but sing to her... And tell her all about how much I love her. And when we weren't slow dancing, we were swing dancing, or doing something so totally different. Not like any other dancing I had ever done before. But... I liked it. Because it was with her. We had our fingers intertwined, and all the while I just looked at her. And I smiled. All the time... Sometimes, she would grab my hand and pull me across the dance floor. And then she'd stop, and turn around... and she'd look at me with this radiant look on her face, as if she knew... That she was amazing. (And she better. Because she is.)

For the last part of our evening, we went and we had some waffles with strawberries and ice cream at a friend's house. And we shared a waffle. Then she took me home.

I can't tell you how many times we held hands yesterday. Far too many to count. And sometimes... She would take my arm, put it around her waist, and have it touch her leg. Or, close to the end, she leaned right up against me, and she put both my hands on her stomach, and just leaned against me. Like that's all she ever wanted. (She said it was because she was cold. But I have a feeling that is the ulterior motive.) I happened to like that the most. Just the car rides... Where it was me and her, and she grabbed my hand, and wound it in hers, and/or put it around her. And leaned against me... I felt truly content. I would whisper to her, or kiss her hair and her cheek. I truly had a good time... And I wish that I could have some more time with her... Really soon. Cause... No matter what happens... I love her. With all of my heart. Everything I am.

Time

Is conspiring against me.

I have a little less than 36 hours until I get to see you again... And they are the most torturous hours so far of my life. Nothing works to occupy me. Not the TV. Not school. Not my novels. Not my roommates. Not my video game. Nothing. It's absolutely ridiculous. These thirty-six hours cannot pass quickly enough. I'm pretty much giddy, and suffering from a lot of anticipation. I feel like I could explode. Tomorrow will be really hard. And Saturday before I see you... I desperately want to be with you. Right now. And it's driving me crazy. A good crazy. But still.

I'll be getting things ready. Making sure I have all my effects. I'll put them together Saturday though. But I have a corsage to get, (which may not be the right color. I may have to get a hot pink rose one instead of a red rose one, and I hope this is acceptable.) I also have to put a water bottle in the fridge in advance for Saturday. And then, I shall gather the food, the clothes, and the other necessities Saturday morning. That way all is prepared, neatly.

And all the while I will be nearly dying from anticipation. Saturday will be wonderful, so long as everything goes well. I just hope you feel the same way too.

Desire...

I want to see you. Don't want to wait. Don't want to play games. Just want to see you. Hold you. Hug you. Tell you I love you over and over. And never let you forget it. I want to give you my full attention. Hang on your every word, and relish the chance to be in your presence. To laugh with you, and make you laugh, and see that beautiful smile. Look into those ridiculously beautiful blue eyes... And nearly drown in the emotion I see in them. I want to use all of my senses and take in the stunning woman that you are. Everything about you. I wish I could tell you about how you occupy all of my thoughts... And my dreams.

I want to hear you tell me you love me. Over and over and over. And that you never want to let me go... I want you to tell me that you miss me as much as I do you. I want to know if you dream about me.. Or think about me all the time, like I do you. I want you to convince me... That my feelings aren't so one sided in their intensity. I want you to look into my green eyes, and be able to see all the love I have for you. I want you to hold me and never let me go. Look at the never ending smile I have on my face, and know that you're the reason I have it.

 I want so much just to have you here. Right now...

Special...

My dearest friend and I had a conversation last night. It was late, and she was really tired... But I was feeling pretty down in the dumps, because of a few things. And she was up, telling me all about how much she loved me.

She said a lot of things. Things that made me feel special... And loved, and wanted, and needed. She told me so many things... I was overcome with happiness. I felt like I belonged to her, and she to me, and nothing could keep us apart. She told me all sorts of things about what she wanted to do with me, how she wanted me in her life, and many times she told me she loved me. More than any other person on the earth.

This morning though... She messaged me and told me that she had no memory of what she said last night. This, of course, came as a shock to me. Because many of the things she said... Not only did they sound like she meant them, but they were things I had been waiting to hear... Things I'd wanted to hear her say and witness as being entirely truthful and meaning every word.

Now... I have doubt. She doesn't remember anything she said. And the only thing that she can vouch for herself saying that is true, is that she loves me. I'm kinda sad... Because I wanted so badly for that all to be true, and heartfelt, and honest. But, instead, I'm left with this one big truth, and slightly less large group of things that... I don't know if she really meant. I want to say yes. That she did mean it. That she meant all of it, and that I truly was the one person for her, and all the many other things she said. But, I can no more hold her to it than I can call her by a different name and hope she answers.

So I'll have to be content with just the fact that she loves me. So very much. Just like I love her. Immensely. And very nearly, without end.

Cold...

My third day since my surgery. They said it would be the worst day. I'm attempting to eat more solid food... And eating things other than pudding. But my mouth really hurts. And my ear. And I have a splitting headache.

And, to top it all off... I'm cold. Which is indicative of two things. One of which is bad. The other is not.

I want to go visit someone tomorrow too... Preferably, in the morning area. That may help too... Just need some company, you know? Just for a little bit. I saw a friend of mine today while I was out with my parents... And that really made me want to hang out with someone...

Surgery...

So... I had to have Oral Surgery done recently. It's ruined my life presently. I can't eat any meat, and I'm confined to potatoes, pudding, and Jello. And pills for antibiotics and pain. Lots of pain. I spent all of Friday in a half awake state, because I had what may have been just a bit too much pain medicine for me...

The girl in my life... She said she would come and take care of me. Babysit me, and make sure everything was okay. Now, I know she's busy. So I knew it wasn't going to happen. But I did find her offer to be extremely appreciated. And ridiculously cute. I loved it. I was glad she would volunteer to do that for me... Even though she didn't need to.

It didn't happen, though. No one came to visit me. I felt kind of lonely that day... Which I suppose is okay. I was pretty much drugged up enough that I wouldn't have been much fun, anyway. I would have probably fallen asleep on whomever it was that was unfortunate enough to come and deal with me. Which would have been embarrassing... So, part of me is glad. But the bigger part of me wished I didn't have to feel so alone. (Not that much can be done... It's kind of a personal thing anyway, you know?)

In other news, my time at my house is quite short. I have a little less than two weeks before I have to move out and up on campus. My parents have already made me pack everything up and away. So, my bedroom is ridiculously bare, now. Everything besides my clothes has been packed into tubs, and have been put in my corner. If a man is measured by his belongings... Then I am not much of a man, it seems. I don't have much to my name...

I'm sad... Because it feels like they don't really want me to be here. They seem eager to kick me out, and all I ever hear about is, "When you're gone..." Or "When Darik is gone..." Like they're all waiting for the day when I just leave and they don't have to deal with me anymore.

I guess... That the feeling of the time is lonely. I just feel lonely. My friends are few. Most of the people I love are planning, albeit not unforeseenly, my absence. Some of the people who I call my friends are attempting to boycott me, and not have anything to do with me. I just... I wish I had someone who I could just spend time with. Without people to interfere, or to tell me that I have something to do, or that I've got to do this so that I can be ready. I just kinda feel like everyone is waiting for me to move out, and that I feel alone and have no one telling me they really want me around...

It's why I always want out of the house. To spend some time, one on one, with someone who actually understands. Doesn't ask anything from me other than just to talk with me. And I realize that's a lot to ask. So I don't. It's simple. But complicated at the same time.